Saturday, April 3, 2010

16. rays of sunshine and dark thunder clouds

what an awesome day. the weather was yet again beautiful and today was the day my family got together to celebrate easter.

my grandparents revealed that they are moving back to "not disclosed for privacy" where i live so it will be great to spend more time with them--especially during recovery. oma brought a slew of photos and the whole family was in hysterics while we walked through memory lane. i especially enjoyed the photos that were of my mom. my heart broke for my sister though who was only 3 years old when mom died. she really appreciated seeing the pics.

my heart broke later today when my oma brought out a couple of newspaper articles that my mom was in when she was in remission for the first time. i was so absolutely devastated reading the article head line. i couldn't read the articles at the time because i was too upset so i tucked them away in my purse.

reading the articles at home i was even more devastated. the articles portrayed her positive outlook and wanting to give back to the community. i, on the other hand know full well the outcome. she would only live another year which involved an even more grueling and bitter battle ahead of her which entailed at the time an experimental stem cell/bone marrow transplant. that would lead to a second but short lived remission and then her death.

it was an emotional and bustling day and i barely had a chance to share with my oma and aunts about my surgery date. i was frustrated that i was only able to tell my oma as she was on her way out the door.

i told my 2 aunts about 15 minutes before my sis and i were to head home that surgery is in 11 days and they were sort of speechless. i could see the pain in their eyes and they just gave me big hugs. my tante (aunt in dutch) ali said she will come visit me. it's not like i dropped a bomb on them because they have known of my decision for some time but i think it seems surreal until you are actually at the stage where things are booked and you are doing the countdown.

i am so happy to have love and support. i didn't really know how much support i had until recently. it is great to have these revelations leading up to surgery. it makes things easier...but in a way it also makes things harder because i know this has become other peoples burden...something that affects them in a unique and sometimes painful way.

my hope is that i can stay positive like my mom and give back...but sorry mom...i don't want to follow in your footsteps.


  1. Thanks for sharing the article, it's very special. Good luck on your upcoming surgery.

  2. you're very welcome. very bitter sweet. i love how beautiful my mom looks in these chic...even with short chemo hair. it is so special how she is cupping my sisters face. so much love.

  3. Your mom was so beautiful, and so brave! You have truly inherited your mom's fighting spirit and bravery. I wish you all the very best in your upcoming surgery. I'm BRCA2+, and as of yet, still too wimpy to have the surgery myself although realizing that I need it. Keep us posted on how it goes, and remember what an inspiration you are to us all! Hugs.