Wednesday, November 24, 2010

67. pre-op

i had pre-op this past monday. my surgeon ordered some extra things i wasn't expecting like an ECG and chest x-ray.

i guess the x-ray tech didn't really read the requisition for the x-ray because when she took the shot she said, "what the heck". lol. i laughed, then told her i had expanders in my breasts. she then said, "ooooooh". afterwards, she let me see the front and side profiles of my chest x-ray and it looked pretty funny.

i find this time around with stage 2 surgery, i am not freaked out at all. in fact, i am barely thinking about the date approaching. i only just checked now to see how many days away i am from exchange and it is only 12 days. the fear of cancer is gone since the first surgery and this wait all seems like a walk in the park in comparison.

i also returned home today after spending 11 days in the city. it was so great to get away and really helped boost my mood. it was a bit of a whirlwind with stuff to do everyday. it is nice to get back home to my kitties, but i find i am already homesick for the city again. it's where i want to be.

i'll be returning to the city again on dec. 2 so i can write my biology exam, and stay the rest of the weekend because my surgery will be on the 6th. i will miss my cats again, but next time i return to hamilton, it will be to move there...and my cats will be coming with me. january can't come soon enough:)

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

66. good to get away.

my mood is so much better these past few days.

i decided to get away from my depressing, depressing environment, and spend a week and a half in hamilton...the place i will be attending school and my home town.

my best friend and her boyfriend have been very gracious in letting me stay the week and half at their place and have a spare room. the bed is so comfortable, along with their pillows, and i find i am sleeping more comfortable here than in my own bed at home.

many things are coming to a head this week and in the next coming months and i am so looking forward to getting major issues in my life dealt with. some of these trials have been going on for the past 2 years like the decision to have a pbm.

court is in 2 days, and today i met with the crown who is representing me and he is confident that he can arrange a peace bond for both myself and the person who assaulted me. i have very mixed emotions about this because it means he gets off scott free for what he did to me, but i am just at a point in my life where i no longer want to deal with it, and need to move forward so i can continue with my plans for college. i know it's not fair to me that he gets barely any consequences for his brutal actions, but i am putting all my faith in God with this, and the guy who assaulted me can answer to God.

i am overwhelmed with everything happening all at once, but i am doing my best to look to the future when these things will be resolved and i can focus on my schooling and future career as a nurse. as things are ticked of the list and dealt with, i know i will begin to feel lighter.

despite this week being a challenge, my best friend and i visited the college campus for a tour, have done some geocaching and shopping. i am so excited for the future. excited for my new boobs. excited for school. excited to be back home with close friends and family. excited for so many possibilities!

this get away has been so good for me and is just a taste of how life will be in a few months when i am back home:)

Friday, November 12, 2010

65. exchange surgery scheduled! december 6, 2010

i got word today that my exchange surgery is scheduled. december 6th at 8 am. i have to report 2 hours early so i will be at the hospital for 6 am. holy cow. good thing i will get to sleep the day away.

i am so fricking excited! pre-op is on november 22.

that's all.


Tuesday, November 9, 2010

64. a bit better

thanks for all the kind words and encouragement.

i am feeling a bit better than the past few weeks. i hope it is here to stay. sorry to worry everyone, but i was worried myself.


Saturday, November 6, 2010

63. life is kicking me in the ass

my situation is so bad at the moment. i'm not one for whining and crying, but a hard look at my reality even has me shocked. i don't even know what is worse at this point.

i am sure some of this is tmi and some people i know (people i have cut out from my life for their unsupportiveness...if you are reading this you can leave now) (oh and the people that say i am to blame for all my can leave now too and go eff yourself) would roll their eyes at me.

but here is how it is...

i am not getting by financially. i am so broke that it is heartbreaking. i am on financial assistance and i have a job to try and make ends meet and my grandparents graciously give me a $100 each month, but with that combined i am lucky if it equals to $850.00 a month. my expenses out way this and i have been having to cut corners or prioritize my bills and it is all getting me down. last month, my jerk ass landlords issued me with an eviction notice because i was 3 days late with the rent. they also know my situation!

the thought of getting away on a holiday brings me to tears because this is not even a possibility for me but it is so what i need. i got all the paperwork for my passport just in case, and realized that i have to get a new citizenship card because mine is missing. the citizenship card can take up to a year to get.

lately, i have to deal with a whole court matter coming up in the next few weeks that has been ongoing since last september 2009. i have been subpoena'd as a witness in an assault case...except the clincher is i am the victim. yes, while i was going through all of this breast cancer shit and scheduling the removal of my pre-malignant breast tissue, my boss /landlord decided it would be cool to beat the shit out of me...while i was driving. he claimed i had an attitude problem and didn't like the tone of my voice. (i am pretty sure my mood was attributed to the loss of my lady parts, and not that that matters, because i recall the conversation we were having and i was very respectful in offering advice on a client.)

to add insult to injury, (and you can read more about the details of the assault in one of my first posts), he claimed i started it and hit him first. forensics and defense wounds show that i was pushing him off of me when he grabbed my arm (nice big bruise with his nail scratches all the way down my arm) to try and regain control of the vehicle (and in the process i accidentally nicked his chin...the only mark on him) but because it was my word against his, and the police department was a complete failure (right down to not providing me with medical care i needed after the assault, i had a head concussion and ligament damage to my shoulder, and the bridge of my nose was split open), they instead charged me and threw me in jail...even though there was a witness to the event.

i don't know which hurts worse, being betrayed by my employer/landlord of 1.5 years or by the police for treating me like a criminal when in fact i was a victim. anyone who knows the situation and has read the statements of all involved just shake their heads and balk at the idea that i was ever even remotely blamed for what happened.

as many of you know, it is my dream to go to college and major in nursing. that dream came true after much hard work by receiving an acceptance letter this past september to mohawk college in my home town. i was ecstatic with the new prospects of my future and returning 'home'...a place i had to flee after the assault.

my dreams have now been marred when my funding requested i provide a criminal record check before they considered approving me for tuition and living expenses. i figured it would be no big deal. i am not guilty of a criminal offense. however, the charges show up on the report (so much for innocent until proven guilty) and it is putting a halt to all my plans. in addition, i need this criminal check for school.

so all my joy has been shattered and i don't know what to do. i feel like i don't have a future. i try not to get carried away on this pattern of thinking but it so hard to do when so much is against me. i am trying to put on a strong face as much as possible, and i am still moving forward towards school with the hopes that the court stuff can all be resolved before that and that i will still get approved for funding but i won't lie to you that i am experiencing suicidal thoughts and intense anxiety.

all of this has led to a pretty dark depression. to be honest, i haven't left the house for 3 days or even bathed for that matter. i feel like i am stuck in limbo just waiting for the day for something to go my way.

as you can see by my finances, it's not like i can afford a lawyer to help me out. i can’t get another job to help pay for one because if i do, it will put me in a higher income bracket and i will no longer qualify for my school funding. i did seek out a lawyer this past summer when i had a bit of money and was able to give her $600 but i still owe her $400 to be able to render her services. it's so not fair because the guy that assaulted me makes a $100,000/ year and my fear is that he will be able to buy his way out of his charges with a good lawyer and make me look bad.

i do want to note though, that HE HAS done this before and been to jail and the reason i was working for him in the first place was because he had a DUI and lost his license. (another reason to add insult to injury with the police even remotely suspecting i had anything to do with the assault.)

this coming monday is a big day too. i will be traveling with my grandmother to get her results for her brca testing. she is the first one to test in our family. although the court stuff mostly dominates my thoughts, i am plagued with anxiety whenever i think of the outcome should we be positive. i will post separately on this topic when we find out our results.

anyways, this is my rant. i don't know if i was strong these past months keeping this all in while going through my reconstruction or not. maybe i appear weak and pathetic now. oh well. life can't get much worse and if you think negatively of me now it couldn't get me any more in the dumps then i already am.

and maybe this would all be more easier to deal with if i didn't have these rock hard boulders still in my chest.

to be fair, i do have some positives in my life. i do my best to focus on them to get me through. i am not all doom and gloom. please don't send me messages telling me to look on the bright side. i am already looking and leaning on God for strength and comfort. i just needed to rant. i also think antidepressants are in order when i see my family physician November 22nd. like that will solve my money problems, but hey...anything that helps.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

62. nearing 7 months post-op and 1.5 months since last fill

hey everyone. did you have a good hallowe'en? i did nothing for hallowe'en other than make that gorey picture in my last blog post. it was fun and creeped a lot of people out on my facebook:)

it is almost 7 months since my mastectomy. reconstruction is done and i am eagerly checking my mailbox every day for that letter that tells me my pre-op and exchange surgery is schedule. i really hope it is before christmas. that would be the best christmas present ever!

i took a looooong time to start feeling ok after my last and final fill this past sept. 29th. it was a real struggle and i thought the pain was never going to let up. but it has. i still notice tightness through out the day and a mild twinge of pain all the time but it is hundreds of times better than about 3 weeks ago.

the most pain is at night when i am trying to sleep. it feels like i have a ton of bricks on my chest when i lie on my back. switching from side to side is agonizing and i make many grunts, groans, yelps, cries of pain in the middle of the night as i switch positions. when i roll over to a different position, i cup my foobs with each hand as it eases the pain ever so slightly. i can't explain why this is so painful other than maybe it is the saline in the expanders shifting causing the shape to change which affects the muscles and all the nerve endings.

lets talk about dead skin. noooooo...not necrotic skin, but the body's natural way of sloughing off dead skin. it seems that my foobs have an excess of dead skin and because of this, my foobs and chest area are breaking out! yuck! it's not too pretty to say the least.

i try to keep up with exfoliating and moisturizing but it seems to be getting the better of me. i wonder if this is because the skin is being stretched and growing additional epithelial cells (skin cells) to keep up. lol. look at me. putting my biology vocabulary to work!

i so can't wait till exchange. did i mention that. i am looking forward to the day when i can re-build my strength back up. and my fitness level too. i have been mostly sedentary for the past 7 months and it is really getting to me. there is no sense building my muscles up right now when i still have these rock hard boulders in my chest and a second surgery would undo all of it anyways. also, i think i am still restricted from doing those types of activities.

i guess that is all for now. this doesn't seem like my average blog post, but rather a rambling, but hopefully you found some of it useful.