1. intro

i'm 33 years old.

i will be having a nipple sparring prophylactic double mastectomy to manage my risk of breast cancer.

i do not have breast cancer.

i do not intend to get breast cancer.

as of yet, i do not know my brca status.

some people say this is bold and drastic.

i think sometimes i feel this way too. it is such a heavy topic. it's not something i can just talk about openly with other people. i almost feel ashamed. i feel like i have to put people at ease and down play it so i don't freak them out. i try to sell them on the high points of possibly getting a better pair of breasts than the ones i already have. i try to sell myself on this too.

i feel like i mostly walk around and struggle through my life with this big dark secret.

sometimes, i just want to shout at the top of my lungs what i am going through.

i am very anxious. and stressed out. i feel so alone. overwhelmed. i feel like i am running a marathon and i am getting near the end. my feet are dragging. i am out of breath. i just want to get this surgery over and done with so that the weight will be lifted and i can go back to enjoying life...did i ever enjoy life?