Thursday, February 11, 2010

2. mask

this post has been edited. some content has been removed. the original post served it's purpose to help me work through some very heavy emotions i was experiencing. i am at a stage now where i may share this blog with friends and family and would like to maintain some privacy in certain areas that i was addressing.

i've been really angry lately. well actually, for a long time. i am frustrated and tired of the fight. i have struggled...and i mean I HAVE STRUGGLED since well before the day my mother died. mom died of breast cancer when i was 15 and she was 38.

i am floored and often overcome with sadness that my family never was able to adequately stepped in and take over to provide emotional and financial support since that day. i can sort of understand my father not being there emotionally after my mom died. i moved in with him a few months after she passed but it was a strained relationship long before the death of my mother. my parents split up and divorced when i was 12 and visits with my dad were few and far between. i guess i can't really blame my family either because they were all reeling at the loss of my mother too.

so, by the age of 16 i was living on my own. i was supported by the government via social services and orphans benefit...but this did nothing to ease the agony i went through of trying to figure out how to cope with the loss of my mother.




my mother died. i got forced into the wilderness. i've been there ever since. there's no home to go back to.


i am over come with despair. and then i wonder...what is the point in even trying to save my life when there is not much of a life to save anyways. i am still going to be alone. maybe it would be better to get cancer and die quickly.

i don't want to come off as all "me, me, me" either. i know i am a good person. i do the opposite of what people have done. perhaps because i know how painful it is. i go out of my way to help people. even simple things like opening a door and smiling at a stranger on the street. spending hours with a mother who lost her child just letting her talk things out...or not talk things out but just be there with her so she does not have to be alone in her house while her husband is at work. i plan on going into nursing where i will dedicate my life to helping others.

often this is taken advantage of. my last employer/landlord did this to me. took advantage of me in horrible ways. offered me a better life...a family. i sucked it up--missing the signs of how he would cut me down verbally and let me believe i was worthless. he would accuse me of being a whore and would argue as i defended myself adamantly and in my insane way of trying to prove my point that i was good and not a whore he would sit and watch as i cut myself. i let him take advantage of me because i was afraid to lose my home and job. i also needed him there...or so i thought, to help me navigate through my breast cancer scares and ultimately to be there during my recovery from my pbm. it is sick to say but i slept with him out of my fear. in the end it culminated with him bashing in my face while i was driving the company vehicle. he gave me a 3 day concussion and fucked up my shoulder. 5 months later i am still in pain...and that does not even touch the emotional pain and anguish i endure. i lost my home and my job all in one day.


god, i am in a bad place today. i have such an urge to cut...but i won't. i just wonder if there are really any people on the FORCE boards that struggle the same as i do. the emptiness. the pain. the hurt. the anger. the bitterness. everything...even the simplest things are an uphill battle. i just want to be happy. i have never been happy. and yet, there is this hope that keeps me going.

i titled this post "mask" cuz all this stuff is inside me. from the outside, you would not gather this. i try to come off as positive and cheerful in life. i am there for others. i try to smile often. if you saw my picture, you would probably say "what a beautiful girl with a beautiful smile." well, i just wanted to let you know there is a storm that rages on inside.


  1. Rachel ~

    I am "Elk" on the FORCE message boards. Have you sought counseling? I hope you have or that you can. I ask because I am worried about what I am reading in your blog. You don't have to stay in this painful place, and I hate that you are in it now. Please seek help. You deserve it! There are places that provide counseling free of charge (or for very little) in most major cities.

    May I also suggest a book to you: Motherless Daughters, by Hope Edelman. A teenager when I lost my mom, this book really spoke to me and I saw a lot of myself in it. It might make you feel less alone.

    Please, please get help. Wishing you well ~ Elizabeth

  2. dhi elizabeth,

    thanks for your comment and concern. yes i have sought counseling over the years. i have been in counseling for the past 2 years intensively along with group therapy and was nearing the end when the assault happened in september. the assault caused everything to go out of whack, delayed surgery, and caused me to uproot up north where i am miserable, missing my close friends, and where there is a lack of community support.

    i have full intentions of returning to my home base city where once back there i have great friends and a great psychiatric team. right now though, i am financially stuck.

    i know a lot of my depression is circumstantial and it has culminated a lot this week what with winter dragging out. i can't help the lack of family support though...and i know the assault is taking it's toll and i am working through it...albeit at the anger, bitterness, and resentment stage. oh and the "not fair" stage.

    i read motherless daughters in my 20's and tried to read it again recently--this past summer; but i found that it made me even more sad and stuck in that feeling. i actually own the paperback and hard cover editions.

    getting my thoughts out helps. i already feel much lighter than this afternoon...and got to babysit 3 beautiful angels today that light up my i feel a bit uplifted.

    i guess i really want to be honest with my feelings as well and not sugar coat anything. life is is tough. i just want to take the mask off for a while and to be honest with myself...especially after years of stuffing my emotions. it helps for me to be able to label what i am feeling...i've got bpd and it has always been a struggle to identify my emotions about a subject.

    anyways, thanks again and wishing you well too,

  3. Rach,
    Please know you are not alone! Me and all your BRCA sisters are here for you!
    Much love,
    Shari xoxoxo