Saturday, September 4, 2010

51. a sea of shitty emotions

i feel like shit. emotionally.

i am so bummed out and spend many nights crying. life just sucks. i have so many god damn emotions and thoughts i am dealing with.

lets be frank. dealing with pbm and reconstruction ALONE is really fucking hard. and no, i won't apologize for the language. i need it for the emphasis. i feel so alone. and really, I AM ALONE. there are some days i seethe with jealousy at the support that so many women have while going through this and it brings me to despair. and then the flood gates come.

i am not angry that people are so blessed, but it leaves me wondering 'what the hell is wrong with me' to not have someone solid by my side, supporting me and encouraging me along life's path. and not just this surgery/reconstruction path, but through out my other endeavors. i know we are suppose to make choices for ourselves, but when there is no one else to share those choices, joys, and lows with, life just seems so pointless. so empty.

i can't even find the words to adequately convey what i am feeling. i have never been one to be good with words.

i feel like i am stuck in a rut. not sure if there is a way out of it where i am living right now. life is so boring living in a small town. everyone is either married, or from what i can see, drinks too much, or is trashy. i don't know how on earth i am suppose to meet anyone living up here. this is such a depressing thought. i am so sick of being alone. how the hell do you cope with that? it's not like i 'can get myself out there." there is no 'out there' up here.

meh. i am feeling further alienated by terminology from my online support group and the links that are shared. i hate that so much of this is connected to the brca gene. you hear the word previvor, and then it is soon followed by brca mutation. how am i suppose to connect with that world when i don't have a known mutation. or at least i don't think i do. it makes me feel that i am in a box all my own and navigating this all on my own. i cannot completely relate with other women going through this. i don't feel like i am part of their 'sisterhood'. in fact, i feel like a total outcast...sometimes, even from society. also, i seem to be the only 'single girl' from my interactions with the other ladies.

hopefully, tuesday will cheer me up a little bit. i have a scheduled fill. i am hoping to tolerate 60 cc's and will be spending time in the city overnight at my best friend's place. i haven't seen her for a few months and i miss her so the point that i go numb because it is so hard to miss someone.

i am physically achy.sore on a consistent basis, so i am not expecting the pain to get any easier to deal with. in fact, i am sure it is about to get mixed emotions about tuesday. i am also driving to and from the appointment on my own and i am hoping this is not going to be a big mistake as i usually have my friend greg or my grandparents take me to these appointments and do all the driving.


  1. Rach,
    I am so sorry that you are going through all this. You need to remember that you really aren't alone. You have your family, and friends. You looked so happy in your last photos of your fills, or the photos at the wedding! You will find someone to be with Rach, it's just not the time right now. Why not after all this is done, move to a bigger city, explore new places you never know what you will find, or who you will meet!
    Also, you are not an outcasts because of your negative brca status. You are still a women with a high risk in her family, who underwent the same preventative measures me, and a lot of the other women. We are connected and bound by these shared experiences. You do not have to carry brca1 or 2 to relate. Try to be thankful for the things you do have Rach, the people in your life that have been there.
    You are not alone. You've never been alone. I am your surgery buddy remember lol.
    Try to put your chin up Rach, you are soo very close to the finish line! Once your there is feels so good that you want to do a dance, but can't lol..
    Thinking of you.

  2. I won't pretend to say I know how you feel because I've read your posts and I know you've had a rough life. I can say that you must be such a strong woman to get through all of that and to go through with your surgery. We don't always feel like we belong to a group. Everyone is a little (or a lot) different but there is something that ties us together. Whether you are brca or not, you certainly understand how it feels to make these decisions and we can understand how you must feel as well. As far as loneliness goes, I am fortunate to have a partner of almost ten years help me through this as well as a twin sister (unfortunately brca+) and a sis-in-law and a father and aunt who are bc survivors. Despite all my support, I felt very alone during my decision making process. We ultimately have to make our own decisions on what we are going to do. People and docs might share their experiences and opinions with us but it comes down to ourselves to really decide what to do. I wish I was there to give you a hug. I wish your mom was there to give you a hug. I wish my mom was here to give me a hug. I hope you feel better soon.

  3. Well, I was going to say some of the same things as Janine (my wondertwin), but she has beaten me to the punch. I have a lot of support, including a twin sister with breast CA and brca+ and type 1 diabetes like me (except I don't have CA)but I still have my moments when I feel alone and lonely. It sucks, but it's normal. I'm single, too, like you, so I know that adds to the emotions at times. Definitely. Hang in there. And believe me, you don't need to have BRCA for the rest of us "sisters" to know you are one of us.