50. the end of the world - but not really.

my expansion for today got canceled. i knew it, as soon as i heard my phone ring. i have distinctive ring tones. i got the call on monday.

i was really looking forward to this expansion because it meant i was one expansion away from being done.

it felt like the end of the world, and i cried. i am so sick of this foreign feeling in my body.

it. sucks. 24. hours. a. day.

i am in pain all the time. not extreme pain. but constant dull pain all the time. for the most part i can deal with it, but sometimes it really gets me down. the pain makes me flake out mentally. i feel vacant and numb when trying to interact with people and also stuck in my head.

however, it is not the end of the world. i know this. it is only overwhelming for a while, but life resumes soon after, and i learn to deal. i only have to wait another 2 weeks until september 7th for my next scheduled appointment.

i requested that surgery be tentatively scheduled. however, with this delay i won't be going to college in january anymore. i will have to wait till september 2011. i think i am ok with this. i don't want to rush my recovery and i don't want to be all goofy trying to focus on school while on pain killers.

i am a little worried about cold and flu season. fall is fast approaching, and the leaves have started to change. i don't know what it means if i get sick. i am worried that any type of infection could go to my expanders, causing my body to reject them. i don't want to have to do this expansion process again. i think that is my greatest fear right now. it is also not an irrational fear.

my focus for the next couple of months will be to eat as healthily as possible. i am really cutting out the meat lately...i've had some here and there due to family bbq's and such, but each time, the meat consumption has taken its toll.

as for the no shampooing, it has been 3 weeks!!! i almost caved and hit the bottle again because i hit a bit of a gross patch a few days ago. my hair started smelling like vinegar from the vinegar rinses so i stop using that and tried to go with just rinsing my hair for a week - no baking soda/no vinegar. near the end of the week my hair was getting yucky so i tried remedying it by using dr. bronner's pure castile soap with lavender and hemp (i use this for my body). it did nothing to eliminate the vinegar smell and i began to have a gross sebum build up on my hair which you could see. i nearly threw my hands up and almost purchased new shampoo and conditioner, but consulted my best friend elaine for advice first, since she is a week ahead of me and her hair is looking pretty fantastic in pictures.

elaine gave me advice that so far is working. she said i needed to "scrub" my hair more with the baking soda and get it through all of my hair. she then said, instead of rinsing with vinegar, use lemon juice instead. this seems to be the perfect combination now. rinsing with the lemon juice made my hair feel so silky soft and it left a nice scent behind and eliminated the vinegar smell. scrubbing with the baking soda has also eliminated the gross build up and my hair is clean now to the nose, sight and touch.