79. 9 months! i could have had a baby but instead i got new boobs!

NOT PREGNANT!

NO BABY.

JUST NEW BOOBS!

well...it has been 9 months since my mastectomy and about 5 weeks since my exchange from expanders to implants.

thoughts?

many.

here are a few. some verbal diarrhea.

ptsd? i think i might be having some post traumatic stress. i think i need to go for some counseling to wrap my head around everything...the 2 year agony leading up to surgery, the biopsies, surgery, pneumothorax, c-diff, exchange. all of this mental and physical stuff has taken a toll and i have mostly kept it to myself and stuffed it.

i broke down the other day at school while getting my flu shot (which i am against), and i felt like i could have cried for a century. of course it was not the time or place. the thing is, when i was going through all of the above shit, i was trying to stay positive and focused just to get through. it never really felt real or like it was actually happening. i never really dealt with what i was actually going through because i needed to stay 'strong' in order to get through it. i was mostly in reasonable mind/intellect mode.

well, now the emotions are surfacing. sigh. and life is happening! life is great! but it is a huge change to what i have been experiencing over the past few years...medical issues and lots of isolation. i also have a lot of emotions i need to work through over the assault.

fortunately, college seems to be a good starting point in finding someone i can talk to. they offer free counseling services which will also be beneficial with getting added advice on my studies. the other option is, i can return to my nurse that i was seeing a few years ago when all of this shit happened and before i moved up north.

as for the actual boobs...foobs...

they are great...thanks for asking:)

now that the swelling has gone down, there is some noticeable rippling but that is just part of the story folks! they still look beautiful. they have been feeling really tight the past few weeks, but hopefully that is because i have been doing too much with the move and lugging 50 pound books around. i was also told by the ps that inflammation sets in around week 6 so things are still going to change and look different.

(edit: these are not pictures of me above or below)

i started massaging last week (lol...even while in class), and joyfully located my bio oil last night which was promptly massaged into my scars after a relaxing bath. the scars are still very, very red, so hopefully the bio oil will help diminish that, as it seems to be one of the best advice for scars on the FORCE boards.

oh! and last night was the first night in eons that i was able to sleep on my stomach again. i am excited about going to bed tonight and having a more restful sleep.

i guess that is all for now. i am swamped with school. i love my new apartment. and among all that, i have recognized that there are some sensitive emotions that need attending to despite all the positive joys happening in my life right now.

back to the books!