63. life is kicking me in the ass

my situation is so bad at the moment. i'm not one for whining and crying, but a hard look at my reality even has me shocked. i don't even know what is worse at this point.

i am sure some of this is tmi and some people i know (people i have cut out from my life for their unsupportiveness...if you are reading this you can leave now) (oh and the people that say i am to blame for all my troubles...you can leave now too and go eff yourself) would roll their eyes at me.

but here is how it is...

i am not getting by financially. i am so broke that it is heartbreaking. i am on financial assistance and i have a job to try and make ends meet and my grandparents graciously give me a $100 each month, but with that combined i am lucky if it equals to $850.00 a month. my expenses out way this and i have been having to cut corners or prioritize my bills and it is all getting me down. last month, my jerk ass landlords issued me with an eviction notice because i was 3 days late with the rent. they also know my situation!

the thought of getting away on a holiday brings me to tears because this is not even a possibility for me but it is so what i need. i got all the paperwork for my passport just in case, and realized that i have to get a new citizenship card because mine is missing. the citizenship card can take up to a year to get.

lately, i have to deal with a whole court matter coming up in the next few weeks that has been ongoing since last september 2009. i have been subpoena'd as a witness in an assault case...except the clincher is i am the victim. yes, while i was going through all of this breast cancer shit and scheduling the removal of my pre-malignant breast tissue, my boss /landlord decided it would be cool to beat the shit out of me...while i was driving. he claimed i had an attitude problem and didn't like the tone of my voice. (i am pretty sure my mood was attributed to the loss of my lady parts, and not that that matters, because i recall the conversation we were having and i was very respectful in offering advice on a client.)

to add insult to injury, (and you can read more about the details of the assault in one of my first posts), he claimed i started it and hit him first. forensics and defense wounds show that i was pushing him off of me when he grabbed my arm (nice big bruise with his nail scratches all the way down my arm) to try and regain control of the vehicle (and in the process i accidentally nicked his chin...the only mark on him) but because it was my word against his, and the police department was a complete failure (right down to not providing me with medical care i needed after the assault, i had a head concussion and ligament damage to my shoulder, and the bridge of my nose was split open), they instead charged me and threw me in jail...even though there was a witness to the event.

i don't know which hurts worse, being betrayed by my employer/landlord of 1.5 years or by the police for treating me like a criminal when in fact i was a victim. anyone who knows the situation and has read the statements of all involved just shake their heads and balk at the idea that i was ever even remotely blamed for what happened.

as many of you know, it is my dream to go to college and major in nursing. that dream came true after much hard work by receiving an acceptance letter this past september to mohawk college in my home town. i was ecstatic with the new prospects of my future and returning 'home'...a place i had to flee after the assault.

my dreams have now been marred when my funding requested i provide a criminal record check before they considered approving me for tuition and living expenses. i figured it would be no big deal. i am not guilty of a criminal offense. however, the charges show up on the report (so much for innocent until proven guilty) and it is putting a halt to all my plans. in addition, i need this criminal check for school.

so all my joy has been shattered and i don't know what to do. i feel like i don't have a future. i try not to get carried away on this pattern of thinking but it so hard to do when so much is against me. i am trying to put on a strong face as much as possible, and i am still moving forward towards school with the hopes that the court stuff can all be resolved before that and that i will still get approved for funding but i won't lie to you that i am experiencing suicidal thoughts and intense anxiety.

all of this has led to a pretty dark depression. to be honest, i haven't left the house for 3 days or even bathed for that matter. i feel like i am stuck in limbo just waiting for the day for something to go my way.

as you can see by my finances, it's not like i can afford a lawyer to help me out. i can’t get another job to help pay for one because if i do, it will put me in a higher income bracket and i will no longer qualify for my school funding. i did seek out a lawyer this past summer when i had a bit of money and was able to give her $600 but i still owe her $400 to be able to render her services. it's so not fair because the guy that assaulted me makes a $100,000/ year and my fear is that he will be able to buy his way out of his charges with a good lawyer and make me look bad.

i do want to note though, that HE HAS done this before and been to jail and the reason i was working for him in the first place was because he had a DUI and lost his license. (another reason to add insult to injury with the police even remotely suspecting i had anything to do with the assault.)

this coming monday is a big day too. i will be traveling with my grandmother to get her results for her brca testing. she is the first one to test in our family. although the court stuff mostly dominates my thoughts, i am plagued with anxiety whenever i think of the outcome should we be positive. i will post separately on this topic when we find out our results.

anyways, this is my rant. i don't know if i was strong these past months keeping this all in while going through my reconstruction or not. maybe i appear weak and pathetic now. oh well. life can't get much worse and if you think negatively of me now it couldn't get me any more in the dumps then i already am.

and maybe this would all be more easier to deal with if i didn't have these rock hard boulders still in my chest.

to be fair, i do have some positives in my life. i do my best to focus on them to get me through. i am not all doom and gloom. please don't send me messages telling me to look on the bright side. i am already looking and leaning on God for strength and comfort. i just needed to rant. i also think antidepressants are in order when i see my family physician November 22nd. like that will solve my money problems, but hey...anything that helps.