91. where do we go from here

last week saw me visiting my breast surgeon for a one year follow-up from my double mastectomy. the appointment went well. both her nurse and the breast surgeon herself were very impressed with my results and commented on the symmetry of my reconstruction. this was good to hear because some days i have a hard time looking at myself in the mirror and seeing the obvious scars.

i think i may have mentioned before...maybe not, but i have been very confused with my grand-mothers brca results. as mentioned, we have a brca2 mutation of unknown significance. this unknown significance mean i don't know what to do. should i be doing any additional screening? should my family be doing any additional screening? should my uncle at 58 who has just been diagnosed with prostate cancer be tested since we now have a living affected family member?

these were all questions i asked my breast surgeon. she sent off a referral to a high risk clinic with in the Juravinski that can better help me answer these questions. the genetics counselor already called me the next day to do an over the phone assessment. she will be in touch with my genetics counselor that i have lost touch with at mcmaster to get my file transferred over.

i was still impressed with the amount of information my breast surgeon knew. she suggested annual skin checks for melanoma...which DOES run in our family...i am actually getting a mole removed next month that i showed my plastic surgeon who did my reconstruction. he volunteered to remove it since it's something else he does.

so there is ambiguity, but i feel that i am in good hands. i am excited to meet with the high risk clinic. i am going to be seeing a high risk doctor that another brca friend suggested. i am excited to get some answers and not be stuck with all this wondering.

90. holes

it's mother's day today. another day where i feel the emptiness and loss of my mother. even after 19 years there is still a hole. the sense that i am missing out on something special. a heaviness in my heart.

while many were getting up early to take their mother's out for brunch i was curled up in my bed. i know that on days like today her death still weighs on my heart, depresses my soul.

i couldn't get myself out of bed till 3pm.

sigh.

what's even harder is that i can't even articulate what i feel inside. words can't describe the loss. the holes. the emptiness. the sadness mixed with numbness. the ever evolving feelings of grief.

i even more saddened knowing i am not the only one who experiences this today. my arms are extended out to my community and all the women and men on here who have lost their mother's to the terrible disease of breast or ovarian cancer.

89. one year follow up with my breast surgeon

this coming wednesday i have my one year follow up with my breast surgeon who performed my mastectomies.

i have some questions in regards to continued breast surveillance and whether or not i need anymore screening. i have heard from others and from some medical and published opinion that i should at least still have a base line mri. i can no longer have mammograms as far as i know but ultrasound is still possible.

any suggestions or questions i should ask? i also got the name and number from another breast buddy melissa for a high risk brca doc that i am going to ask for a referral for. there is still the question of my ovaries and ambiguous brca result that i would like more of an expert opinion on.