93. dusty

wow. my blog is becoming like an old book on the shelf. it's been almost 2 months since i've been here. of course, i will give you the same excuse...and it is a legit one...nursing school takes up all my time.

i am currently nearing the end of semester 2...that means i am pretty much half way through the course. finals start this week and run into next week. then 2.5 blissful weeks off. i so need it. i would like to enjoy the summer before it disappears and the snow makes its appearance again.

i don't have classes tomorrow, but tomorrow is the day i meet with the new genetics counselor which will hopefully be able to determine which route i should take in regards to surveillance now that my breasts...are gone! i have read different opinions. i'm just not sure what to do. i don't think i should be doing nothing at all because as we all know, there is always residual breast tissue after mastectomy. i still have my lymph nodes...and breast cancer could still start in the arm pits, etc cuz there is tissue there too.

i will let you know how it goes. it may be a few days. hopefully i remember to post in the flurry of studying and trying to maintain my honor roll status when writing my exams. it sure is stressful. semester 2 was harder than semester 1.

if you are reading this and it is subsequently 1 month since i have posted, please send me a message.

apologies to my blogging community/brca sistas! i have no idea what is going on in your lives right now. i miss you. i hope to get caught up and connect with you over my mini summer break. you gals are in the back of my mind. i know you were rooting for me to get to this point, and yes my life has gone on. i hope not to forget about this blog though. it's just on slow motion right now while i am in school.

lots of love...and if you are someone who has just come across my page and are looking for support, please message me because i do make it a priority to help out our community:)

oh...and just found this cool link that sums up PBM nicely:
http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/factsheet/Therapy/preventive-mastectomy

92. boobless get-together!

this past friday a group of women decided to get together. we didn't know each other, but we shared a common bond that drew us together. our boobs...or lack there of...i prefer to call them upgrades;)

this started off so innocently enough. i had given permission to my plastic surgeon Dr. Avram to share my blog with his patients. through my blog i have been able to connect with some of these women in my area and offer them advice and reassurance through face book, emails and phone conversations. i have been able to connect some of these women with other women i have met through FORCE who are going through the same things at the same time.

a lady who i connected with through my blog - Alana, was so awesome enough to put a gathering together for us to all meet. this past Friday, 7 women (+ 1 mom) met for the first time at a restaurant. the kinship was immediate. within minutes we had connected on an intimate and personal level. we laughed and we cried. we joked around and we hugged. we shared our ups and our downs and i can say for certain that at the end of the night we all left with a glow in our hearts.

it has always been my hope all along that my blog would help to empower others along the same or similar journey as me. that hope was completely surpassed when a complete stranger who i had only met an hour before toasted me and my blog. with tears glistening in her eyes she looked into mine and struggled to stammer out the words of how much hope my blog gave her and her daughter during such a frightening time when her daughter was diagnosed with breast cancer and everything was unknown.

as i recall the memory now i am overcome with happiness and joy and yes some tears, that i as a human being could offer such hope to just one family. it is almost surreal and hard to believe! surreal that 7 women were raising their glasses in honour of me! hard to believe that i, just one person, could have so much impact on other people's lives.

thank you to the wonderful women i met this weekend. i can't wait to get together again. and to the one's who couldn't make it, there will be more get togethers to come!

boobless wonders!

91. where do we go from here

last week saw me visiting my breast surgeon for a one year follow-up from my double mastectomy. the appointment went well. both her nurse and the breast surgeon herself were very impressed with my results and commented on the symmetry of my reconstruction. this was good to hear because some days i have a hard time looking at myself in the mirror and seeing the obvious scars.

i think i may have mentioned before...maybe not, but i have been very confused with my grand-mothers brca results. as mentioned, we have a brca2 mutation of unknown significance. this unknown significance mean i don't know what to do. should i be doing any additional screening? should my family be doing any additional screening? should my uncle at 58 who has just been diagnosed with prostate cancer be tested since we now have a living affected family member?

these were all questions i asked my breast surgeon. she sent off a referral to a high risk clinic with in the Juravinski that can better help me answer these questions. the genetics counselor already called me the next day to do an over the phone assessment. she will be in touch with my genetics counselor that i have lost touch with at mcmaster to get my file transferred over.

i was still impressed with the amount of information my breast surgeon knew. she suggested annual skin checks for melanoma...which DOES run in our family...i am actually getting a mole removed next month that i showed my plastic surgeon who did my reconstruction. he volunteered to remove it since it's something else he does.

so there is ambiguity, but i feel that i am in good hands. i am excited to meet with the high risk clinic. i am going to be seeing a high risk doctor that another brca friend suggested. i am excited to get some answers and not be stuck with all this wondering.

90. holes

it's mother's day today. another day where i feel the emptiness and loss of my mother. even after 19 years there is still a hole. the sense that i am missing out on something special. a heaviness in my heart.

while many were getting up early to take their mother's out for brunch i was curled up in my bed. i know that on days like today her death still weighs on my heart, depresses my soul.

i couldn't get myself out of bed till 3pm.

sigh.

what's even harder is that i can't even articulate what i feel inside. words can't describe the loss. the holes. the emptiness. the sadness mixed with numbness. the ever evolving feelings of grief.

i even more saddened knowing i am not the only one who experiences this today. my arms are extended out to my community and all the women and men on here who have lost their mother's to the terrible disease of breast or ovarian cancer.

89. one year follow up with my breast surgeon

this coming wednesday i have my one year follow up with my breast surgeon who performed my mastectomies.

i have some questions in regards to continued breast surveillance and whether or not i need anymore screening. i have heard from others and from some medical and published opinion that i should at least still have a base line mri. i can no longer have mammograms as far as i know but ultrasound is still possible.

any suggestions or questions i should ask? i also got the name and number from another breast buddy melissa for a high risk brca doc that i am going to ask for a referral for. there is still the question of my ovaries and ambiguous brca result that i would like more of an expert opinion on.

88. I made the Dean's List

Just wanted to share my success. I made the Dean's List for this Semester! I can't believe it and yet I can because I set my goals and kept my eye on the prize. Dean's list is an overall average of 85% and I still haven't got a mark back but even if I did not write that test I would still have an 87% average...so, when I do get that mark back I am looking at at least a 90% average.

I am incredibly proud of myself considering all I have gone through in the past 2 years especially entering school while still vulnerable and recovering from surgery. It wasn't easy and some days I still feel like I am catching my breath and recovering.

In reality, I am still recovering. I am adjusting to my new body. And it is not always easy. I still experience weird sensations, numbness, pain and extreme tiredness but it has all been worth it. I am so glad I didn't wait to start school in September.

My time is now:) Thanks for sticking with me through this journey. It is so great to see the light at the end of the tunnel:)

87. I'm up for nomination!

Hi everyone. I have some exciting new!

I am up for nomination by two of my teachers at school for my hard work and participation in College Life and Community Life. If my blog has touched you in some way or you've reached out to me and we have corresponded via email please consider sharing your thoughts or write a letter of recommendation about our experience on how my blog helped you in your experience or quest for knowledge.

Please submit your responses by hitting the CONTACT ME button to the right of the screen or email me personally at binary.speaking@gmail.com

Also, please be aware that what you share will be shared with others so be sure to protect your own confidentiality if you don't want private information shared. As well, it would help if you put a disclaimer at the bottom of the message stating that you give me permission to share your letters publicly:)

Thanks all! Life is so exciting!
Rachel