54. at a loss and sooo done.

the past few days have been very emotional as i mourn the loss of my beloved pet Gunther. he was put to rest on Thursday and buried later that evening. it was a heart breaking time, but i am so grateful he was able to go in peace at home with me holding him. he also had a beautiful burial (just me and him) under a maple tree at my friend Kristen's farm. as i recall these events i am overcome with sadness and tears.

this coming wednesday is the first annual national previvor day. although i am not sure that it completely applies to me, i find it fitting that i will be having my last expansion on the same day. that is cause for celebration!

i find myself looking forward more and more to my expander-swap out-to-final-implants surgery. i am soooo done with reconstruction.

soooo done!

53. sick

i have a wicked head cold.

i've set up camp in my living room and semi-permanently planted myself in front of my laptop which also moonlights as my television. today has been completely unproductive since i have spent the entire day watching season 5 of nip/tuck.

i don't know if i am a big baby or just forget how crummy surgery recovery was, but this feels way worse than when i was recovering from my mastectomy (minus the c-diff experience). my entire body hurts-my skin and bones hurt and my face feels like it is going to explode from the sinus congestion.

hopefully, i will feel better soon. it is inevitable of course. i just want to get back to my school work and writing my intro to a book i am doing with Dr. Jonathan Herman and Teri, but this cold has made me completely unambitious.

on another note, i have had to make the agonizing decision to put my beloved pet Gunther down. it will most likely be in the next week or so when i can afford to have him put down humanely in my home. Gunther is my 14 year old feline. he was diagnosed with diabetes about 3 years ago and has been insulin dependent ever since. he requires an injection of insulin once in the morning and once in the evening.

in the past 6 months he has gone down hill, and become mostly blind. this past week had been tough as it seems he is losing more and more function over his bodily functions, so it appears his kidneys are starting to give up the fight.

i am sure this is going to be a really difficult time for me to let him go and grieve his absence. he's been a good friend for a long time and cuddled with me through all of the changes in my life and the trials. we had a scare a few years ago, right around the time i was going for my first biopsy and i cried and cuddled with him and told him that he had to be around to comfort me through the cancer scares. after 2 weeks of syringe feedings and getting him regulated again with the insulin he graciously stuck around for 2 1/2 more years. what a trooper to be there for me. i gonna miss him so much.

52. fill #6 photos - 5 months post-op

everything can change in an instant!

i just got accepted to college today!!! i totally wasn't expecting it. i am still working on upgrading biology and i figured i had missed the cut off date for my grades to be in, but apparently, my average is already good enough. i am totally ecstatic! it also feels a little surreal, and like a miracle just happened. i really didn't expect to be going to school so soon...i thought i was going to have to reapply for september 2011. now, i will be going this january 2011!!! i am taking nursing.

i will also be moving back to my home city! i am so excited. i miss living in the city and my friends...and also a lot of the great people i was just cultivating friendships with. i am so excited to see these new friendships have a chance to blossom. i am so excited to surround myself with positive people who are encouraging and have their 'shit' together. i feel that i am at an exciting point in my life and it is taking shape and direction.

this is such a drastic change from my last couple of posts. i was feeling really down with my situation...being stuck 'up north' in back country with minimal interaction with people. the friendships i did try to make turned sour and were a real let down. i am glad for some great opportunities that i did experience up here though. it wasn't all bad. i really got to connect with family here and realized that they are really loving and supporting. i also met some great families with even greater children and it was such a joy to be able to tend to the children by babysitting them. this really reinforced something i had forgotten: i really love children!!!

this past tuesday, i had a fill. fill #6. i bit the bullet and said to myself that i would try to go for 60 cc's in each foob. i did. it has been extremely painful and for the first day, i had to take percoset every four hours around the clock. i am taking them now, intermittently, and always at night before i go to bed. i didn't take any all day today, but have still been in a lot of pain. however, i was still able to fix my grandmother's computer, go to the dollar store, and have dinner with my sister. so i am still able to function.

here are the stats with the 60 cc's added to both sides:

Left Side: 400 cc's
Right side: 420 cc's

so next fill i will only need 40 cc's in each side because this past fill was the first part of the 100 cc overfill. only one fill left to go, then i get the expanders swapped out for the final implant. phew. i am so looking forward to this.

can do:as i am more fully expanded i am experiencing more pain, depression, an anxiety. this is normal. i mentioned it to my plastic surgeon and he said this is typical with his patients. i already assumed this too, but i wanted him to be aware of what i was experiencing.

• still sleep on my sides
• run regular errands
• drive a car
• still experience a regular libido
• be intimate with my partner
• 
  

can't do:

• sleep on my stomach.
• hug. this has become extremely uncomfortable. people now notice how 'hard' my chest is. i hugged my sister and she was super surprised...we did have a laugh about it though.
• pick up kids. i will be babysitting in the morning and if i am feeling the same level of pain i am now, i will not be able to pick the youngest one up. we'll still have lots of fun though!
• roll over in bed from one side to the other side with out pain. actually, it is quite excruciating changing positions in bed. and getting up from the couch. dressing into clothes isn't a problem though.

so where am i pain wise:
i will demonstrate some of it in pictures...but right now, i feel like i have permanent bruising in my armpits going down to my ribs...but there are no bruises there. the skin hurts to touch.

my skin is so tight, that my nipples feel like they are going to rip open at any moment. of course they look just fine so i know this won't happen but they are probably what hurt the most right now. i know this sucks, but the fact that i can feel my nipples is perhaps a good thing. it means nerve regeneration and possible return of sensation.

the expanders are so 'rock hard' now that when i am sitting they rest on my rib cage, dig in, and leave read marks on my skin as if i were wearing a bra.

i feel like i have indigestion because of the pressure on my lungs. deep breathes aggravate the sensation.

my back also hurts because of how the muscles in front are being stretched and pulled.

on with the pics...

things are starting to look a little funny with the expanders. less and less symmetry. this is completely normal and will not be the final result.

notice the red marks the expanders leave on my skin. it looks like i was wearing a bra, when in fact, i don't wear bras anymore. just tank tops.
i like the projection. you can barely see the scar from the drain now. they are both fading nicely.

the area in red is wear the skin feels like it is bruised. it is tender to the touch. i have been experiencing this since my last fill.



as you can see the incision directly in the areola are healing up nicely. you almost cannot see them. the scarring that is more prominent will be minimized during the second surgery and will hopefully be just as thin as the areola incisions.

51. a sea of shitty emotions

i feel like shit. emotionally.

i am so bummed out and spend many nights crying. life just sucks. i have so many god damn emotions and thoughts i am dealing with.

lets be frank. dealing with pbm and reconstruction ALONE is really fucking hard. and no, i won't apologize for the language. i need it for the emphasis. i feel so alone. and really, I AM ALONE. there are some days i seethe with jealousy at the support that so many women have while going through this and it brings me to despair. and then the flood gates come.

i am not angry that people are so blessed, but it leaves me wondering 'what the hell is wrong with me' to not have someone solid by my side, supporting me and encouraging me along life's path. and not just this surgery/reconstruction path, but through out my other endeavors. i know we are suppose to make choices for ourselves, but when there is no one else to share those choices, joys, and lows with, life just seems so pointless. so empty.

i can't even find the words to adequately convey what i am feeling. i have never been one to be good with words.

i feel like i am stuck in a rut. not sure if there is a way out of it where i am living right now. life is so boring living in a small town. everyone is either married, or from what i can see, drinks too much, or is trashy. i don't know how on earth i am suppose to meet anyone living up here. this is such a depressing thought. i am so sick of being alone. how the hell do you cope with that? it's not like i 'can get myself out there." there is no 'out there' up here.

meh. i am feeling further alienated by terminology from my online support group and the links that are shared. i hate that so much of this is connected to the brca gene. you hear the word previvor, and then it is soon followed by brca mutation. how am i suppose to connect with that world when i don't have a known mutation. or at least i don't think i do. it makes me feel that i am in a box all my own and navigating this all on my own. i cannot completely relate with other women going through this. i don't feel like i am part of their 'sisterhood'. in fact, i feel like a total outcast...sometimes, even from society. also, i seem to be the only 'single girl' from my interactions with the other ladies.

hopefully, tuesday will cheer me up a little bit. i have a scheduled fill. i am hoping to tolerate 60 cc's and will be spending time in the city overnight at my best friend's place. i haven't seen her for a few months and i miss her so much...to the point that i go numb because it is so hard to miss someone.

i am physically achy.sore on a consistent basis, so i am not expecting the pain to get any easier to deal with. in fact, i am sure it is about to get worse...so mixed emotions about tuesday. i am also driving to and from the appointment on my own and i am hoping this is not going to be a big mistake as i usually have my friend greg or my grandparents take me to these appointments and do all the driving.

50. the end of the world - but not really.

my expansion for today got canceled. i knew it, as soon as i heard my phone ring. i have distinctive ring tones. i got the call on monday.

i was really looking forward to this expansion because it meant i was one expansion away from being done.

it felt like the end of the world, and i cried. i am so sick of this foreign feeling in my body.

it. sucks. 24. hours. a. day.

i am in pain all the time. not extreme pain. but constant dull pain all the time. for the most part i can deal with it, but sometimes it really gets me down. the pain makes me flake out mentally. i feel vacant and numb when trying to interact with people and also stuck in my head.

however, it is not the end of the world. i know this. it is only overwhelming for a while, but life resumes soon after, and i learn to deal. i only have to wait another 2 weeks until september 7th for my next scheduled appointment.

i requested that surgery be tentatively scheduled. however, with this delay i won't be going to college in january anymore. i will have to wait till september 2011. i think i am ok with this. i don't want to rush my recovery and i don't want to be all goofy trying to focus on school while on pain killers.

i am a little worried about cold and flu season. fall is fast approaching, and the leaves have started to change. i don't know what it means if i get sick. i am worried that any type of infection could go to my expanders, causing my body to reject them. i don't want to have to do this expansion process again. i think that is my greatest fear right now. it is also not an irrational fear.

my focus for the next couple of months will be to eat as healthily as possible. i am really cutting out the meat lately...i've had some here and there due to family bbq's and such, but each time, the meat consumption has taken its toll.

as for the no shampooing, it has been 3 weeks!!! i almost caved and hit the bottle again because i hit a bit of a gross patch a few days ago. my hair started smelling like vinegar from the vinegar rinses so i stop using that and tried to go with just rinsing my hair for a week - no baking soda/no vinegar. near the end of the week my hair was getting yucky so i tried remedying it by using dr. bronner's pure castile soap with lavender and hemp (i use this for my body). it did nothing to eliminate the vinegar smell and i began to have a gross sebum build up on my hair which you could see. i nearly threw my hands up and almost purchased new shampoo and conditioner, but consulted my best friend elaine for advice first, since she is a week ahead of me and her hair is looking pretty fantastic in pictures.

elaine gave me advice that so far is working. she said i needed to "scrub" my hair more with the baking soda and get it through all of my hair. she then said, instead of rinsing with vinegar, use lemon juice instead. this seems to be the perfect combination now. rinsing with the lemon juice made my hair feel so silky soft and it left a nice scent behind and eliminated the vinegar smell. scrubbing with the baking soda has also eliminated the gross build up and my hair is clean now to the nose, sight and touch.

49. hurt

i've rewritten this post twice already and deleted it.

i'll just say that i have been hurting (emotionally) pretty badly the past few days. i am very grateful to my friend Kristen for listening to me tonight while i shared my inner most thoughts and pain. she is a ray of sunshine and has always been able to pick me up with her words, wise observations and encouragement.

also, teri, i know you are going to read this at some point. i am thinking about you so much and am praying for you. i don't want you to have to be fearful or burdened. please take care of yourself, and take an internet break if you have too so you can recover.

48. minor depression, thoughts, and my can do, can't do list

i've been doing really great mood wise, but out of the blue i was hit with some depression. i was bummed out all weekend. having experienced depression most of my life i am quite familiar when i am in a funk. it really sucks. i worry if i will get out of it. thankfully, most of it has lifted but i find myself still sensitive and a little overly emotional about things. but perhaps, that is normal based on some of the circumstances i am experiencing.

i find myself looking ahead to exchange surgery. i am also fearful. not of the surgery, but of not liking the final outcome. i have known at least 3 women who have had their exchange and been very unsatisfied.

i want to make sure that i communicate to the p.s. that i am really happy with the look and projection of my expanders now. i don't mind that they look a bit fake. well...a bit...i do want to get a bit more naturalness to them, but i think that will happen with the over-expansion.

i experienced quite a bit of discomfort and pain from the last expansion. it lasted about a week and a half and i coped with the pain by just dealing with it during the day. at night i needed to take a perc/oxy to help me sleep comfortably. i am mostly pain free now and haven't needed anything for pain since last wednesday.

i just realized yesterday, i am almost 4 months post-op. i was remarking to my surgery buddy - megan, that it feels like it was forever ago, and at other times it feels like it was just yesterday. it is all very surreal. i still don't think my mind has fully comprehended what it has gone through both physically and emotionally. i do find however, that i am better able to articulate my experience and what i was going through pre-surgery better, now that i do not feel that my life is threatened anymore.

i can also relate with another blogger's feelings about how we blame ourselves for the ordeals of going through surgery, complications, and pain. there is a guilt i feel when i had the collapsed lung and c-diff, that it was my fault, because "i chose" the surgery. but then i have to gently remind myself, that i didn't have any other option because at any moment cancer could chose me and i would have to do the surgery anyways with most likely not optimal results.

and that leads me to another bizarre thought pattern. i feel guilty that my reconstruction is fantastic. i am deeply grateful and my biggest fear going into this was my body would react in a negative way and reject the expanders or implants. (this is still a possibility). i feel it is not fair to the women that do not get a say in their choice of reconstruction because they have been diagnosed with cancer and end up not having the luxury of having the type of reconstruction i have had - that being the nipple sparing mastectomy with minimal scarring.

i would be interested in hearing feedback from other women who have had reconstruction about your thoughts on this. do you feel guilty over having a choice on your reconstruction? or, do you feel anger or jealously over someone else's reconstruction because you either had a poor outcome or no say in they type of reconstruction you were offered? or, do you have mixed feelings because you have been diagnosed with cancer, and didn't get to choose?

i haven't left a list of can and can't do since my last fill so here goes:

can do:

• swim, although not as strongly as last "can do" list - i've lost a bit of my strength
  
• pick up children - although it was difficult after the last fill for the first week and a half
• i can still sleep on my sides...albeit it is starting to get a little bit uncomfortable with the increase in size

can't do:

• sleep on my stomach. i tried this morning but it was completely uncomfortable and unnatural
• hug very hard. my chest is getting really tight and it is uncomfortable to have that much pressure on my chest
• *tear - i can't get completely cozy with the little kids i babysit when cuddling with them. i have to be very careful that they don't jump on me when they are excited. they are so cute! even though they are so young, they know how to be respectful and understand that they need to be careful with me.
• wear tight clothing. it feels so restricting and causes my skin to ache and feel an itchy kind of pain. this means i don't wear bras anymore, and it also means i have grown out of most of my tops; thus i need to go shopping.
• ***edit: added sunday august 15*** - handle stress or life's curve balls with out becoming a complete sobbing or shaking mess. being in a constant state of underlying pain takes it's toll on the emotions and anything has been able to trigger me...even minor incidents like watching the news.
  

on another interesting note, i have decided to stop shampooing and conditioning my hair. i am very cautious about what goes in and on my body and since 89% of ingredients in our everyday personal care items haven't been adequately assessed, i don't want to subject myself to possible toxins and carcinogens. just in case you are thinking that i am nuts, shampoo is a modern day invention that has only been around since the 1930's. people in the past all managed to do with out, so why can't i? the hair and scalp is self-cleansing and moisturizing once you let it adjust to no stripping of natural oils from shampoos/detergent.

so far, i have gone 1 week with out 'pooing my hair. instead, i have been washing with 1 Tbsp of baking soda to 1 cup of water, and "conditioning" it with 1 Tbsp of apple cider vinegar to 1 cup of water. so far, so good. if you are interested in this, there is a wealth of information about no 'pooing on the internet and many people have made the change. check it out!

i will take pics of my hair at some point to show you that it can still look fabulous!