91. where do we go from here

last week saw me visiting my breast surgeon for a one year follow-up from my double mastectomy. the appointment went well. both her nurse and the breast surgeon herself were very impressed with my results and commented on the symmetry of my reconstruction. this was good to hear because some days i have a hard time looking at myself in the mirror and seeing the obvious scars.

i think i may have mentioned before...maybe not, but i have been very confused with my grand-mothers brca results. as mentioned, we have a brca2 mutation of unknown significance. this unknown significance mean i don't know what to do. should i be doing any additional screening? should my family be doing any additional screening? should my uncle at 58 who has just been diagnosed with prostate cancer be tested since we now have a living affected family member?

these were all questions i asked my breast surgeon. she sent off a referral to a high risk clinic with in the Juravinski that can better help me answer these questions. the genetics counselor already called me the next day to do an over the phone assessment. she will be in touch with my genetics counselor that i have lost touch with at mcmaster to get my file transferred over.

i was still impressed with the amount of information my breast surgeon knew. she suggested annual skin checks for melanoma...which DOES run in our family...i am actually getting a mole removed next month that i showed my plastic surgeon who did my reconstruction. he volunteered to remove it since it's something else he does.

so there is ambiguity, but i feel that i am in good hands. i am excited to meet with the high risk clinic. i am going to be seeing a high risk doctor that another brca friend suggested. i am excited to get some answers and not be stuck with all this wondering.

90. holes

it's mother's day today. another day where i feel the emptiness and loss of my mother. even after 19 years there is still a hole. the sense that i am missing out on something special. a heaviness in my heart.

while many were getting up early to take their mother's out for brunch i was curled up in my bed. i know that on days like today her death still weighs on my heart, depresses my soul.

i couldn't get myself out of bed till 3pm.

sigh.

what's even harder is that i can't even articulate what i feel inside. words can't describe the loss. the holes. the emptiness. the sadness mixed with numbness. the ever evolving feelings of grief.

i even more saddened knowing i am not the only one who experiences this today. my arms are extended out to my community and all the women and men on here who have lost their mother's to the terrible disease of breast or ovarian cancer.

89. one year follow up with my breast surgeon

this coming wednesday i have my one year follow up with my breast surgeon who performed my mastectomies.

i have some questions in regards to continued breast surveillance and whether or not i need anymore screening. i have heard from others and from some medical and published opinion that i should at least still have a base line mri. i can no longer have mammograms as far as i know but ultrasound is still possible.

any suggestions or questions i should ask? i also got the name and number from another breast buddy melissa for a high risk brca doc that i am going to ask for a referral for. there is still the question of my ovaries and ambiguous brca result that i would like more of an expert opinion on.

88. I made the Dean's List

Just wanted to share my success. I made the Dean's List for this Semester! I can't believe it and yet I can because I set my goals and kept my eye on the prize. Dean's list is an overall average of 85% and I still haven't got a mark back but even if I did not write that test I would still have an 87% average...so, when I do get that mark back I am looking at at least a 90% average.

I am incredibly proud of myself considering all I have gone through in the past 2 years especially entering school while still vulnerable and recovering from surgery. It wasn't easy and some days I still feel like I am catching my breath and recovering.

In reality, I am still recovering. I am adjusting to my new body. And it is not always easy. I still experience weird sensations, numbness, pain and extreme tiredness but it has all been worth it. I am so glad I didn't wait to start school in September.

My time is now:) Thanks for sticking with me through this journey. It is so great to see the light at the end of the tunnel:)

87. I'm up for nomination!

Hi everyone. I have some exciting new!

I am up for nomination by two of my teachers at school for my hard work and participation in College Life and Community Life. If my blog has touched you in some way or you've reached out to me and we have corresponded via email please consider sharing your thoughts or write a letter of recommendation about our experience on how my blog helped you in your experience or quest for knowledge.

Please submit your responses by hitting the CONTACT ME button to the right of the screen or email me personally at binary.speaking@gmail.com

Also, please be aware that what you share will be shared with others so be sure to protect your own confidentiality if you don't want private information shared. As well, it would help if you put a disclaimer at the bottom of the message stating that you give me permission to share your letters publicly:)

Thanks all! Life is so exciting!
Rachel

86. 1 year post-op PBM pictures

hi everyone! i finally got around to taking some pictures. these are one year post operation of my double mastectomy. since i moved, the quality and lighting of the pictures does not look the same as all my other pictures because i could not achieve the same lighting. bummer. the lighting also makes the foobs look a little off however, what you are seeing with my nipples being different heights is what i see in the mirror.  the little bruise (bovi-burn) hasn't disappeared much on my left breast.

when looking at these pictures, keep in mind that my scars are only 4 months old as my final reconstruction surgery was december 6, 2010. i'm not overly excited with the way my scars are looking so far but i gues this is because of how i heal. i was really hoping they would look thinner than they do.

overall, i am very pleased with my results. i am looking forward to the day i have a little bit of cash to get some nice bras and a sexy swimsuit. i love my new cleavage...and also not having to wear a bra!!!

85. 1 Year Post-Op Mastectomy!!!

Woo Hoo!!! 1 Year!

Yes! Life does go on!

Today found me in a great mood and giddy despite being extremely tired from school.

I apologize that there are not pics as promised. I will do them over the weekend when I have a chance to breathe. I have one week left until Semester 1 of Nursing is done and then 2 blissful weeks off before Semester 2 begins.

xoxo