16. rays of sunshine and dark thunder clouds

what an awesome day. the weather was yet again beautiful and today was the day my family got together to celebrate easter.

my grandparents revealed that they are moving back to "not disclosed for privacy" where i live so it will be great to spend more time with them--especially during recovery. oma brought a slew of photos and the whole family was in hysterics while we walked through memory lane. i especially enjoyed the photos that were of my mom. my heart broke for my sister though who was only 3 years old when mom died. she really appreciated seeing the pics.

my heart broke later today when my oma brought out a couple of newspaper articles that my mom was in when she was in remission for the first time. i was so absolutely devastated reading the article head line. i couldn't read the articles at the time because i was too upset so i tucked them away in my purse.

reading the articles at home i was even more devastated. the articles portrayed her positive outlook and wanting to give back to the community. i, on the other hand know full well the outcome. she would only live another year which involved an even more grueling and bitter battle ahead of her which entailed at the time an experimental stem cell/bone marrow transplant. that would lead to a second but short lived remission and then her death.







it was an emotional and bustling day and i barely had a chance to share with my oma and aunts about my surgery date. i was frustrated that i was only able to tell my oma as she was on her way out the door.

i told my 2 aunts about 15 minutes before my sis and i were to head home that surgery is in 11 days and they were sort of speechless. i could see the pain in their eyes and they just gave me big hugs. my tante (aunt in dutch) ali said she will come visit me. it's not like i dropped a bomb on them because they have known of my decision for some time but i think it seems surreal until you are actually at the stage where things are booked and you are doing the countdown.

i am so happy to have love and support. i didn't really know how much support i had until recently. it is great to have these revelations leading up to surgery. it makes things easier...but in a way it also makes things harder because i know this has become other peoples burden...something that affects them in a unique and sometimes painful way.

my hope is that i can stay positive like my mom and give back...but sorry mom...i don't want to follow in your footsteps.

15. dare i say it

in light of last months surgery bump i am hesitant to write that my new surgery date is april 14th. not even 2 weeks notice. i suppose this is a good thing. i will have less time to stress about it.

on another note...i was completely stressed yesterday because the children i babysit came down with the chicken pox and i was definitely exposed with in the incubation period.

i have never had the chicken pox so naturally i freaked out because i am worried it will push my surgery or i will present with an outbreak shortly thereafter when i am recovering. my brother also had the chicken pox a few years ago (in his 30's thus verifying the fact that i knew i never got them) and it turned out to be an awful time for him and our family resulting in a pretty major depression for him. i think this scare brings up some emotions from that time.

anyways, i did a bit of research online and found out there is a immunity shot i can get to either prevent an outbreak all together or at least minimize it. it is called the varicella zoster immune globulin. i was in contact with my emergency department last night and they were able to get the shot for me (despite it being a long weekend) and i had the shot administered today. so one less stress.

i am coping quite well...i am not actively preparing like i did last month. not yet anyways. fortunately mostly everything is already in place. i will do a thorough clean sometime next week...prepare some meals in advance...do a linen cleaning and make sure my room is as sterile as possible. other than that, i will just need to pack my bags and maintain my sanity.

the weather has been amazing so i spent the better portion of the day outside. it is also easter weekend and there is a family dinner tomorrow that i am looking forward too. i will tell my family about the surgery date too. hope everyone else is enjoying the long weekend.

14. no formal dance training required

i have much to say...
...but can't find the words to say it.

so i decided to get creative with my feelings and thoughts.

i am not a trained dancer. this was not choreographed. please don't kill me in the comments section.

13. courage is my strength

12. preserving history

i am moved beyond words but i will blog more about the eventful side of things and try to capture the emotion of the past few days in another post...but here is a little bit:

a support system has come out of no where and heaps of love has been surrounding me to the brim. i feel at peace and am enjoying life. today i remarked that i was happy!

this weekend i went to the city with a new friend (i'll call LP) who has quickly developed into a close and cherished person in my life. we went to the city...my home town to visit her sister and girlfriend with another friend (who i will call MOC). we actually call each other by these acronyms...lol...yes they have meaning and yes we have a ton of fun!

so i went with the hopes of possibly doing a photo shoot and brought my camera. my bff from hamilton met up with us and LP's sister made the most amazing meal ever. it was probably one of the most visually stunning and impressive meals i have ever had. (wish i took a picture.)

dinner and dessert was completed and a newly purchased bottle of wine was opened. LP's sister agreed to do a photo shoot so i built my courage up a little bit.

i was quite nervous at first but also brave in taking off my shirt. i am sure the vino helped! i felt at first that i had to make apologies about my tiny breasts but self talked that nonsense right out of my head. my breasts are beautiful and we definitely captured them.

at the end of the photo shoot something miraculous happened. and this is where i have trouble articulating the sense of emotion i felt...the awe and splendor of women banding together. it is something i have never experienced before...

this group of women decided to get brave and don their shirts and pose topless with me to show their love and support. and it was such a unique and special moment. i am so truly touched that i do not know if i will ever be able to find the words to express what i felt and still feel at this moment.

any who...here are a few i would like to share...the last one is priceless!

11. a bit of a break

so the past few days have been spent having a life and it has been great. i have been able to enjoy life and new friends and not be overwhelmed with the disappointment of surgery delays. the anxiety level has gone down too. i am sure this is why my posts have become a little bit infrequent. which is ok.

i have made other plans during this week and coming weekend and realize it is important to have fun things to look forward to so that the surgery does not become all encompassing.

i know this blog will pick back up once i am in the thick of things again but for now i am going to keep on with enjoying life and the welcoming the distractions it brings. i am not taking a hiatus but for sanity's i am distancing myself a bit from the hboc/brca/boob world.

10. relating