losing the boobs

96. One year ago today...

2011-12-06T22:22:00.010-05:00

Well...it's been 1 year since I completed my journey after having a double mastectomy and reconstruction. The day almost slipped away with out me realizing it. My mastectomy was on April 14, 2010, but reconstruction took 8 months and culminated in my final surgery December 6, 2010 and this is the day I chose to reflect upon what I went through. The day that felt I could move on with my life.

So much has happened in a year. I moved. I started school. I met tons of great new people. And I became a Nurse. I graduate in 4 months and will soon embark on a new career in the nursing profession. Life is so full of promise...not something I could say 2 years ago when my life was full of fear and anxiety over breast cancer. Fear over finding more lumps. Fear over having more biopsies. Fear of the results. Fear I wouldn't see the next 10 years. Fear that I would have to go through chemotherapy or radiation. Fear that I would leave my family behind. Fear that I would suffer the same fate as my mother.

I am so lucky, with the support of family, friends (shout out to my bestie: Elaine), organizations like Force and Bright Pink and my beloved BRCA bosom buddies like Michele, Teri, Shari, Megan, Claudia, Rebecca, and Robyn to name a few, and an outstanding Health Care Team that I was able to become empowered and take control of my future. Be in charge of my fate. Face my risk of breast cancer head on and make the empowering decision not only to have a PBM, but to share my experience and empower others along the way.

What a remarkable journey it has been. A journey that has shaped me into the person I am today. Strong. Vibrant. And full of Life! Baby, I'm a Firework!!!

95. Guest Post: David Haas

2011-09-13T17:57:00.000-04:00

Human's Power Over Cancer

Humanity has an incredible ability to persevere through hard times and unfortunate situations. This ability is enhanced when positivity is displayed through all the people that one deals with.

Cancer survivor networks have helped thousands of cancer patients understand and cope with their condition. Moreover, it surrounds patients with other people in the same situation. There are groups for different kinds of cancer, such as colon cancer, breast cancer and skin cancer. There are even groups that are specially designed for patients with a rare cancer, like mesothelioma. Here are some specific reasons why cancer survivor networks are important.

It allows patients to exchange thoughts

Cancer patients are constantly thinking about their situation and need a support group to sort all the thoughts they have. Many patients have questions that they either are scared to ask a doctor about or forget to ask a doctor during their visit. These relaxed groups help patients, and even encourage patients, to write a list of questions that they want to ask the group and group leaders.

Some common topics during a session include life expectancy questions, tips to help recover from chemotherapy, how to stay positive during treatment, and why it is so important to stay positive during treatment.

It helps patients develop a positive outlook and sense of well-being

Having talked about their condition, many patients leave each group session feeling positive and ready to embrace the world during their battle with cancer.

This positive outlook and sense of well-being not only helps patients mentally, but also physically. Studies show that a positive outlook helps the body to relax, allowing the immune system and other important bodily functions to operate in an efficient manner.

It allows patients in remission share their experience

Cancer survivor networks are for patients in all stages of cancer, including remission. Therefore, remission patients can share their experience to other patients who are still going through treatment or have yet to go through treatment. A remission patient's uplifting and encouraging stories can help other patients to feel empowered and less anxious about their condition.

Conclusion

This link http://www.cancer.org/Treatment/SupportProgramsServices/index connects patients with survivor networks. However, there are also online cancer survivor network programs to help patients who are confined to their house, though some people may say they are not as effective as in-person groups.

If you are going through cancer treatment, you should connect yourself to a survivor network. The friends you will meet and the information you will gain will be invaluable.

By: David Haas

94. following up and my health

2011-09-11T12:08:00.003-04:00

so i had my appointment with the genetics counselor a while back. here is what happened...

i found out our brca2 mutation of unknown significance had be down-graded to a status 4-5 which means through study, they consider this mutation harmless and not responsible for the cancers in my family.

this is good i suppose, but it doesn't put the puzzle pieces together for my family. it also does not qualify me for additional surveillance on top of my mastectomy.

in canada, post mastectomy follow up consists of annual clinical breast exams by my family doctor. no additional imaging. i asked about a base-line mri and they don't do that here either. should something "show up", the steps would be an ultra sound and then possible mri.

we went over my family tree again. there are still a lot of questions on my mother's father's side. this side has not been tested. there is still a lot of gaps in data but because most of the family past the 1st generation lives in holland and is not english speaking i have put all the digging around to get information on hold. it is too stressful and school takes up way too much time.

as for my health...i've been in reasonable good health through out the past 2 years and my whole ordeal. i had been eating exceptionally well and only had one cold. aside from complications that i could not really prevent (c-diff and pneumothorax post surgery in april of 2010), i was surprised to find out a few weeks ago that i had been walking around and going to school with pneumonia for the past 2-3 months!!!

i had been complaining often of shortness of breath, difficulty breathing on extremely hot and humid days and remarked to many that i thought i was developing asthma or that i was anemic. blood work came back perfect. i feel slightly embarrassed that i did not recognize that i had pneumonia as this is now the 4th time! had i known, i would have sought treatment much earlier. the only thing i think that threw me was every other time i have had pneumonia in the past, i had an aggravating cough that would keep me up all night and fever/night sweats. i had none of that with this bout.

after a 2 week round of antibiotics and a bout with a superinfection (again...but thankfully not c-diff) i think i am feeling better. i did not get a phone call from my follow-up chest x-ray so i hope that means its all clear. i am still feeling short of breath and tired but this could be because my body has been deconditioned (to cause to decline from a condition of physical fitness, as through a prolonged period) so i need to work on increasing my fitness level again.

sorry for the late response/follow-up from my last post. i do blame this on the pneumonia. it's great to have excuses. lol. my excuse now if i don't post is that semester 3 just started for nursing. i am officially half-way through the program. this semester i will get to go into the OR and witness a few surgeries. this is very exciting for me. maybe i will get to see a double mastectomy!

***stay tuned for a guest post this week from David Hass on "Human's Power Over Cancer" and how to utilize Cancer survivor networks.

93. dusty

2011-08-09T23:49:00.002-04:00

wow. my blog is becoming like an old book on the shelf. it's been almost 2 months since i've been here. of course, i will give you the same excuse...and it is a legit one...nursing school takes up all my time.

i am currently nearing the end of semester 2...that means i am pretty much half way through the course. finals start this week and run into next week. then 2.5 blissful weeks off. i so need it. i would like to enjoy the summer before it disappears and the snow makes its appearance again.

i don't have classes tomorrow, but tomorrow is the day i meet with the new genetics counselor which will hopefully be able to determine which route i should take in regards to surveillance now that my breasts...are gone! i have read different opinions. i'm just not sure what to do. i don't think i should be doing nothing at all because as we all know, there is always residual breast tissue after mastectomy. i still have my lymph nodes...and breast cancer could still start in the arm pits, etc cuz there is tissue there too.

i will let you know how it goes. it may be a few days. hopefully i remember to post in the flurry of studying and trying to maintain my honor roll status when writing my exams. it sure is stressful. semester 2 was harder than semester 1.

if you are reading this and it is subsequently 1 month since i have posted, please send me a message.

apologies to my blogging community/brca sistas! i have no idea what is going on in your lives right now. i miss you. i hope to get caught up and connect with you over my mini summer break. you gals are in the back of my mind. i know you were rooting for me to get to this point, and yes my life has gone on. i hope not to forget about this blog though. it's just on slow motion right now while i am in school.

lots of love...and if you are someone who has just come across my page and are looking for support, please message me because i do make it a priority to help out our community:)

oh...and just found this cool link that sums up PBM nicely:
http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/factsheet/Therapy/preventive-mastectomy

92. boobless get-together!

2011-06-12T18:48:00.004-04:00

this past friday a group of women decided to get together. we didn't know each other, but we shared a common bond that drew us together. our boobs...or lack there of...i prefer to call them upgrades;)

this started off so innocently enough. i had given permission to my plastic surgeon Dr. Avram to share my blog with his patients. through my blog i have been able to connect with some of these women in my area and offer them advice and reassurance through face book, emails and phone conversations. i have been able to connect some of these women with other women i have met through FORCE who are going through the same things at the same time.

a lady who i connected with through my blog - Alana, was so awesome enough to put a gathering together for us to all meet. this past Friday, 7 women (+ 1 mom) met for the first time at a restaurant. the kinship was immediate. within minutes we had connected on an intimate and personal level. we laughed and we cried. we joked around and we hugged. we shared our ups and our downs and i can say for certain that at the end of the night we all left with a glow in our hearts.

it has always been my hope all along that my blog would help to empower others along the same or similar journey as me. that hope was completely surpassed when a complete stranger who i had only met an hour before toasted me and my blog. with tears glistening in her eyes she looked into mine and struggled to stammer out the words of how much hope my blog gave her and her daughter during such a frightening time when her daughter was diagnosed with breast cancer and everything was unknown.

as i recall the memory now i am overcome with happiness and joy and yes some tears, that i as a human being could offer such hope to just one family. it is almost surreal and hard to believe! surreal that 7 women were raising their glasses in honour of me! hard to believe that i, just one person, could have so much impact on other people's lives.

thank you to the wonderful women i met this weekend. i can't wait to get together again. and to the one's who couldn't make it, there will be more get togethers to come!

boobless wonders!

91. where do we go from here

2011-05-17T17:44:00.002-04:00

last week saw me visiting my breast surgeon for a one year follow-up from my double mastectomy. the appointment went well. both her nurse and the breast surgeon herself were very impressed with my results and commented on the symmetry of my reconstruction. this was good to hear because some days i have a hard time looking at myself in the mirror and seeing the obvious scars.

i think i may have mentioned before...maybe not, but i have been very confused with my grand-mothers brca results. as mentioned, we have a brca2 mutation of unknown significance. this unknown significance mean i don't know what to do. should i be doing any additional screening? should my family be doing any additional screening? should my uncle at 58 who has just been diagnosed with prostate cancer be tested since we now have a living affected family member?

these were all questions i asked my breast surgeon. she sent off a referral to a high risk clinic with in the Juravinski that can better help me answer these questions. the genetics counselor already called me the next day to do an over the phone assessment. she will be in touch with my genetics counselor that i have lost touch with at mcmaster to get my file transferred over.

i was still impressed with the amount of information my breast surgeon knew. she suggested annual skin checks for melanoma...which DOES run in our family...i am actually getting a mole removed next month that i showed my plastic surgeon who did my reconstruction. he volunteered to remove it since it's something else he does.

so there is ambiguity, but i feel that i am in good hands. i am excited to meet with the high risk clinic. i am going to be seeing a high risk doctor that another brca friend suggested. i am excited to get some answers and not be stuck with all this wondering.

90. holes

2011-05-08T15:29:00.004-04:00

it's mother's day today. another day where i feel the emptiness and loss of my mother. even after 19 years there is still a hole. the sense that i am missing out on something special. a heaviness in my heart.

while many were getting up early to take their mother's out for brunch i was curled up in my bed. i know that on days like today her death still weighs on my heart, depresses my soul.

i couldn't get myself out of bed till 3pm.

sigh.

what's even harder is that i can't even articulate what i feel inside. words can't describe the loss. the holes. the emptiness. the sadness mixed with numbness. the ever evolving feelings of grief.

i even more saddened knowing i am not the only one who experiences this today. my arms are extended out to my community and all the women and men on here who have lost their mother's to the terrible disease of breast or ovarian cancer.

89. one year follow up with my breast surgeon

2011-05-06T17:47:00.002-04:00

this coming wednesday i have my one year follow up with my breast surgeon who performed my mastectomies.

i have some questions in regards to continued breast surveillance and whether or not i need anymore screening. i have heard from others and from some medical and published opinion that i should at least still have a base line mri. i can no longer have mammograms as far as i know but ultrasound is still possible.

any suggestions or questions i should ask? i also got the name and number from another breast buddy melissa for a high risk brca doc that i am going to ask for a referral for. there is still the question of my ovaries and ambiguous brca result that i would like more of an expert opinion on.

88. I made the Dean's List

2011-04-22T14:03:00.000-04:00

Just wanted to share my success. I made the Dean's List for this Semester! I can't believe it and yet I can because I set my goals and kept my eye on the prize. Dean's list is an overall average of 85% and I still haven't got a mark back but even if I did not write that test I would still have an 87% average...so, when I do get that mark back I am looking at at least a 90% average.

I am incredibly proud of myself considering all I have gone through in the past 2 years especially entering school while still vulnerable and recovering from surgery. It wasn't easy and some days I still feel like I am catching my breath and recovering.

In reality, I am still recovering. I am adjusting to my new body. And it is not always easy. I still experience weird sensations, numbness, pain and extreme tiredness but it has all been worth it. I am so glad I didn't wait to start school in September.

My time is now:) Thanks for sticking with me through this journey. It is so great to see the light at the end of the tunnel:)

87. I'm up for nomination!

2011-04-19T17:58:00.006-04:00

Hi everyone. I have some exciting new!

I am up for nomination by two of my teachers at school for my hard work and participation in College Life and Community Life. If my blog has touched you in some way or you've reached out to me and we have corresponded via email please consider sharing your thoughts or write a letter of recommendation about our experience on how my blog helped you in your experience or quest for knowledge.

Please submit your responses by hitting the CONTACT ME button to the right of the screen or email me personally at binary.speaking@gmail.com

Also, please be aware that what you share will be shared with others so be sure to protect your own confidentiality if you don't want private information shared. As well, it would help if you put a disclaimer at the bottom of the message stating that you give me permission to share your letters publicly:)

Thanks all! Life is so exciting!
Rachel

86. 1 year post-op PBM pictures

2011-04-17T18:03:00.010-04:00

hi everyone! i finally got around to taking some pictures. these are one year post operation of my double mastectomy. since i moved, the quality and lighting of the pictures does not look the same as all my other pictures because i could not achieve the same lighting. bummer. the lighting also makes the foobs look a little off however, what you are seeing with my nipples being different heights is what i see in the mirror.

the little bruise (bovi-burn) hasn't disappeared much on my left breast and in the pictures it looks like i have a bit of capsular contraction of the left breast compared to the right breast. never notices this before and looking in the mirror it is not something i notice so maybe it is just the lighting.

when looking at these pictures, keep in mind that my scars are only 4 months old as my final reconstruction surgery was december 6, 2010. i'm not overly excited with the way my scars are looking so far but i gues this is because of how i heal. i was really hoping they would look thinner than they do.

overall, i am very pleased with my results. i am looking forward to the day i have a little bit of cash to get some nice bras and a sexy swimsuit. i love my new cleavage...and also not having to wear a bra!!!

85. 1 Year Post-Op Mastectomy!!!

2011-04-14T22:50:00.002-04:00

Woo Hoo!!! 1 Year!

Yes! Life does go on!

Today found me in a great mood and giddy despite being extremely tired from school.

I apologize that there are not pics as promised. I will do them over the weekend when I have a chance to breathe. I have one week left until Semester 1 of Nursing is done and then 2 blissful weeks off before Semester 2 begins.

xoxo

84. still here!

2011-04-03T01:22:00.002-04:00

a quick hello. i am sooooo busy with school. it has taken over my life in a good way. i am growing so much as a person and i am so proud of myself! i am pulling off the marks i had aimed to achieve which is making all the hard work more worthwhile!

one year is fast approaching since i had my mastectomy. i will be sure and do a one year post; complete with pictures. april 14th...save the date:)

83. this is cool and why i have had no pics of my boobs recently

2011-02-27T20:54:00.003-05:00

ok...so check this out.

pretty cool right? see all those red dots? these are where people are in the world that are visiting my blog. if i hover over one of the red dots when i go to my lifestat screen, it will tell me the specific country and state/province and city people are visiting from and also how many times they have visited my blog.

i think it is so cool that i have had visitors from all over the world!

as for photo updates...i wish to inform you all that i sold my camera a few months ago to help with school. hopefully i can get my hands on a professional camera soon and take up-to-date pictures of how things are healing and settling. for my own personal reasons i would also like to compare because i am starting to get impatient with the healing of my scars and think they have actually gotten bigger:(

happy march break to those that have it coming up. i have one week off right now and so need to catch up on my rest and have some fun!

82. purpose, brca results, and slippery slopes

2011-02-15T19:55:00.004-05:00

a very cool thing happened yesterday. my plastic surgeon's office called and asked if i would be willing to speak with a women who had chosen to use him as her plastic surgeon for her reconstruction. i of course agreed, because any information i could share about my personal experience to help ease the anxiety of someone else is empowering to them and also healing for me as well.

about an hour later, this female called me and we chatted for about a half an hour. like me, she had already spent hours researching her stuff and knew what type of questions to ask. i was able to give her my personal experience side of things and some tips on what to expect and how to prepare for possible complications. she was very grateful and we both felt very good after our conversation. i got her email after, and shared some further information and links with her.

a., if you are reading this, thank you so much for talking with me. i wish you all the best and as i mentioned, i am here for you as much as i can be for someone who does not drive;) i hope speaking with me will help take some of the anxiety and feeling of not knowing away. i commend you for being proactive with your health and doing what 'needs to be done' for your kids and family.

on a separate note, i have not shared my family's brca gene testing results yet. it's been a few months since we received our result and i didn't know how to process it. genetic testing was done on my mother's mother's side of the family, and as of yet i have not shared the results with you guys. well here are the results.

brca2 mutation - unknown significance.

still don't know what to make of this. i don't know if i have this particular brca2 mutation because they will not test related family members when it is a mutation of unknown significance.

so, i am still glad i went forward with my pbm and didn't wait around for results. i am glad i made my mind up before any possible results.

as for this result. it has been graded as possibly going either way. the genetics counselor said to check in once a year to see if any further information comes to light which would indicate whether or not our particular mutation is harmful or not...or lets just say whether it is what is causing our familial cancers or not.

so here is the slippery slope. some scattered cancers have appeared here and there on my mother's father's side. to date, there has been a young breast cancer on his side, my mom's father has had prostate cancer (treated and in remission), her uncle had lung cancer, and now within the past few weeks another one of her uncles (my great uncle) has been diagnosed with the dreaded pancreatic cancer.

so now i have the nagging fear that maybe there a genetic defect on the other side too. at this stage of the game, i am sure there is nothing to be done. i do not think this side has any interest in genetic testing and does not at this stage see a need for it because there are not as many cancers on this side in comparison to my grandmother's side.

i guess all i can do for now is give the updated information to my genetic counselor and let her make sense of it. but damn, this cancer stuff sucks! nothing like getting those phone calls that another family member has cancer.

81. so out of the loop

2011-02-05T14:05:00.002-05:00

hi all.

school has taken over my life! i have no idea what is going on in the brca blog-o-sphere anymore. i miss so many of you!

yesterday was my second friday in clinical placement (i'm going to school for nursing - clinical is hands-on training and practical). it was such a great experience and i got a lot of positive feed-back from my class-mates and the staff at the hospital.

i wanted to share, that through out the entire day at clinical, i did not think once about my boobs! i am no longer my boobs. i am no longer my mastectomy. i am no longer my surgery or reconstruction. i am no longer a patient. i don't know if you know what that means or not. some of you will. up until a month ago, this boob stuff was always in my thoughts...permeating everything i did and thought.

i am now just me. a nurse. a student. coming into my own. my 3 year journey no longer defines me. it now is just a memory and something that gave me strength. showed me what i was made up. showed me my strength.

:)

so in regards to my surgery...i am able to sleep on my tummy every night now. i get more and more used to it every night. it is still a conscious event of turning onto my stomach to get comfortable.

hmmm...what else.

oh i wanted to give a shout out to a new blogger. please welcome her to out community and check out and comment on her blog: http://andthentherewasoneboob.blogspot.com/

Stephanie sent me a very nice personal message. her blog is really cool. last year she got married twice, once in london and again the next day in paris. the picture on her blog is totally her. i love her wedding dress! this past december (not even 2 months ago) Stephanie was diagnosed with breast cancer. she is currently going through treatment and reconstruction of her breast that was removed via mastectomy. please pass by her blog and give her some support. i know y'all are good at sharing the love!

80. featured! on previve.com

2011-01-22T22:39:00.010-05:00

check out my story on previve.com! just scroll to the bottom and there i am or go directly to my story: http://previve.com/?p=747 or read the cut and paste below.

claudia gilmore is documenting her experience and created previve.com. i credit claudia with empowering me to look at my journey differently. it wasn't until a few months ago that i felt i could embrace the word previve and be proud of my journey. now that i am completely done with the mastectomy and reconstruction i am proud of myself! i have seen what i am made of and i know who i am now. and...i am a previvor!

Rachel Hommersen

By Previve on December 22, 2010 | Category: Previvor Stories | 1 Comment
My name is Rachel Hommersen, and I am a Canadian previvor. A previvor does not in my case, mean you have a genetic mutation that might be harmful (or at least one that has been identified). My family went through genetic testing and we received results last month, however, our results were somewhat ambiguous. A BRCA2 mutation was found, but research has suggested on various fronts that our mutation could either be harmful or not. It is called a ‘genetic mutation of unknown significance’ but more and more research is showing it to be a benign mutation and insignificant. I need to listen to my family history as a guide and 5 cases of breast cancer speak loudly.

On a more realistic note, I have been aware of my risk for breast cancer the past 3 years. Apart from the possibly damaging BRCA2 mutation, I have already been assessed as having a 35-40% risk factor for breast cancer based on family history and personal risk factors alone. I have since reduced my risk to between 1-3% by undergoing a bilateral prophylactic breast mastectomy in April of 2010.

My personal story starts like many other stories before me. In November 2007, I casually found a lump in my left breast while sitting at my computer. Instantly, I was filled with fear. At 31, I had never paid attention to my breasts. Sure, I performed the odd breast self examine, but the fact was, I had detached myself from my breasts and had much self-loathing towards them. Ultimately, I half-expected them to kill me after watching my mother battle and succumb to breast cancer at the young age of 38.

Within an instant of discovering that lump, I was overcome with overwhelming fears that my breasts were going to betray me. In fact, they had. Fortunately, the lump was benign, but I was diagnosed with various proliferative breast diseases including Fibrocystic Breast Disease, Apocrine Metaplasia, and Sclerosing Adenosis (pre-malignant). The lump I originally discovered turned out to be an Intraductal Papilloma.

With these findings, I was thrown into the world of high-risk surveillance. Every 3-6 months, I would have a mammogram, ultra-sound, MRI, or any combination of the 3. After 2 years of surveillance, it no longer became the right choice for me. High risk surveillance equaled high anxiety 24 – 7. I was breast obsessed! After much heart ache and research, I gradually came to the decision that I would have a bilateral prophylactic breast mastectomy – the removal of both my breasts.

On April 14, 2010, I underwent a Nipple Sparing PBM with expander placement. I experienced several complications following surgery including a Pneumothorax (collapsed lung) and Clostridium Difficile (a bug I picked up while in hospital, which, in combination with antibiotics, caused severe diarrhea and dehydration requiring an additional 3 day hospital stay), but luckily, nothing that affected the outcome of my surgery.

I am in celebration mode now! After undergoing 8 months of reconstruction from my first surgery in April of 2010, on December 6, 2010, I had my exchange surgery. My results are stunning and impressive. As I write this, it has only been 7 days since my final surgery, but I finally feel that this chapter of my life is closed. I can truly move forward with out the threat of cancer and live my life! Life is moving full speed ahead and I am so ready to give back to the friends, family, and strangers that have given so much to me over the past few years. In January, I will be embarking on a new life, and attending college to become a Nurse.

If you would like to learn more about my story, I invite you to visit my blog: http://losingtheboobs.blogspot.com I had much support during my experience from sources such as FORCE and other fellow bloggers like Claudia who’ve experienced similar journeys. It has been therapeutic to document my story, knowing I am helping take the mystery and fear away of breast mastectomy with reconstruction. I am very candid about my experience and show no shame by sharing photos of my surgery, reconstruction, and exchange. I invite you to visit my site, or recommend it to a friend who may be in need of the resources I share on my blog.

79. 9 months! i could have had a baby but instead i got new boobs!

2011-01-17T15:54:00.009-05:00

NOT PREGNANT!

NO BABY.

JUST NEW BOOBS!

well...it has been 9 months since my mastectomy and about 5 weeks since my exchange from expanders to implants.

thoughts?

many.

here are a few. some verbal diarrhea.

ptsd? i think i might be having some post traumatic stress. i think i need to go for some counseling to wrap my head around everything...the 2 year agony leading up to surgery, the biopsies, surgery, pneumothorax, c-diff, exchange. all of this mental and physical stuff has taken a toll and i have mostly kept it to myself and stuffed it.

i broke down the other day at school while getting my flu shot (which i am against), and i felt like i could have cried for a century. of course it was not the time or place. the thing is, when i was going through all of the above shit, i was trying to stay positive and focused just to get through. it never really felt real or like it was actually happening. i never really dealt with what i was actually going through because i needed to stay 'strong' in order to get through it. i was mostly in reasonable mind/intellect mode.

well, now the emotions are surfacing. sigh. and life is happening! life is great! but it is a huge change to what i have been experiencing over the past few years...medical issues and lots of isolation. i also have a lot of emotions i need to work through over the assault.

fortunately, college seems to be a good starting point in finding someone i can talk to. they offer free counseling services which will also be beneficial with getting added advice on my studies. the other option is, i can return to my nurse that i was seeing a few years ago when all of this shit happened and before i moved up north.

as for the actual boobs...foobs...

they are great...thanks for asking:)

now that the swelling has gone down, there is some noticeable rippling but that is just part of the story folks! they still look beautiful. they have been feeling really tight the past few weeks, but hopefully that is because i have been doing too much with the move and lugging 50 pound books around. i was also told by the ps that inflammation sets in around week 6 so things are still going to change and look different.

(edit: these are not pictures of me above or below)

i started massaging last week (lol...even while in class), and joyfully located my bio oil last night which was promptly massaged into my scars after a relaxing bath. the scars are still very, very red, so hopefully the bio oil will help diminish that, as it seems to be one of the best advice for scars on the FORCE boards.

oh! and last night was the first night in eons that i was able to sleep on my stomach again. i am excited about going to bed tonight and having a more restful sleep.

i guess that is all for now. i am swamped with school. i love my new apartment. and among all that, i have recognized that there are some sensitive emotions that need attending to despite all the positive joys happening in my life right now.

back to the books!

78. life!

2011-01-12T19:54:00.004-05:00

ok. so a lot has happened in the past few weeks to distract me from this blog.

i moved.

and i started school.

i haven't had a chance to catch my breath from the move and barely had time to unpack before i started college this past monday. i will say though, that i am loving being back in the big city, love my new apartment, love seeing my cats so happy in it, and i love being in school.

life is so completely different and new compared to last year that it makes it easy to go about my day barely thinking about what i endure this past year. how great is that?!?! life goes on!

anywho, tomorrow i finally have my post-op appointment for my exchange surgery. it was delayed due to being 'snowed in' up north. now that i am back in the city, my plastic surgeon is easily accessible. only a 5 minute drive from where i live:)

sorry if i seem neglectful in the coming months. i will try to check in every once in a while and i will try to do a follow up post in the next coming days to let you all know how my post op goes in the morning:)

turning in now for some much needed rest.
ZZZZZZZZ

77. 3 weeks post-op and not dependent.

2010-12-27T21:22:00.004-05:00

wow!

i can't believe it's been 3 weeks! it feels so long ago.

all of the scabs have officially come off of my incisions as of yesterday. i had to trim some of the ends off the stitches though, because they were causing irritation and redness. i had a pretty good post-op kit set up from the initial mastectomy that i received through o.h.i.p. when i was having nursing care. it came with these nifty little surgical scissors made just for the job. (i made sure to sterilize them.)

since i am still up north and snow bound i have not been able to have my post-op appointment. it will be on january 13th when i am living back in the city. i am looking forward to getting the go ahead to start working out as i have accumulated some flab and lost a whole lot of muscle definition since the mastectomy in april. i am still a skinny mini, but i am missing my muscles - particularly the abs and firm butt;)

i went apartment hunting last week in the city and found a to die for 2 bedroom apartment right in my price range. i am so excited to be moving back to Hamilton. Nursing starts in only 2 weeks.

i am completely off the percosets (oxycodone). i am not in any pain. sometimes some stiffness and the odd twinge, but nothing that warrants any analgesics. i had strong worries about coming off of the oxy's as i had been taking them daily since april (that's almost 8 months), but decided to just go cold turkey. i had some withdrawal symptoms but mostly bearable. i had some pretty crazy night sweats for a week and some pretty major panic attacks, but i have suffered panic attacks since i was a teen and know how to over come them. i decided for me, it was best to get them out of my system right away because i want to be as alert and focused as possible for school. i think it is safe to say, that after a week and a half, they are mostly out of my system.

if however, you should find it difficult or find yourself dependent, it is important that you contact your plastic surgeon/prescribing physician so that he/she can provide a tapering program. opiate dependence is a real risk with this type of surgery and i have read about some woman on FORCE who needed extra care in coming off of them.

i am totally excited for the future. i think 2011 is going to be my year! happy new year everyone and thanks for following my blog.

76. 2 weeks post-op exchange pictures

2010-12-21T05:35:00.000-05:00

awesome! so most of the scabbing fell off in the shower yesterday. very happy about that. there is still a little bit of scabbing but i think this will hold on for awhile because the scabs are mushed in with the dissolvable stitches. or maybe they will also fall out soon too, because one of the scabs fell off with about an 1/8 of an inch of stitching attached to it.

i will make this short and sweet so you can check out the pictures. again, i am more than 100% satisfied and in my opinion healing perfectly.

also, a shout out to my amazing plastic surgeon - dr. ronen avram. he sometimes checks my blog out. i have all the pbm/exchange pictures from my blog (plus more) on a jump drive for you. merry christmas! see you in the new year.

anterior view of both breasts #1

anterior view of both breasts #2

anterior view of both breasts #3

right anterolateral view of both breasts

lateral view: right breast

left anterolateral view of both breasts

lateral view: left breast

close-up anterior view: right nipple and incision

close-up anterior view: left nipple and incision

75. resisting the urge to pick, but not flash!

2010-12-19T22:16:00.004-05:00

ahhhh. i am impatiently waiting for my (ewww, yuck) scabs to fall off. the urge is strong to want to help the process along, but nature MUST run its course if i want the best results possible for my scars. any messing around could make them worse, so i am leaving them alone.

the bottom halves of my nipples all scabbed over and it looks kind of creepy. fortunately, i am not freaked out as i know for others, this is par for the course.

my family had our christmas get together today. i was surprised when my aunt requested to see the new boobs in front of everyone and i ended up flashing pretty much my whole family. not then and there, but some one on one, and then near the end of the evening as people were leaving, i flashed a whole slew. they asked permission and i reassured them all that it was not creepy.

i think part of me flashing them was to reassure them that i am not marred. also, since there are so many females in my family, some of them may encounter a similar journey with their breasts and i wanted to show them that you can come out the other end still feeling and looking whole. all their responses were positive--some of them were in awe.

it will probably be another week or so before the scabs fall off, but everything still pretty much looks the same, so i won't be posting more pics until the scabs do fall off. i will still blog though, so stay tuned:)

74. post op exchange pictures

2010-12-13T23:49:00.003-05:00

i am so happy with my results so far. i feel like one of the lucky ones that says their outcomes from reconstruction is phenomenal. i always hoped for an amazing outcome, and i can't believe that i got it! and yet i can believe it, because i had such confidence in my plastic surgeon to do an amazing job!

you can see the potential in these photos despite the ugly drains (which are now out), scars, and bruising. i am so excited to see how the breasts will improve over the next few months as the healing and settling continues. in fact, these pics are already 4 days old, and there is already a remarkable improvement!!!

73. drains are out!

2010-12-12T14:40:00.002-05:00

i just had both of my drains removed! woo hoo! i feel free. it was a pain in the butt carting those things around. i should be able to shower tomorrow, but definitely by tuesday!

72. drains still in, and bored

2010-12-12T01:48:00.002-05:00

well, i am still stuck with these blasted drains. they are starting to get on my nerves now as my body is trying to heal around them. they are becoming quite itchy. i really have my fingers crossed that they will be pulled tomorrow...at least one of them.

since i have the drains, i am not allowed to shower...so...it's been 7 days since i've showered. yuck! i have been having below the belt baths to stay clean, and i got my hair washed at the salon the other day. can you believe it only costs $3.00 to get your hair washed at first choice hair salon? very awesome and they blew dried my hair and put it back up in a ponytail for me.

even though i haven't been able to shower, i have felt relatively clean this week. however, i have started sweating the last 24 hours and am getting sticky. ewww. i thought it would be a good solution to wipe my armpits down with baby wipes, but this isn't working as well as i hoped.

oh well. it will make the first shower all the more glorious...and probably blog worthy:)

i had a wonderful friend stay with me for a few day but he is gone now and i am starting to go bat crazy! I AM SO BORED. i don't really know what to do with myself. i've watched enough movies and tv shows...and i don't have an attention span to read very long. i've gone for a few walks. i guess i am really looking forward to the holiday festivities that are going to start happening next week to keep me occupied. i can only take so much of facebook. lol.

i suppose i will see if i can get out of the house in the next day or too, but i am still trying my best to stay healthy. no colds for me! maybe i will see if i can go over to my friend kim's house tomorrow and see if she can braid my hair.

signing off for now.
r

71. itchy and soreness

2010-12-09T01:09:00.002-05:00

as i've mentioned in earlier blog posts, i react to adhesives and band-aids so my surgeon had to do alternative dressings with minimal adhesives. instead, i have had non-stick dressings called bactigras over my wounds, but i have started reacting to that as well. also, the minimal type of ape that was still used yesterday ripped off another layer of skin today.

the consensus with the home care nurse and myself was to remove all the dressings and to let my wounds dry out over a few hours. i locked my kitties out of my room for a few hours and snoozed while they dried out. afterwards, i was able to put regular gauze dressings over the wounds and keep them in place with a bra. no more tapes to hold it all in place.

this has worked, but not soon enough to ward off the itchiness. my torso and back are really itchy and sort of driving me crazy.

on another note, muscles not cut during the surgery are very sore. i have been compensating with other muscle groups like the muscles in my neck and stomach to get myself into upright or reclining positions. these muscles are now very sore, adding to my discomfort.

i am able to go 8 hours between meds though. i am only doing this so i can have a bowel movement. the drugs are making me all bummed up and i feel gross. hopefully cutting down on the oxy's will help things move along. i went for a walk around the neighborhood too and took in the beautiful crisp winter air.

i think this blog post is a little disjointed and rambly. i think i have most of my bearings though. i have some easy things planned for tomorrow, like going to the salon and getting my hair washed, and running some errands.

i also have a friend staying with me till friday who is graciously cooking all my meals, taking me around town for errands, and providing entertainment and just general love and support. this recovery is so much better because of the extra care and attention compared to the initial pbm and i am so grateful.

70. sneak peak and bleeeegh.

2010-12-08T02:21:00.009-05:00

i was going to post the photos below earlier, but as i was uploading them to my computer, i got hit with a horrible wave of nausea. and then i yakked. blaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!! i got gravel into me shortly there after, and that cleared the nausea up, or the nausea just ran its course. i am pretty sure it was from the morphine i received yesterday, because i had a similar reaction to it during my pbm in april. i should be good to go now, and i was able to eat my dinner about 20 minutes later.

the home care nurse came by today and we changed up my dressings. much more tidier. i have a small amount of dressings held in place by a bit more tape, but the bra is doing most of the work. i am glad to be rid of the itchy stocking that was holding all the bandaging in place. i also had a small amount of tape holding it on too, and as we peeled it off, it took a layer or two of skin with it. ouch. i hate that i am so sensitive to adhesives and band-aides. hope this doesn't happen again tomorrow. so far, no water blisters are forming...which sometimes happen with the surgical tape.

here is how i am wrapped now. and look out for the surprise peak show below. i am already impressed with my results.

here is my mentor card with my serial numbers and size.

69. easy peasy

2010-12-07T12:22:00.010-05:00

yay!

exchange surgery was so easy.

i was able to have it done in Hamilton and still survive the 2 hour trip home immediately after. it was so good to get home and relax in my own bed and couch. i think i went to bed around 9:30pm, and was up and puttering around this morning at 6:30am...then a lovely nap at 8:15am...and up again at noon. such a great excuse to lounge and be lazy. in fact, doctors orders!

i am in more pain today than yesterday, but that is to be expected as the area the was flooded with marcaine is wearing off. still completely manageable. i just have to take it easy. the pain comes as little stabs through out but more so in the lower left breast.

here is a short can do/can't do list for yesterday and today:

Same Day Can Do:

open fridge
open doors (carefully, but can't hold them open for others. sorry guy at tim hortons with coffee in both hands)
make dinner (pre-packaged pizza from the freezer)
eat a normal size meal
do a small amount of dishes (2 plates, pans from the pizza and pizza cutter)
empty my own drains
play with my iPhone, facebook, check my gmail:) (you know you breezed through surgery when you are checking and posting on social media within 1 hour of being discharged from the hospital)

Same Day Can't Do:

urinate without straining (gosh i hate this one. so difficult to go pee. still is, but getting better)
be alone (doctors orders that i have care for the first 24 hours since i had day surgery. my awesome sister stayed with me for the night, and my Oma kept me company for a few hours too, before my sister was able to arrive from work)
my hair
scratch my back (i needed my back scratcher to reach)
get a good look at my foobs
keep my eyes open during a conversation past 9pm

Today's Can Do:

tie my hair up in a ponytail
scratch my back and shoulders without using the back scratcher
enjoy looking out the window at all the snow we've gotten
enjoy the company of my kitties
sleep, sleep, sleep

Today's Can't Do:

bowel movement (it's been 2 days.)
play with the kitties (they like to play fetch. no can do.)
stand up quickly (i am still light headed from the anesthetic)
bathe (i won't be able to bathe or shower until at least 24 hours after my last drain pull. i might plan a trip to the hair salon at the end of the week to get my hair washed, and i can still have shallow sitting baths. i just have to make sure i don't get the incision or drain sites wet. these instructions vary from surgeon to surgeon.)
put a loose t-shirt on over my head

in addition to the pain, i am really, really itchy. grrrr. i react to tapes and latex so i almost have a tape/adhesive free bandage that is held in place with a truck type sock. it is mesh and i just step into it like a tube top. however, this meshy tube top is super itchy too and i can't stop scratching my back and stomach. hopefully, it can go today when the home care nurse comes, and she can do some light bandaging that can be held into place with my post surgical bra.

i got my mentor card upon discharge. i had to go to the mentor site to see what the codes look like, but if i am correct these are the sizes of my implants:

left: 350 11,7 4,9 324-4350 RSZ-3504 (350 cc's in the left)
right: 400 12,3 5,1 324-4400 RSZ-4004 (400 cc's in the right)
This is normal to have 2 different sizes in each breast. It's about appearances. In the bigger picture, 50 cc's is not that much of a difference.

i'll share a couple of pics now of my bandaging, and some of my kitties and the snowfall we've received in the last 3 days. i feel so toasty warm in my apartment and enjoy looking out the window to see the snow blowing and collecting on the trees.

day after exchange.

really enjoying the loving company of my fur-family. this is lucy.

and this is my oliver. he's the funniest cat i've ever had.

oliver might be the funniest cat i've every had, but lucy is clearly the prettiest cat i have ever had.

oliver going in for the big stretch.

oliver sticking his tongue out at me. cute.

oliver and lucy checking out the snow falling in the backyard.

hooray for snow! i love a good snowstorm. it's been snowing since sunday.

i think i will go and lie down again for another nap. the pain killers are making me sleepy.

68. Guest blogger: Angela from BRCAn't Stop Me from Living

2010-12-04T17:54:00.005-05:00

Angela is a fellow blogger from New Mexico, USA. Her story is so similar to mine, that often when I am reading her blog posts, it's as if she is blogging my very own thoughts. Our journey with PBM - expansion - to exchange surgery is also timed very closely, and it has been so helpful to read her journey and know what I am experiencing is all normal.

Thanks Angela, for allowing me to share your thoughts on my blog!

On to her guest post:

What Foobs Have Done for Me

Since having my breasts removed, and having what I term "foobs" upon my chest, a lot of things have changed in my life...There are the obvious, and then there are the weird......Let me explain....

THE OBVIOUS
1.First and foremost, no longer having boobs has literally saved my life...Who knows.....If I still had my god-given breasts right now, those cysts and "benign" densities that I had in my breasts could be forming into cancer...Considering that my mom was only 32 when she discovered her breast cancer, who is not to say that it could have happened to me as well? My boobs are gone, and I don't have to worry about breast cancer any longer.....Take THAT, breast cancer!

THE WEIRD
1. How many people, without going through this type of situation, make a blog completely devoted to their boobs? Uh, like none....I started this blog to vent, to be able to educate others, and to make light of the situation, but still...It is all pretty much about my boobs/foobs....I think that is kind of weird. But it works, and it helps others, so whatever...

2. Before going through surgery to have my breasts removed and crap, there is no way in hell that I would have ever posted pictures of my boobs on the internet for all to look at and stare at and share with their friends.......But because I have no breasts now, and I want people to see what the whole process of mastectomies to expanders to filling looks like, I post pictures.....Weird....I guess I've no real attachment to these foobs like I did to my real breasts of the past, and that's why I can post pictures of them all over the internet for people to look at....(And probably laugh at...) And yes, there will be lots more with my next surgery coming up in a week...STAY TUNED!!! (I'm advertising pictures of my foobs....I'm a freak.)

3. I have flashed my new boobs to so many people, I can't even remember who all has seen them.....People I work with, friends, friends of friends, friends boyfriends (with their approval, and because they asked....), family, etc......Now don't misunderstand me, I don't go around in a drunken state of mind flashing my weird looking boobs....NO.......That would be beyond weird....But like at work......You've got to understand...I'm a nurse...I work with other nurses.....Seeing things like funky looking foobs is nothing for us.. And for a lot of them, they've never seen reconstructed breasts with tissue expanders, so I am totally open to showing them, and explaining the whole process of surgery/the fills, etc.....I think just about all of my close friends have seen my foobs....By request..(And for crying out loud, I'm not shy, I post pics of them on the internet!)

I know I don't flash my butt, but I saw this, and thought it was hilarious...

4. Along with letting people oogle over my new foobs visually, to let them get the whole experience, I'll let them feel me up....You know how I'm always saying "These damn tissue expanders are like rocks, blah, blah, blah..." Well, you don't really understand (and even then, you don't completely), until you feel them with your own two hands..So in order to do that, I will allow you to touch my boob or boobs.....I don' t feel any of it, so it's not like you are violating me, and I give you permission to do so.....And even if I didn't give you permission and you touched them without me looking, I wouldn't be able to feel it, so I probably would never know....But yea....So many random people have touched my foobs and then say, "OH MY GOD! THOSE ARE LIKE SOLID STEEL!" Yeah.....Told ya. I am not lying...Not in the least bit.

5. My hands are always on my foobs....Always....It's either because they hurt and I am trying to manipulate one of the expanders to get out of my ribcage, or trying to push my left expander down to be even with the other side (orders from my plastic surgeon) or something......Or it's because the nerves are trying to regenerate and they itch and burn internally, but I can do absolutely nothing about it.....So I feel myself up....(Or it looks like that)...I'm sure my friends at work are used to seeing me always fondling my foobs, but at other places....Yea...Not so much.....And I need to be a little bit more aware of when I am fondling my breast area....

I guess what it boils down to is that I have completely disconnected myself with my breasts.How could I not..Breast cancer killed my mom...Killed her aunt....Has killed so many other great women..And when I found out that I was BRCA2+ and that I already had shit going on in my breasts, I hated my breasts so much ..I had them removed....And now, I have fake breasts upon my chest....And they may not be real, but my experiences are real and my past is real, and that is what makes us continue to grow in our journeys...As weird as it may be to you, but to me, it is real, just as real fake as these breasts are on my chest.

http://angelaslaten.blogspot.com/

67. pre-op

2010-11-24T18:03:00.003-05:00

i had pre-op this past monday. my surgeon ordered some extra things i wasn't expecting like an ECG and chest x-ray.

i guess the x-ray tech didn't really read the requisition for the x-ray because when she took the shot she said, "what the heck". lol. i laughed, then told her i had expanders in my breasts. she then said, "ooooooh". afterwards, she let me see the front and side profiles of my chest x-ray and it looked pretty funny.

i find this time around with stage 2 surgery, i am not freaked out at all. in fact, i am barely thinking about the date approaching. i only just checked now to see how many days away i am from exchange and it is only 12 days. the fear of cancer is gone since the first surgery and this wait all seems like a walk in the park in comparison.

i also returned home today after spending 11 days in the city. it was so great to get away and really helped boost my mood. it was a bit of a whirlwind with stuff to do everyday. it is nice to get back home to my kitties, but i find i am already homesick for the city again. it's where i want to be.

i'll be returning to the city again on dec. 2 so i can write my biology exam, and stay the rest of the weekend because my surgery will be on the 6th. i will miss my cats again, but next time i return to hamilton, it will be to move there...and my cats will be coming with me. january can't come soon enough:)

66. good to get away.

2010-11-17T23:51:00.002-05:00

my mood is so much better these past few days.

i decided to get away from my environment...my depressing, depressing environment, and spend a week and a half in hamilton...the place i will be attending school and my home town.

my best friend and her boyfriend have been very gracious in letting me stay the week and half at their place and have a spare room. the bed is so comfortable, along with their pillows, and i find i am sleeping more comfortable here than in my own bed at home.

many things are coming to a head this week and in the next coming months and i am so looking forward to getting major issues in my life dealt with. some of these trials have been going on for the past 2 years like the decision to have a pbm.

court is in 2 days, and today i met with the crown who is representing me and he is confident that he can arrange a peace bond for both myself and the person who assaulted me. i have very mixed emotions about this because it means he gets off scott free for what he did to me, but i am just at a point in my life where i no longer want to deal with it, and need to move forward so i can continue with my plans for college. i know it's not fair to me that he gets barely any consequences for his brutal actions, but i am putting all my faith in God with this, and the guy who assaulted me can answer to God.

i am overwhelmed with everything happening all at once, but i am doing my best to look to the future when these things will be resolved and i can focus on my schooling and future career as a nurse. as things are ticked of the list and dealt with, i know i will begin to feel lighter.

despite this week being a challenge, my best friend and i visited the college campus for a tour, have done some geocaching and shopping. i am so excited for the future. excited for my new boobs. excited for school. excited to be back home with close friends and family. excited for so many possibilities!

this get away has been so good for me and is just a taste of how life will be in a few months when i am back home:)

65. exchange surgery scheduled! december 6, 2010

2010-11-12T00:08:00.002-05:00

i got word today that my exchange surgery is scheduled. december 6th at 8 am. i have to report 2 hours early so i will be at the hospital for 6 am. holy cow. good thing i will get to sleep the day away.

i am so fricking excited! pre-op is on november 22.

that's all.

:P

64. a bit better

2010-11-09T02:39:00.002-05:00

thanks for all the kind words and encouragement.

i am feeling a bit better than the past few weeks. i hope it is here to stay. sorry to worry everyone, but i was worried myself.

xoxo

63. life is kicking me in the ass

2010-11-06T17:43:00.002-04:00

my situation is so bad at the moment. i'm not one for whining and crying, but a hard look at my reality even has me shocked. i don't even know what is worse at this point.

i am sure some of this is tmi and some people i know (people i have cut out from my life for their unsupportiveness...if you are reading this you can leave now) (oh and the people that say i am to blame for all my troubles...you can leave now too and go eff yourself) would roll their eyes at me.

but here is how it is...

i am not getting by financially. i am so broke that it is heartbreaking. i am on financial assistance and i have a job to try and make ends meet and my grandparents graciously give me a $100 each month, but with that combined i am lucky if it equals to $850.00 a month. my expenses out way this and i have been having to cut corners or prioritize my bills and it is all getting me down. last month, my jerk ass landlords issued me with an eviction notice because i was 3 days late with the rent. they also know my situation!

the thought of getting away on a holiday brings me to tears because this is not even a possibility for me but it is so what i need. i got all the paperwork for my passport just in case, and realized that i have to get a new citizenship card because mine is missing. the citizenship card can take up to a year to get.

lately, i have to deal with a whole court matter coming up in the next few weeks that has been ongoing since last september 2009. i have been subpoena'd as a witness in an assault case...except the clincher is i am the victim. yes, while i was going through all of this breast cancer shit and scheduling the removal of my pre-malignant breast tissue, my boss /landlord decided it would be cool to beat the shit out of me...while i was driving. he claimed i had an attitude problem and didn't like the tone of my voice. (i am pretty sure my mood was attributed to the loss of my lady parts, and not that that matters, because i recall the conversation we were having and i was very respectful in offering advice on a client.)

to add insult to injury, (and you can read more about the details of the assault in one of my first posts), he claimed i started it and hit him first. forensics and defense wounds show that i was pushing him off of me when he grabbed my arm (nice big bruise with his nail scratches all the way down my arm) to try and regain control of the vehicle (and in the process i accidentally nicked his chin...the only mark on him) but because it was my word against his, and the police department was a complete failure (right down to not providing me with medical care i needed after the assault, i had a head concussion and ligament damage to my shoulder, and the bridge of my nose was split open), they instead charged me and threw me in jail...even though there was a witness to the event.

i don't know which hurts worse, being betrayed by my employer/landlord of 1.5 years or by the police for treating me like a criminal when in fact i was a victim. anyone who knows the situation and has read the statements of all involved just shake their heads and balk at the idea that i was ever even remotely blamed for what happened.

as many of you know, it is my dream to go to college and major in nursing. that dream came true after much hard work by receiving an acceptance letter this past september to mohawk college in my home town. i was ecstatic with the new prospects of my future and returning 'home'...a place i had to flee after the assault.

my dreams have now been marred when my funding requested i provide a criminal record check before they considered approving me for tuition and living expenses. i figured it would be no big deal. i am not guilty of a criminal offense. however, the charges show up on the report (so much for innocent until proven guilty) and it is putting a halt to all my plans. in addition, i need this criminal check for school.

so all my joy has been shattered and i don't know what to do. i feel like i don't have a future. i try not to get carried away on this pattern of thinking but it so hard to do when so much is against me. i am trying to put on a strong face as much as possible, and i am still moving forward towards school with the hopes that the court stuff can all be resolved before that and that i will still get approved for funding but i won't lie to you that i am experiencing suicidal thoughts and intense anxiety.

all of this has led to a pretty dark depression. to be honest, i haven't left the house for 3 days or even bathed for that matter. i feel like i am stuck in limbo just waiting for the day for something to go my way.

as you can see by my finances, it's not like i can afford a lawyer to help me out. i can’t get another job to help pay for one because if i do, it will put me in a higher income bracket and i will no longer qualify for my school funding. i did seek out a lawyer this past summer when i had a bit of money and was able to give her $600 but i still owe her $400 to be able to render her services. it's so not fair because the guy that assaulted me makes a $100,000/ year and my fear is that he will be able to buy his way out of his charges with a good lawyer and make me look bad.

i do want to note though, that HE HAS done this before and been to jail and the reason i was working for him in the first place was because he had a DUI and lost his license. (another reason to add insult to injury with the police even remotely suspecting i had anything to do with the assault.)

this coming monday is a big day too. i will be traveling with my grandmother to get her results for her brca testing. she is the first one to test in our family. although the court stuff mostly dominates my thoughts, i am plagued with anxiety whenever i think of the outcome should we be positive. i will post separately on this topic when we find out our results.

anyways, this is my rant. i don't know if i was strong these past months keeping this all in while going through my reconstruction or not. maybe i appear weak and pathetic now. oh well. life can't get much worse and if you think negatively of me now it couldn't get me any more in the dumps then i already am.

and maybe this would all be more easier to deal with if i didn't have these rock hard boulders still in my chest.

to be fair, i do have some positives in my life. i do my best to focus on them to get me through. i am not all doom and gloom. please don't send me messages telling me to look on the bright side. i am already looking and leaning on God for strength and comfort. i just needed to rant. i also think antidepressants are in order when i see my family physician November 22nd. like that will solve my money problems, but hey...anything that helps.

62. nearing 7 months post-op and 1.5 months since last fill

2010-11-04T17:59:00.002-04:00

hey everyone. did you have a good hallowe'en? i did nothing for hallowe'en other than make that gorey picture in my last blog post. it was fun and creeped a lot of people out on my facebook:)

it is almost 7 months since my mastectomy. reconstruction is done and i am eagerly checking my mailbox every day for that letter that tells me my pre-op and exchange surgery is schedule. i really hope it is before christmas. that would be the best christmas present ever!

i took a looooong time to start feeling ok after my last and final fill this past sept. 29th. it was a real struggle and i thought the pain was never going to let up. but it has. i still notice tightness through out the day and a mild twinge of pain all the time but it is hundreds of times better than about 3 weeks ago.

the most pain is at night when i am trying to sleep. it feels like i have a ton of bricks on my chest when i lie on my back. switching from side to side is agonizing and i make many grunts, groans, yelps, cries of pain in the middle of the night as i switch positions. when i roll over to a different position, i cup my foobs with each hand as it eases the pain ever so slightly. i can't explain why this is so painful other than maybe it is the saline in the expanders shifting causing the shape to change which affects the muscles and all the nerve endings.

lets talk about dead skin. noooooo...not necrotic skin, but the body's natural way of sloughing off dead skin. it seems that my foobs have an excess of dead skin and because of this, my foobs and chest area are breaking out! yuck! it's not too pretty to say the least.

i try to keep up with exfoliating and moisturizing but it seems to be getting the better of me. i wonder if this is because the skin is being stretched and growing additional epithelial cells (skin cells) to keep up. lol. look at me. putting my biology vocabulary to work!

i so can't wait till exchange. did i mention that. i am looking forward to the day when i can re-build my strength back up. and my fitness level too. i have been mostly sedentary for the past 7 months and it is really getting to me. there is no sense building my muscles up right now when i still have these rock hard boulders in my chest and a second surgery would undo all of it anyways. also, i think i am still restricted from doing those types of activities.

i guess that is all for now. this doesn't seem like my average blog post, but rather a rambling, but hopefully you found some of it useful.

:)

61. zombie boob land. happy halloween.

2010-10-28T20:39:00.004-04:00

some days, this is how i feel. lol. at least, this is how my foobs feel some days.

60. boobs. boobies. foobs. foobies. breasts. breasts. breasts. this. is. a. test!

2010-10-22T02:10:00.013-04:00

i thought i would be strategic about my blog title to see if i can generate extra hits by using specific boob words. michele, over at courage is my strength says that she gets a significant increase in traffic when she uses boobs in her blog title.

i have been following the scar project on facebook and have been completely touched in profound ways with the photography of david jay. many of the photos have brought tears to my eyes and drawn out emotions i did not know existed. i have also been given this sense of empowerment through the photos. his photos are another reminder that i am not alone.

i was feeling envious the other day, wishing i could be part of the scar project when i spontaneously decided to do a self shoot. i have been feeling extremely self conscious of the way my foobs look now since my final fill this past sept. 29th, but wanted to change that perception and embrace my journey. this struggle and rock hard foobs won't last forever and i wanted to take pictures to honor this time and to be able to reflect on it when it becomes the past and far distant memory.

i would like to share some of my favourite shots that i took.

if you are wondering how the photos were taken, i started by placing my camera on a tripod and changing the settings to shoot a picture on a 10 second timer. i turned on my bedroom light and brought in 2 additional lamps - one for each side of the bed. i also pinned up a white sheet on the wall behind me.

i would like to do another shoot sometime where a friend is shooting so we can pay closer attention to composition, poses, and facial expressions. it was hard having to press the shutter release button, get back on the bed, think of a pose, do the pose, and get a good facial expression all in 10 seconds.

i hope you enjoy the pictures. they are meant to be artsy and not pornographic or sleazy.

the last picture is my absolute favourite.

59. post pbm exercise

2010-10-19T21:43:00.013-04:00

i meant to share these a long time ago, but that involved getting my ass up off the couch and scanning them in.

i wanted to share what my breast surgeon gave me as post mastectomy exercises. they won't apply to everyone and you need to check with your surgeon before you do these. some of you have had necrotic tissue from your surgeries, and these exercises may be a big no, no.

in posting these i want to state that i take no responsibility if you incur injury or complication due to doing these exercises. CHECK WITH YOUR SURGEON FIRST!

ok, now that all the legal stuff is out of the way, i want to say that i did my exercises everyday except once until i got full range back after about a month or so. the one day that i did not do the exercises, i just laid around and slept. i felt like complete shit the next day and extra sore and tight...so for me, these were key in my recovery.

i am also sharing the exercises i was given that i was to start doing immediately following surgery. they are to help prevent blood clots after surgery.

you can click on each image below to enlarge.

58. working on another blog post

2010-10-15T20:17:00.002-04:00

but for now i thought i would share some disappointing news...

i am disappointed that my fridge magnets do not stick to my ports on my expanders. that could have made for some fun times and interesting conversations :P

57. you've come a long way, baby!

2010-10-07T20:20:00.004-04:00

thought i would show you the progression of fills from

before surgery - healing - expansions

i had 7 official fills, but started off with a pre-fill from surgery. i think it is pretty cool to see the changes over time. this was a 5.5 month process. hard to believe!!!

[click to enlarge]

and here is the above in colour. i like the b&w better because it doesn't show the nuances in colour change. so hard to match up lighting over a 6 month period.

[click to enlarge]

56. finally

2010-10-05T22:22:00.002-04:00

our family finally has an appointment to get my grandmother's brca testing results. it has taken almost 2 years. i am slightly bitter to say the least. the appointment date is november 8, 2010 at 3pm.

it is part of my doing that this has finally come to fruition. i poked and prodded my genetics counselor to get in contact with my grandmother's genetic counselor at a different clinic to see what the heck was going on. i also did this 6 months ago with no avail, but i was very firm and expressed my frustration with how the system was here in canada this time and that i think it has been unacceptable how things have been processed. i did this of course, with respect.

as for me. it is taking a lot longer to bounce back from my last fill. i think massive nerve regeneration is going on with my nipples and the pain has become almost unbearable. the narcs have been helping a lot, but i don't want to have to rely on them so i sometimes try not to take them, and then i am completely miserable.

even soaking in the bath and the movement of water has been excruciating. don't even get me started on clothing. today seems to be a bit of a turning point. i feel like the pain has lifted a little and i am wondering if it is because i had an epic sleep last night and slept most of the day. i didn't really give my body the recoup time it needed over the weekend with proper rest, so i am doing that now.

i am able to sleep on my sides again, however, changing from one side to the other is very painful and of course the meds wear off in the middle of the night.

i keep trying to putter away and be as positive as much as possible. it is really hard...and it is really hard knowing i am being a downer...but, when people ask how i am doing, am i suppose to lie? i'm not really good at faking. i am glad i have my grandparents to confide in.

55. fill #7 photos - 5.5 months post-op

2010-10-01T00:20:00.014-04:00

i had my last fill this yesterday. can we say OUCH! things look completely freakish now and i don't know whether i should laugh or cry. how about a little bit of both.

i've been taking pain meds around the clock and i am pretty zoned out. hopefully things will settle down in the next few days so i don't need to take them regularly.

i may be waiting for exchange longer than i had hoped. if it ends up conflicting with school, i may have to wait until march (reading week) to schedule surgery. i can't believe i might have to deal with these coconuts for possibly another 6 months.

my can do/can't do is pretty much the same as last time, except that at the moment i can only sleep on my back because it is painful to sleep on my sides. i can really feel that the skin is being stretched to the max.

here are the pics. again, this will not be the final result and i am over-filled 100 cc's from what my final size will be. probably 350 cc's or if possible, 375 cc's implants.

Left Side: 440 cc's
Right side: 460 cc's

54. at a loss and sooo done.

2010-09-26T20:39:00.005-04:00

the past few days have been very emotional as i mourn the loss of my beloved pet Gunther. he was put to rest on Thursday and buried later that evening. it was a heart breaking time, but i am so grateful he was able to go in peace at home with me holding him. he also had a beautiful burial (just me and him) under a maple tree at my friend Kristen's farm. as i recall these events i am overcome with sadness and tears.

this coming wednesday is the first annual national previvor day. although i am not sure that it completely applies to me, i find it fitting that i will be having my last expansion on the same day. that is cause for celebration!

i find myself looking forward more and more to my expander-swap out-to-final-implants surgery. i am soooo done with reconstruction.

soooo done!

53. sick

2010-09-20T00:16:00.011-04:00

i have a wicked head cold.

i've set up camp in my living room and semi-permanently planted myself in front of my laptop which also moonlights as my television. today has been completely unproductive since i have spent the entire day watching season 5 of nip/tuck.

i don't know if i am a big baby or just forget how crummy surgery recovery was, but this feels way worse than when i was recovering from my mastectomy (minus the c-diff experience). my entire body hurts-my skin and bones hurt and my face feels like it is going to explode from the sinus congestion.

hopefully, i will feel better soon. it is inevitable of course. i just want to get back to my school work and writing my intro to a book i am doing with Dr. Jonathan Herman and Teri, but this cold has made me completely unambitious.

on another note, i have had to make the agonizing decision to put my beloved pet Gunther down. it will most likely be in the next week or so when i can afford to have him put down humanely in my home. Gunther is my 14 year old feline. he was diagnosed with diabetes about 3 years ago and has been insulin dependent ever since. he requires an injection of insulin once in the morning and once in the evening.

in the past 6 months he has gone down hill, and become mostly blind. this past week had been tough as it seems he is losing more and more function over his bodily functions, so it appears his kidneys are starting to give up the fight.

i am sure this is going to be a really difficult time for me to let him go and grieve his absence. he's been a good friend for a long time and cuddled with me through all of the changes in my life and the trials. we had a scare a few years ago, right around the time i was going for my first biopsy and i cried and cuddled with him and told him that he had to be around to comfort me through the cancer scares. after 2 weeks of syringe feedings and getting him regulated again with the insulin he graciously stuck around for 2 1/2 more years. what a trooper to be there for me. i gonna miss him so much.

52. fill #6 photos - 5 months post-op

2010-09-11T00:24:00.012-04:00

everything can change in an instant!

i just got accepted to college today!!! i totally wasn't expecting it. i am still working on upgrading biology and i figured i had missed the cut off date for my grades to be in, but apparently, my average is already good enough. i am totally ecstatic! it also feels a little surreal, and like a miracle just happened. i really didn't expect to be going to school so soon...i thought i was going to have to reapply for september 2011. now, i will be going this january 2011!!! i am taking nursing.

i will also be moving back to my home city! i am so excited. i miss living in the city and my friends...and also a lot of the great people i was just cultivating friendships with. i am so excited to see these new friendships have a chance to blossom. i am so excited to surround myself with positive people who are encouraging and have their 'shit' together. i feel that i am at an exciting point in my life and it is taking shape and direction.

this is such a drastic change from my last couple of posts. i was feeling really down with my situation...being stuck 'up north' in back country with minimal interaction with people. the friendships i did try to make turned sour and were a real let down. i am glad for some great opportunities that i did experience up here though. it wasn't all bad. i really got to connect with family here and realized that they are really loving and supporting. i also met some great families with even greater children and it was such a joy to be able to tend to the children by babysitting them. this really reinforced something i had forgotten: i really love children!!! i, now more than ever, hope i get the chance to have one or two children one day.

this past tuesday, i had a fill. fill #6. i bit the bullet and said to myself that i would try to go for 60 cc's in each foob. i did. it has been extremely painful and for the first day, i had to take percoset every four hours around the clock. i am taking them now, intermittently, and always at night before i go to bed. i didn't take any all day today, but have still been in a lot of pain. however, i was still able to fix my grandmother's computer, go to the dollar store, and have dinner with my sister. so i am still able to function.

here are the stats with the 60 cc's added to both sides:

Left Side: 400 cc's
Right side: 420 cc's

so next fill i will only need 40 cc's in each side because this past fill was the first part of the 100 cc overfill. only one fill left to go, then i get the expanders swapped out for the final implant. phew. i am so looking forward to this.

can do:
as i am more fully expanded i am experiencing more pain, depression, an anxiety. this is normal. i mentioned it to my plastic surgeon and he said this is typical with his patients. i already assumed this too, but i wanted him to be aware of what i was experiencing.

still sleep on my sides
run regular errands
drive a car
still experience a regular libido
be intimate with my partner

can't do:

sleep on my stomach.
hug. this has become extremely uncomfortable. people now notice how 'hard' my chest is. i hugged my sister and she was super surprised...we did have a laugh about it though.
pick up kids. i will be babysitting in the morning and if i am feeling the same level of pain i am now, i will not be able to pick the youngest one up. we'll still have lots of fun though!
roll over in bed from one side to the other side with out pain. actually, it is quite excruciating changing positions in bed. and getting up from the couch. dressing into clothes isn't a problem though.

so where am i pain wise:
i will demonstrate some of it in pictures...but right now, i feel like i have permanent bruising in my armpits going down to my ribs...but there are no bruises there. the skin hurts to touch.

my skin is so tight, that my nipples feel like they are going to rip open at any moment. of course they look just fine so i know this won't happen but they are probably what hurt the most right now. i know this sucks, but the fact that i can feel my nipples is perhaps a good thing. it means nerve regeneration and possible return of sensation.

the expanders are so 'rock hard' now that when i am sitting they rest on my rib cage, dig in, and leave read marks on my skin as if i were wearing a bra.

i feel like i have indigestion because of the pressure on my lungs. deep breathes aggravate the sensation.

my back also hurts because of how the muscles in front are being stretched and pulled.

on with the pics...

things are starting to look a little funny with the expanders. less and less symmetry. this is completely normal and will not be the final result.

notice the red marks the expanders leave on my skin. it looks like i was wearing a bra, when in fact, i don't wear bras anymore. just tank tops.
i like the projection. you can barely see the scar from the drain now. they are both fading nicely.

the area in red is wear the skin feels like it is bruised. it is tender to the touch. i have been experiencing this since my last fill.

as you can see the incision directly in the areola are healing up nicely. you almost cannot see them. the scarring that is more prominent will be minimized during the second surgery and will hopefully be just as thin as the areola incisions.

51. a sea of shitty emotions

2010-09-04T22:38:00.003-04:00

i feel like shit. emotionally.

i am so bummed out and spend many nights crying. life just sucks. i have so many god damn emotions and thoughts i am dealing with.

lets be frank. dealing with pbm and reconstruction ALONE is really fucking hard. and no, i won't apologize for the language. i need it for the emphasis. i feel so alone. and really, I AM ALONE. there are some days i seethe with jealousy at the support that so many women have while going through this and it brings me to despair. and then the flood gates come.

i am not angry that people are so blessed, but it leaves me wondering 'what the hell is wrong with me' to not have someone solid by my side, supporting me and encouraging me along life's path. and not just this surgery/reconstruction path, but through out my other endeavors. i know we are suppose to make choices for ourselves, but when there is no one else to share those choices, joys, and lows with, life just seems so pointless. so empty.

i can't even find the words to adequately convey what i am feeling. i have never been one to be good with words.

i feel like i am stuck in a rut. not sure if there is a way out of it where i am living right now. life is so boring living in a small town. everyone is either married, or from what i can see, drinks too much, or is trashy. i don't know how on earth i am suppose to meet anyone living up here. this is such a depressing thought. i am so sick of being alone. how the hell do you cope with that? it's not like i 'can get myself out there." there is no 'out there' up here.

meh. i am feeling further alienated by terminology from my online support group and the links that are shared. i hate that so much of this is connected to the brca gene. you hear the word previvor, and then it is soon followed by brca mutation. how am i suppose to connect with that world when i don't have a known mutation. or at least i don't think i do. it makes me feel that i am in a box all my own and navigating this all on my own. i cannot completely relate with other women going through this. i don't feel like i am part of their 'sisterhood'. in fact, i feel like a total outcast...sometimes, even from society. also, i seem to be the only 'single girl' from my interactions with the other ladies.

hopefully, tuesday will cheer me up a little bit. i have a scheduled fill. i am hoping to tolerate 60 cc's and will be spending time in the city overnight at my best friend's place. i haven't seen her for a few months and i miss her so much...to the point that i go numb because it is so hard to miss someone.

i am physically achy.sore on a consistent basis, so i am not expecting the pain to get any easier to deal with. in fact, i am sure it is about to get worse...so mixed emotions about tuesday. i am also driving to and from the appointment on my own and i am hoping this is not going to be a big mistake as i usually have my friend greg or my grandparents take me to these appointments and do all the driving.

50. the end of the world - but not really.

2010-08-25T15:07:00.004-04:00

my expansion for today got canceled. i knew it, as soon as i heard my phone ring. i have distinctive ring tones. i got the call on monday.

i was really looking forward to this expansion because it meant i was one expansion away from being done.

it felt like the end of the world, and i cried. i am so sick of this foreign feeling in my body.

it. sucks. 24. hours. a. day.

i am in pain all the time. not extreme pain. but constant dull pain all the time. for the most part i can deal with it, but sometimes it really gets me down. the pain makes me flake out mentally. i feel vacant and numb when trying to interact with people and also stuck in my head.

however, it is not the end of the world. i know this. it is only overwhelming for a while, but life resumes soon after, and i learn to deal. i only have to wait another 2 weeks until september 7th for my next scheduled appointment.

i requested that surgery be tentatively scheduled. however, with this delay i won't be going to college in january anymore. i will have to wait till september 2011. i think i am ok with this. i don't want to rush my recovery and i don't want to be all goofy trying to focus on school while on pain killers.

i am a little worried about cold and flu season. fall is fast approaching, and the leaves have started to change. i don't know what it means if i get sick. i am worried that any type of infection could go to my expanders, causing my body to reject them. i don't want to have to do this expansion process again. i think that is my greatest fear right now. it is also not an irrational fear.

my focus for the next couple of months will be to eat as healthily as possible. i am really cutting out the meat lately...i've had some here and there due to family bbq's and such, but each time, the meat consumption has taken its toll.

as for the no shampooing, it has been 3 weeks!!! i almost caved and hit the bottle again because i hit a bit of a gross patch a few days ago. my hair started smelling like vinegar from the vinegar rinses so i stop using that and tried to go with just rinsing my hair for a week - no baking soda/no vinegar. near the end of the week my hair was getting yucky so i tried remedying it by using dr. bronner's pure castile soap with lavender and hemp (i use this for my body). it did nothing to eliminate the vinegar smell and i began to have a gross sebum build up on my hair which you could see. i nearly threw my hands up and almost purchased new shampoo and conditioner, but consulted my best friend elaine for advice first, since she is a week ahead of me and her hair is looking pretty fantastic in pictures.

elaine gave me advice that so far is working. she said i needed to "scrub" my hair more with the baking soda and get it through all of my hair. she then said, instead of rinsing with vinegar, use lemon juice instead. this seems to be the perfect combination now. rinsing with the lemon juice made my hair feel so silky soft and it left a nice scent behind and eliminated the vinegar smell. scrubbing with the baking soda has also eliminated the gross build up and my hair is clean now to the nose, sight and touch.

49. hurt

2010-08-15T20:13:00.004-04:00

i've rewritten this post twice already and deleted it.

i'll just say that i have been hurting (emotionally) pretty badly the past few days. i am very grateful to my friend Kristen for listening to me tonight while i shared my inner most thoughts and pain. she is a ray of sunshine and has always been able to pick me up with her words, wise observations and encouragement.

also, teri, i know you are going to read this at some point. i am thinking about you so much and am praying for you. i don't want you to have to be fearful or burdened. please take care of yourself, and take an internet break if you have too so you can recover.

48. minor depression, thoughts, and my can do, can't do list

2010-08-10T23:20:00.005-04:00

i've been doing really great mood wise, but out of the blue i was hit with some depression. i was bummed out all weekend. having experienced depression most of my life i am quite familiar when i am in a funk. it really sucks. i worry if i will get out of it. thankfully, most of it has lifted but i find myself still sensitive and a little overly emotional about things. but perhaps, that is normal based on some of the circumstances i am experiencing.

i find myself looking ahead to exchange surgery. i am also fearful. not of the surgery, but of not liking the final outcome. i have known at least 3 women who have had their exchange and been very unsatisfied.

i want to make sure that i communicate to the p.s. that i am really happy with the look and projection of my expanders now. i don't mind that they look a bit fake. well...a bit...i do want to get a bit more naturalness to them, but i think that will happen with the over-expansion.

i experienced quite a bit of discomfort and pain from the last expansion. it lasted about a week and a half and i coped with the pain by just dealing with it during the day. at night i needed to take a perc/oxy to help me sleep comfortably. i am mostly pain free now and haven't needed anything for pain since last wednesday.

i just realized yesterday, i am almost 4 months post-op. i was remarking to my surgery buddy - megan, that it feels like it was forever ago, and at other times it feels like it was just yesterday. it is all very surreal. i still don't think my mind has fully comprehended what it has gone through both physically and emotionally. i do find however, that i am better able to articulate my experience and what i was going through pre-surgery better, now that i do not feel that my life is threatened anymore.

i can also relate with another blogger's feelings about how we blame ourselves for the ordeals of going through surgery, complications, and pain. there is a guilt i feel when i had the collapsed lung and c-diff, that it was my fault, because "i chose" the surgery. but then i have to gently remind myself, that i didn't have any other option because at any moment cancer could chose me and i would have to do the surgery anyways with most likely not optimal results.

and that leads me to another bizarre thought pattern. i feel guilty that my reconstruction is fantastic. i am deeply grateful and my biggest fear going into this was my body would react in a negative way and reject the expanders or implants. (this is still a possibility). i feel it is not fair to the women that do not get a say in their choice of reconstruction because they have been diagnosed with cancer and end up not having the luxury of having the type of reconstruction i have had - that being the nipple sparing mastectomy with minimal scarring.

i would be interested in hearing feedback from other women who have had reconstruction about your thoughts on this. do you feel guilty over having a choice on your reconstruction? or, do you feel anger or jealously over someone else's reconstruction because you either had a poor outcome or no say in they type of reconstruction you were offered? or, do you have mixed feelings because you have been diagnosed with cancer, and didn't get to choose?

i haven't left a list of can and can't do since my last fill so here goes:

can do:

swim, although not as strongly as last "can do" list - i've lost a bit of my strength
pick up children - although it was difficult after the last fill for the first week and a half
i can still sleep on my sides...albeit it is starting to get a little bit uncomfortable with the increase in size

can't do:

sleep on my stomach. i tried this morning but it was completely uncomfortable and unnatural
hug very hard. my chest is getting really tight and it is uncomfortable to have that much pressure on my chest
*tear - i can't get completely cozy with the little kids i babysit when cuddling with them. i have to be very careful that they don't jump on me when they are excited. they are so cute! even though they are so young, they know how to be respectful and understand that they need to be careful with me.
wear tight clothing. it feels so restricting and causes my skin to ache and feel an itchy kind of pain. this means i don't wear bras anymore, and it also means i have grown out of most of my tops; thus i need to go shopping.
***edit: added sunday august 15*** - handle stress or life's curve balls with out becoming a complete sobbing or shaking mess. being in a constant state of underlying pain takes it's toll on the emotions and anything has been able to trigger me...even minor incidents like watching the news.

on another interesting note, i have decided to stop shampooing and conditioning my hair. i am very cautious about what goes in and on my body and since 89% of ingredients in our everyday personal care items haven't been adequately assessed, i don't want to subject myself to possible toxins and carcinogens. just in case you are thinking that i am nuts, shampoo is a modern day invention that has only been around since the 1930's. people in the past all managed to do with out, so why can't i? the hair and scalp is self-cleansing and moisturizing once you let it adjust to no stripping of natural oils from shampoos/detergent.

so far, i have gone 1 week with out 'pooing my hair. instead, i have been washing with 1 Tbsp of baking soda to 1 cup of water, and "conditioning" it with 1 Tbsp of apple cider vinegar to 1 cup of water. so far, so good. if you are interested in this, there is a wealth of information about no 'pooing on the internet and many people have made the change. check it out!

i will take pics of my hair at some point to show you that it can still look fabulous!

47. what its like - epic post - pictures at the end.

2010-07-29T23:47:00.023-04:00

today has been an emotional day. i am in quite a bit of pain from my last fill 2 days ago. i didn't take anything for it because i thought i was going to be babysitting. i didn't call them to find out if i was because i was hoping i wouldn't have too. they never called to confirm or let me know i wasn't so i popped in a movie and cried.

experiencing a low level of pain all day takes its toll. i am not normally a weepy person. i think this process is starting to take its toll on me and i know i have been putting on my game face for the past 4 months. i know there are emotions to deal with, but i think subconsciously, i am holding off until i am complete with my final exchange.

i find myself thinking about different things and i am surprised. it's strange that i won't (or most likely won't) get breast cancer. i've lived my entire teen and adult life figuring i would get it. it's almost scary that i won't get it because breast cancer is all i've known and i had braced myself for it. but, it's exciting to hope that i will live to be an old lady.

i am starting to think about exchange surgery. there are fears that go along with it. i have fears that i won't be satisfied, or that my implants will flip around in my body. i mention the latter because my left expander has rotated counter clockwise quite a bit. the port used to be located at the 12 o'clock postion in my left areola, and is now located at the 9 o'clock position, just outside of my areola.

i am glad my fills are now spaced 4 weeks apart. i think the end is going to be difficult, and i have to prepare myself for that. the expanders are digging into my ribs, and when i get up from a laying down or reclining position and inspect the foobies, i have marks on my chest like i am wearing a bra...but i'm not wearing one! it also feels like i have the too tight bra on again that i experienced the first few weeks post surgery.

i hope my body will adjust quickly to this new increase in size. i have almost been set back to the point that it is difficult to open my pill containers, so i have transferred them to the easy off lids again at the pharmacy.

this process is also taking it's financial toll. i tried to go back to my regular job last week as a cosmetic merchandiser, but i couldn't handle the demanding hours, long travel times, and moderate lifting. i had to disclose my medical situation to my company and apologise for not being able to be dependable during our busy time. fortunately, they understood. hopefully, they won't replace me for this contract, but instead, lighten my load and keep me close to home.

i am currently relying on the government for assistance, but all they offer is $36.00 per month for living expenses after my rent. that doesn't even cover my monthly hydro bill, let alone groceries. i have been doing a bit of babysitting on the side to make a bit of extra cash to make ends meet, but i am starting to fall behind and want for certain things like fresh vegetables. i have gone to the food bank twice now and it's not a fun place to go...plus they don't cater to my lifestyle of whole foods and high intake of fruits and vegetables.

fortunately, the government assistance covers all my extra medical needs, like prescriptions, and travel reimbursements to appointments. i asked yesterday about a clothing allowance since i am starting to outgrow all my shirts and of course bras, and they said they would cover that.

my grandparents have also been really supportive by giving me a $100.00 allowance each month to help out, and they have me over for dinner often. oma also dropped of a delicious potato salad the other day, and after my appointment on tuesday which they took me to, they took me out to dinner.

things are really difficult, but i also see that God has helped me make all my ends meet even when things have been tight and felt desperate. i just wanted to mention that as a single person, mastectomy does take a financial toll and you need to be prepared for this. you need to ask for help. you need to rely on resources that are available. you need to financially prepare before hand and try to get a bit of savings going into it.

if you get stuck, don't be afraid to ask for help. i live in Canada, and i have received support from several local churches where i live, the food bank, and the YMCA. if i hadn't asked, i would have no electricity, and at times, no food. the united way and the salvation army has paid for my hydro for the past 6 months. i also received grocery vouchers from the catholic church and the YMCA helped me partially furnish my apartment making sure i had a bed in my spare room leading up to surgery in case i needed family to stay with me. (if you read my first or second post, you will see why i was in financial crisis going into my surgery.)

wow...the past 2 years have been the toughest 2 years of my life - except for the year and a few years after when my mom died. i am really happy that i am over most of the hurdles i have been trying to overcome. i really had too much to deal with and wonder how i managed.

i am in a good place now, and despite the pain and tough day emotionally, i can honestly say, i am happy. this is something i have noticed recently in the past few months, and not something i have ever been able to say and experience before. life is good.

i want to share my procedure with you from this past tuesday. my best friend elaine met up with me and my grandparents and accompanied me to my appointment. i brought my professional camera along and she expertly took pictures and they turned out fantastic.

she remarked at how accommodating my plastic surgeon was and also how friendly the nurse and 2 residents were. i feel blessed to have come in contact with such great people who are so genuine and interested. i would like to dedicate a post to my plastic surgeon at some point because he has made this whole journey more enjoyable than not. i actually look forward to my expansions and don't experience any anxiety leading up to them. i will leave that post till after my final surgery though when we are both happy with my results and i can share more information about him.

on to the pictures!

this is me in the day surgery room about to disrobe from the waist up. the foobs are already looking huge, but wait and see how much bigger they get after the fill!

i've got my lovely green hospital gown on. one size fits most. but not me. i drown in it!

my plastic surgeon feeling the expander. i assume he is checking to see how much "give" it still has and the position of it. i'll ask next time.

the mood is always light and sometimes humorous. i am sure i am laughing at a crack i made or a crack my best friend made. i am one of those people that cracks a whole lot of jokes under pressure. i am actually quite funny and laughter is the best medicine!

expansion is not all fun and games. ultimately, you do feel alone at times and lost and overwhelmed. i feel this picture captures some of that. i sometimes find a place outside of myself to get through it. on a different note: look at those rock hard foobs! they don't move or get lost in the armpits. they stay right where they are, even lying down.

i also wore my army boots, because i wanted to be tough girl. i had a feeling that this expansion was going to be harder than the others and geared myself up for it that morning. i was right.

the tool in the p.s.'s hand is a magnet used to locate the port where the needle will be inserted to fill the expander. the expander has shifted since my last visit, so we were surprised to find the port in a new location.

locating the port on the right side.

both ports are marked with an 'x'. the marker doesn't wash off easily and is often there for a week or so. a bit annoying because you can see the marker on my right breast when i am wearing a tank top.

the resident is sterilizing the entire breast area. the p.s. says this isn't necessary, but it is hospital policy. the p.s. says you really only need to sterilize the injection sites, but rules are rules. i like that he follows policy even though the stuff is cold and drips into my hair.

as you can see by my face, this is painful. once the needles are in the port and they start filling, the feeling of pain goes away. i am grateful for the pain, because it means my body is regenerating sensation.

out of the 5 fills i have had, only one other time i had both of them filled at the same time. it doesn't matter to me either way, but i am a little nervous when a resident is assisting.

even though my team makes expansion as pleasant as possible, it is still a stressful experience. you can tell by looking at my neck that i am completely tensed up.

there were a total of 2 residents, one nurse, my p.s., my best friend elaine, and myself in the room. that was a total of 6 people. big party for a small room.

half of the saline has been injected into the expanders on both sides. 30 cc's to go. the process of injecting the saline into the expanders once the needles were inserted took no more than 60 seconds.

the areas are wiped down and a bit of pressure applied to prevent bleeding. the nurse then adds round dome band-aids. i will only wear the band-aids for a few hours and then removed them or else i will get hives. i have a sensitivity to adhesives in band-aids, surgical tape, and latex.

this happy smilely face says it all. i am happy to be done and very satisfied with my size. all my appointments end this way.

you can easily see the round dome band-aids.

they are so huge now they are starting to look funny. i look a little tired from the whole experience.

you can see how the band-aid shows with a tank-top. i had a button down top to go over this. it is officially too small for me after this appointment. most of my tops are.

i hope you found these photos enjoyable. i hope they are helpful and take away some of the mystery to those wondering how it's done. yes, some of it is painful and stressful, but in the end, it is worth it. i think if you have a good team of medical professionals like i do, it makes the whole experience worth while. i am glad that everyone has been so engaging and interested in what i have to say. my questions are always welcome and answered. i never feel like i am being rushed out the door. i've said it before and i will say it again; i feel like a human being. i am not treated like a number.

46. Fill #5 - 3.5 months post-op

2010-07-29T01:28:00.015-04:00

I had my 5th fill yesterday. It went really great, however, I am quite sore today. I received 60 cc's of saline in each expander and I can tell that I am really being stretched now. My muscles in my back were sore and the expanders are definitely digging into my ribs. I am taking percoset again for pain.

It is late, so I will be short on words. Enjoy the pics. I think this is the size I want to be...so next 2 fills will be the overfill of 100 cc's. I am currently at:

Left Side: 340cc's
Right side: 360 cc's.

Look for another post in the near future, as I had a friend come with me to document the procedure.

45. just had to share this - inspirational and empowering

2010-07-16T20:26:00.002-04:00

beauty and the breast project

i so want to be a part of this! all of these women are absolutely stunning. the photography is captivating! i feel completely empowered and inspired to look at myself differently.

thank you beauty and the breast project. i hope you keep updating with more beautiful portraits.
(click on the portrait link at the bottom of the page - not just the homepage)

44. 3 months post op pbm

2010-07-13T23:26:00.003-04:00

wow! i can't believe it's been 3 months since my mastectomy...and yet, it feels like a long time ago.

i am mostly 100% pain free, however i do notice a bit of achy-ness when the weather is severely humid. and we have had a lot of that...43 degrees Celsius the one day. that translates to 109 degrees Fahrenheit!!!

fortunately, on the hottest days, my friends and i escaped to the lake and floated in bliss keeping cool and drinking lots of water. the first day we went to the lake i was really cautious and swam with a noodle. the second time we went, i surprised myself and attempted to dive off a raft and swim! success! i still have expanders but am able to swim! i don't have much endurance yet, so i always made sure my noodle was close by.

i would like to comment that this past month i have noticed that i am happy! i am happy! i can't believe it. i guess living under a shroud of fear for the past 2 years took an immense toll. i mentioned before that i was in counseling and i also took part in an 18 month behavioral group therapy program but i think the fear of breast cancer prevented me from grasping the new concepts and adopting them fully to my lifestyle.

with the immense weight of breast cancer lifted, i noticed early on post surgery that life was different--better. i noticed my new behavioral tools kicking in and i have adopted a new way of dealing with stressful and difficult decisions. the world is no longer bleak. i don't feel alone. i have so much hope for the future.

:)

here is my CAN and CAN'T Do list for 3 months post-op. keep in mind that i am still in expansion phase.

THINGS I CAN DO 3 MONTHS POST OP

1. swim (i can probably tread water for about 5 minutes, do the breast stroke, and back stroke.)

2. dive off a raft (and still lose my bottoms!)

3. jump off a raft to try and "touch bottom" of the lake

4. run

5. drive standard - a.k.a. stick shift

6. french braid my hair in 2 braids like the dutch girl that i am

THINGS I CAN'T DO 3 MONTHS POST-OP

1. chin ups (i thought i could do this last list, but i started to attempt it but it didn't feel right so i didn't force it.)

2. wear a bra for more than a couple of hours (it gets too uncomfortable)

3. sleep on my stomach - since my last expansion i am too large to sleep comfortably on my stomach. i still get a good nite's rest though by sleeping on my sides

4. feel confident with a man with my shirt off in an intimate situation (yeesh...i know this will come in time as the scars fade and the final surgery is done...but what a mood breaker. i refused for them to be touched...they feel so freakish. i am sure he would/and was fine with it, but i was just so damn self conscious and didn't make for a very enjoyable experience. lights off...nuff said.)

i also wanted to mention that i have a little fear. i fear that my permanent implants won't look as good as my expanders...cuz let's face it...my foobs are looking pretty stellar! i really like the projection i am getting and how they look straight on. i also have great cleavage. i know my surgeon will be using the mentor high profiles, so i really shouldn't worry...but i can't help it sometimes. i will be sure to mention that i like the look of things and hope that we can maintain it with the final surgery other than correcting a bit of unevenness and bottoming out. i think he is going to raise things up a bit ever so slightly and i know he is a perfectionist with attention to detail.

hope you enjoyed my post and found it informative!

43. progression

2010-07-03T23:36:00.003-04:00

I threw this together over the past few days. It was more work than I thought but I am sure it will be appreciated. I plan to do progression views for the left and right side as well when I get a moment but right now my life is crazy busy and I fear I won't get much of a chance to update this blog over the coming two weeks. I will try my best though.

Cheers!

42. Fill #4 - 11 weeks post-op

2010-06-30T00:21:00.008-04:00

it seems like yesterday that i did a photo blog and here i am again with another. i had my fourth fill today and am very pleased with my size. i don't know if you can tell the difference in size compared to last weeks photos. i can really see the difference now in my profile.

here are the stats of my 4rd fill:

going in
LEFT - 230 cc's
RIGHT - 240 cc's

cc's added this visit
LEFT - 50 cc's
RIGHT - 60 cc's

where i'm at now
LEFT - 280 cc's
RIGHT - 300 cc's

i am working on a time line photo blog which should be really cool so look out for that really soon!

41. Fill #3 - 10 weeks post-op

2010-06-25T02:44:00.009-04:00

finally. updated pictures. and yes. it is 2:45am. i should be sleeping but i am a natural night owl and since surgery my system has reverted to what it wants to do. but for now, this is not a problem because i usually babysit in the afternoon/evenings so i can sleep in till 1pm if i choose.

here are the stats of my 3rd fill:

going in
LEFT - 170 cc's
RIGHT - 200 cc's

cc's added this visit
LEFT - 60 cc's
RIGHT - 40 cc's

where i'm at now
LEFT - 230 cc's
RIGHT - 240 cc's

i think i could have added more this visit but i was playing it safe because i felt pretty tight on the left side. however, with in 10 minutes of me leaving the p.s. i was fine and already wishing i had added more.

lol. because i am so small, these foobs look humongous on me. however, i am still lacking the desired projection so we have 4 more appointments scheduled for fills. i think i will be pretty happy with my size over the next 2 appointments and the last 2 fills will be for the over-fills that my plastic surgeon likes to do.

so based on those appointment dates, i am thinking my exchange will be around november...i hope...and this is pending that there are no complications. my minor complication now that i mentioned yesterday is pretty much the same...but not visible in the pictures below.

also, here is a list of my upcoming fills:
june 29th
july 27th
august 24th
september 7th

i liked when they were every 2 weeks. i don't know why the appointments after june 29th are spread so far apart. i am going to ask about that. i am getting anxious to be done so hopefully i can get on a cancellation list to have one or two of those done sooner. i have a deadline as i start college january 2011...for nursing!

also, i don't know if you can notice...but as i am being expanded, unfortunately my scars are stretching out too and becoming quite large. this has been a bit of an issue with me and a little difficult to deal with. it makes me sad and i have my moments of despair. i really wanted perfection here. i also know my results are stellar at this point too and that hopefully with the final surgery they will be minimized. i also know over time they will fade to white and that i am blessed to have a choice in reconstruction with an optimal outcome.

with out further ado...here are the pics...please pay no mind to the bra impressions in my skin. and you can click for close ups.

40. life is getting back to normal

2010-06-24T02:30:00.002-04:00

i had full intentions of doing a blog update this week but life has gotten away on me and i find myself busy and enjoying life. i apologize because i do have a lengthy update to post but it involves taking pictures of my most recent fill. i admit i have not taken the pictures yet because i was away for a few days, then returned and had company for a few days, and now i am cramming to finish my english and biology courses in time for spring college application.

i am having the teeniest most minor complication at the moment which i hope proves to be nothing at all. on saturday after i got out of the shower i noticed that my incision on my right breast/nipple looked "fresh". it looked like a 1/4 inch paper cut. i called my p.s. immediately but he was unable to get back to me until the next day due to being in surgery. either way, i mentioned that it looks for the most part superficial but he did suggest to continue keeping the area clean and to additionally apply polysporin to prevent any sort of infection. the "paper cut" has gotten a little bigger and is now almost a 1/2 inch but again, superficial looking.

i still have a concern of course that it could completely open up. the p.s. suggested that it could be happening if a suture is trying to work it's way out. i wonder if it has happened because maybe my last fill was too much for the incision to handle...or i am wondering if it is because i wake up on my stomach and being in that position is possibility causing the skin to stretch and compromise the incision. with way, i am making an effort not to sleep on my stomach right now.

i have another busy day tomorrow, but i will try and do my best to get an up-to-date photo blog posted tomorrow.

39. Please Vote!

2010-06-15T12:23:00.002-04:00

(from Teri's Blip)

If you had a chance to easily help Facing Our Risk of Cancer Empowered (FORCE) win $250,000, would you do it?

If like me, your answer is yes, then here is your chance. It won’t cost you a dime. All it takes is being a member of Facebook, and a vote for Facing Our Risk of Cancer Empowered as your favorite charity.

A campaign on Facebook called Chase Community Giving is going to be giving away a total of $5 million dollars to be split between 200 charities. The charity with the most votes will receive $250K, 4 runner-ups will receive $100K, and 195 charities will receive $20K.

FORCE is the only national nonprofit organization dedicated to serving the needs of and improving the lives of individuals and families affected by hereditary breast and ovarian cancer. They provide lifesaving information on the latest medical treatment and risk management, resources, and awareness.

Voting on Facebook starts todfay June 15, 2010 and the lucky 200 winning charities will be announced on July 13, 2010

What would FORCE do with the money if they won?

For starters:
$1,000 delivers the latest in BRCA research and information to 500 families.
$500 gives 60,000 visitors access to their website for one month.
$300 provides a scholarship to FORCE’s annual conference to one person that could not otherwise attend.
$200 provides life-saving information to 100 people through their newsletter.
$100 provides phone-based support and resources via the Helpline for one month.
$50 provides a package of informational brochures to doctor’s offices and hospitals.

Just think – if $2250 can do all of that – how much good could be done even if we only place among the bottom 195, and win the lowest amount of $20,000! That’s a whole lot of help, to a whole lot of people!

You may be asking yourself, “Why is this important?” Forsomeone who has a BRCA genetic mutation or HBOC, having an organization like FORCE on my side is invaluable. Without information and knowledge of what these genetic mutations mean, people can and DO die from hereditary breast and ovarian cancer.

Spreading information saves lives, and provides much needed peace of mind, education, and emotional support for those of us afflicted with this mutation.

If you are on Facebook then it’s very simple to vote. The first thing you do is go here:
http://apps.facebook.com/chasecommunitygiving

The next step is to join the movement by scrolling down just a little bit on the page and clicking the ‘Like’ button.

Next step: Click the big green ‘Search’ button and copy this text: Facing Our Risk of Cancer Empowered and paste it in the box that says ‘Charity Name.’

Click the big blue ‘Search’ button to the right of that.

After you click that, you’ll see Facing Our Risk of Cancer Empowered in blue lettering. Click it.

Scroll down and check the box that says: “Please display my name and profile picture below so this charity knows it can contact me to get more involved.”

Click ‘submit’. A ‘Request for Permission’ box will pop up. Click ‘Allow’.

Vote – and share (and share and share and share again) with your friends, and ask them to share with their friends, and so on. This is the key to getting the word out there, especially as we are only allowed one vote per person per charity.

* Reminder: While voting doesn’t begin until June 15th, you can go to the Chase Community Givingpage on Facebook and ‘like’ them at any time- just to give yourself a head-start.*

38. 8 weeks post op

2010-06-10T20:57:00.002-04:00

not much to say. things haven't changed much. i do notice with the damp weather that my chest seems tighter. this is probably due to being less active on gloomy days so i start to "seize up".

i am looking forward to next wednesday when i go for my 3rd fill.

i can massage my foobs and really manipulate the expanders. i guess this means that the muscles have loosened with time which is good. i think the next fill will definitely tighten things up again and i won't be able to so easily manipulate the expanders. let me just tell you, it does feel really weird and it is so obvious that there are foreign objects in my chest.

since i am mostly recovered i am on to tackling the whole court stuff of last septembers assault. i really don't want to deal with it because i was happy being stress free for a while. but life is inevitable and things need to be dealt with. i just hate feeling the butterflies and anxiety again like when i did leading up to surgery.

look forward to a pictorial post some time next week when i get my third fill. oh, i am excited.

37. bikini top pics

2010-06-06T01:05:00.005-04:00

I can not believe how good my expanders look in a bikini top. This is the first time I have ever been able to pull off this style of bikini top. I got this cute bikini with matching bottoms at Wal-Mart for only $10.00. Looks like I need to return and get one in every colour!

I have been back to work doing child-care quite a bit this week. I have logged 22.0 hours already this week and must say I have been doing pretty good energy wise. I do notice a little bit of tiredness but it is not unbearable. In fact, I had way more fatigue and tiredness before the surgery due to the amount of stress I was under. I am now 7 1/2 weeks post op from PBM with expanders.

36. 6 1/2 weeks with expanders - not so bad

2010-05-30T22:20:00.004-04:00

well it has been 6 1/2 weeks since my surgery. the first 4 weeks were pretty rough and i feared that i was going to be in a lot of pain through out having endured a pretty painful first fill.

well i am happy to say that my last fill almost a couple of weeks ago was virtually painless. i do not have another scheduled fill till june 15th (i am assuming the 1 month wait is due to p.s. going on holidays or the schedule was full). then i will have another fill 2 weeks after june 15th on june 29th.

to look at me straight on i look like a decent size but when i look at myself in the mirror sideways i lack projection. so i imagine i will have a few more fills after my other scheduled visits. also, the p.s. wants to over-expand me by 100 cc`s over and above the desired size to achieve a more natual droop.

i tried on some bra`s today at wal-mart to get an idea of where i am at. i am a 34a. i tried a 34b on but the cups were still loose. i would like to be on the larger size of 34b...so in between a 34b/34c. i am hoping with this size that i will not look so skinny and that this will still be a realistic size.

here is a list of things i can do in the past couple of weeks:

swim (i went swimming in the river. i could dog paddle a bit but can not do the breast stroke yet. in the deep waters i would still be in trouble if i had to swim to save my life.)
sleep on my stomach. yes!!! i can sleep comfortably on my stomach with expanders. i just have a lot of blankets stuffed under my chest area for padding. I AM A STOMACH SLEEPER so now i have been getting a better nights rest.
wear a 2 piece bikini
drive
go the whole day with out a nap
work!!! i do a lot of child care and i am able to do all of my regular duties
lift - i am able to lift 3 year olds and also a case of 24 water bottles with out any pain or difficulty

i`ve also started using bio-oil on my scars and moisturizing my entire foobs with cocoa butter. the skin is still very dry. i try to lightly exfoliate in the shower with a wash cloth but it is still weird due to lack of sensation and i am worried i will rub to hard. i alternate between using baby soap and spectro gel as cleansers for my foobs too.

i don`t have any pictures because everything looks the same since the last ones i posted. i will perhaps try to get some pictures in of my foobs in a bathing suit. i bought a cute hot pink string bikini today for $10.00!!! i must say i use to be a small on top but now with the foobs i am a medium.

oh yeah...i also won one of the giveaways on gr een and crunchy!!! i was so excited to visit and see my name as 4th on the list. i will write a review on my blog of the miessence products from organicololgy when i get a chance to try them out. i encourage you to check them out as their products are all certified organic. the site also does a great job of educating the reader on the dangers in everyday household and beauty products.

35. an unrelated blog i like to follow...yet related

2010-05-22T15:11:00.006-04:00

i sometimes need motivation to stay on my "green" and healthy lifestyle. i really like Green and Crunchy. i was reading a post today about how products we "think" are safe are still full of carcinogenics. boo. did you know that one third of all personal care products contain one or more ingredients classified as possible human carcinogens. for anyone who is interested, green and curnchy provides a link to ONEgroup which explores this and offers safe alternatives.

here is another interesting link i got from green and crunchy's blog post: http://thinkbeforeyoupink.org/

Fast Food for the Cure?

With their new “Buckets for the Cure” campaign, KFC and Susan G. Komen for the Cure are telling us to buy unhealthy food to cure a disease that kills women. It’s preposterous! Read our response to the campaign.

Make no mistake–every pink bucket purchase will do more to benefit KFC’s bottom line than it will to cure breast cancer. Tell KFC and Susan G. Komen for the Cure to rethink this pinkwashing partnership.

the above blip shows why i sometimes find the pink ribbon campaign so nauseating!

34. Fill #2 - 34 days post-op

2010-05-18T21:32:00.015-04:00

I GOT MY PATHOLOGY RESULTS BACK TODAY. COMPLETELY CLEAR!!! I HAD NO CANCEROUS OR PRE-CANCEROUS CHANGES. i did have fibro-cystic breast changes but this was already painfully obvious over the past few years!

i've had a spectatular week. 4 days of birthday celebrations. i am worn out now. i was in hamilton from friday to tuesday. i am home now and enjoying my new furniture suite i bought myself for my birthday!

i went for my 2nd fill today. a resident was part of the team this time around so i had both sides filled up at the same time! if i remember correctly i received 60 cc's in my right breast and 80 cc's in my left. this brings me to a total of 200 cc's in my right breast and 170 cc's in my left. lefty is slowly catching up.

i mentioned the amount of pain i was in to the plastic surgeon my last fill. i requested something for pain and he wrote me a new script for percoset. so far i still feel great since the fill and only took one for the 2 hour ride home. i haven't had to take anything since 2pm. to be safe i will take one before i go to bed.

my stitches/scabs all came out a few days ago. very exciting! i am ditching the scarves now too as i do not feel i need to conceal my small chest. i am already rocking a tank top. i am starting to feel now that my blog title is inappropriate as i do not really feel that i have "lost my boobs". and as you can see from the pics...i am definitely "gaining boobs". both times i have had a fill i have had to laugh at disbelief...and a little bit of joy to see mounds on my chest.

i am not sure how large or small i am going to go. i did find out today that my expanders are 350 cc's. however they will accommodate much more cc's than that. i am thinking 350 cc's might be a good size. we'll see. i don't want to go too large cuz i have a very tiny frame and i still have hopes of one day being able to sleep on my stomach again.

here are todays pics...at 34 days post op! i had my fill about 8 hours ago from these pics.

close-up left nipple

close up right nipple

33. not thirty three

2010-05-14T14:10:00.002-04:00

i forgot about posting yesterday. i said i would make a minor announcement.

i turned 34 yesterday! happy birthday to me! and for my birthday i had a pain free day...i was even able to finally vacuum my flat after not being able to do so for over a month. can we say yuck...cuz i have 3 cats.

i bought myself a new to me furniture set. it is the first time i have ever had 3 piece matching set...and matching cushions too.

this weekend is filled with birthday celebrations. i am having such a great couple of days and the weather is getting warmer for the weekend too.

i plan to have a blast while i can cuz i am worried tuesday's fill will bring some pain and i will have to rest and do nothing for a bit. for now i am going to live it up!!!

32. it's been a month

2010-05-12T19:40:00.002-04:00

it has been 4 weeks/one month-ish since my pbm.

so far the journey is a roller coaster...as expected.

i can have a couple of bad days and then a good day. so far it is mostly bad days and a good day...but i hope soon that it will mostly be good days with the odd bad day.

i think i mentioned that i have lost most of my mobility with the first fill. i am trying to get my posture back as i have been hunched over like an old lady for the past week. i noticed an improvement/decrease in pain over the past few days by rolling my shoulders back and pushing my chest out. it actually causes a nice stretch which feels good.

i was sleeping on my sides quite comfortable at 12 days post op but was not able to for almost a week after my first fill.

i have my 2nd fill schedule for next tuesday - may 18th. i am nervous that this is going to set me back a week again in terms of mobility and pain. on the other hand...i am also hoping that instead that it will ease some of the pain as the expanders start to fill out to a more rounder shape instead of the pokey jutting into my skin and muscles expanders they are right now.

btw...a minor announcement tomorrow. stay tuned!

31. ouch

2010-05-10T00:35:00.003-04:00

this is giving me endless pain and misery. it is part of the expander. the ps says it is perfectly normal and that it will ease up as i get fills...but by god...all i want to do is yell fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!! but that won't help.

i am to massage it and push it in too with hopes of diminishing it. it does help with the pain but i can't push it in all day and when i ease off it hurts like a fucker again.

sorry about the language.

i also typed this post with one hand.

30. Fill #1 - 3 weeks post-op

2010-05-06T19:28:00.016-04:00

i feel pretty raw today. not fun at all. i have been lazing around for most of the day. not much energy. i think being in pain really takes it toll on the body.

here are some pics i took today...22 days post op. i am surprised at the amount of moles i have...i never really noticed until these picture. i wish i had creamy white skin like nicole kidman. i wonder if i completely avoid the sun for the rest of my life if they would all go away???

29. go go gadget boobs

2010-05-05T20:42:00.003-04:00

i had my first fill yesterday. it was definitely an interesting experience. it was nerve wracking seeing the needle...and i am not squeamish by any means but i had to close my eyes the entire procedure.

the initial fill was not painful at all. however, i was in significant pain shortly after and was in enough pain that i could not sleep well or comfortably even with a quarter pill of oxycontin/percoset.

i came to the conclusion today that part of the issue with pain was because i wore a surgical bra and because i am partially numb i could not tell that it was digging into my ribs. i figured that out when i took it off and took a shower and felt some relief. i got the go a head from the plastic surgeon that i do not need to wear it...i can go bra free!

i tolerated 80 cc's of saline in each expander. that puts me at 140 cc's in the right expander and 90 cc's in the left (the left is less due to having 50 cc's removed shortly after surgery due to a collapsed lung. fluid was removed to ease the pressure on my lung thus preventing a chest tube.) the asymmetry is not that noticeable.

the plastic surgeon warned me that when i sat up and looked down that i would be significantly bigger. i was surprised at how much bigger i looked and spent the rest of the day shooting off text message puns to all my friends. my favorite one being "go go gadget boobs!"

today i had my follow up with the breast surgeon who performed the mastectomy to get pathology results. they are not in yet. boo! anyways, she said if i preferred she could call me with the results since i live 2 hours away. i said this was fine and if anything shows up we will book an appointment. otherwise, i do not need to see her until next year!!! btw, she was very impressed with my results.

i am pretty beat today so i will not be posting pics until tomorrow. i do not have the energy...and i gotta listen to my body.

28. fill 'er up

2010-05-03T13:31:00.002-04:00

going for my first fill tomorrow. i am excited and nervous. i am excited to start making progress but nervous about being in pain as i am relatively pain free now.

i also have my follow up with the breast surgeon on wednesday regarding pathology. this of course is nerve wracking too. i am sure i will be fine though.

pics to follow in a few days!

27. 12 days post op photos

2010-04-26T22:53:00.006-04:00

here are photos from today. i am 12 days post op. the last picture is of a mystery bruise on my waist/hip area. it looks more gruesome in person and i am wondering why i have it.

also here are a few lists:

things i could do immediately after surgery:
1. get in and out of bed
2. go to the bathroom on my own
3. wipe my own a$$ (thank you dear God!!!)
4. touch my head

things i could NOT do after surgery:
1. take a dump
2. put on a button/zipper sweater
3. lift anything more than a glass of water or wad of toilet paper. lol.
4. sleep on my side or stomach

things i can do now 12 days post op:
1. comb, wash, dry, and style my hair including blowdrying, straightening or putting it up in a ponytail.
2. open and close my windows
3. sleep on my sides (albeit i struggle to find that sweet spot of comfortableness)
4. light chores (cooking, cleaning out the litter box, dishes, disinfecting bathroom)

things i can NOT do 12 days post op:
1. open heavy doors
2. laundry :(
3. vacuuming
4. driving

now with out further ado...pictures:

26. hot and bored. or bored and hot.

2010-04-26T00:16:00.003-04:00

my internet was down for over a day and a half. i ended up having a 'weeds' marathon. i have watched season 1 and 2. i just started season 3 when my lovely internet came back.

now i shouldn't really complain because after all, i have been picking up on a signal in my building since november and don't pay for it.

as i start to feel better with each passing day, i find myself bored and itching to get out of the house. however, i have a bit of a problem...and i am not sure if it is related to the medication i am on for the c-diff.

i am experiencing a bit of agoraphobia. when i go out for walks i have mini panic attacks. not fun. my panic attacks cause me to look jerky and sketched out so if people are watching me i must look like i am on some freaky ass drugs.

i am hoping they are related to the c-diff meds...cuz a side affect is dizziness...but i am also wondering if it could be that my mind has been use to living in such a high state of anxiety and fear over the past 2 years...and now that it is gone, i think my brain is still possibly firing off shots of adrenaline out of habit.

either way, i fight it and get out of the house...but it really sucks.

another awful thing is i have been experiencing horrendous night sweats. they were so bad that while i was in the hospital the nurse would have to change my bedding and gown. they are really bad at home too and on friday night i had to change my undies 3 times!!! fortunately i have a queen size bed so i would switch sides and flip my duvet and pillows....and by the time the 3rd and 4th ones came around the drenched sides had dried.

things seemed to ease off a lot last night...so i am hoping it is the end of them. having a decent nights rest really contributes to my well-being the next day.

aside from all the above suckiness, i am actually feeling really fantastic. i have been doing my stretches which have really loosened up my chest area and given me more mobility. i even made really good banana oatmeal muffins today.

look for a photo update tomorrow night...pending an internet connection. i want to post some new ones now that the drains are out and most of the bruising is gone.

25. snip, snip.

2010-04-23T22:21:00.000-04:00

i wore a t-shirt today.

couldn't get it off...

...so i cut it off.

bye bye t-shirt.

doesn't matter...my boobs will be too big for you soon enough.

lol.

24. what the c-diff is going on???

2010-04-23T13:50:00.003-04:00

ok...well...sorry for the reprieve. i was back in hospital. i came down with c-diff. i'm not going to go into much detail right now cuz all i want to do is go outside and enjoy the day...especially after being in hospital for 3 more days.

23. both drains are out but i had a shitty night

2010-04-19T18:18:00.003-04:00

i have both my drains out which was awesome.

i also had the epic dumpings of my bowels. however, my abdomen was still very sore and tender yesterday causing misery all day and into today. i haven`t been able to eat since-appetite is gone so i have been drinking water and meal replacements.

grandparents came today and i told them that i heard drinking too much water is not so great and asked if they could get me gatorade. they did and within and hour of drinking i started to feel good. my bowels are no longer feeling irritated either.

i think my system yesterday was just fed up with all the drugs too. i had such a general feeling of blah yesterday. fortunately with having both drains removed, i was able to discontinue the antibiotic i was on called cephalex. this stuff was absolutely horrible. it tasted and smelled like a cat litter box. i think it was mainly responsible for making me feel like shit too.

i have spent the entire day in bed since last night from 12am till today at 4pm. i finally got up when an officer showed up at my door to ask me about the drug bs that is going on around here. oh wait...i did have a bath and wash my own hair at around 1pm.

anyways, after the police visit i went for a walk around the block. it`s actually a pretty nice day out. tomorrow is suppose to be even better and warmer so i am looking forward to that. i have a friend visiting this evening to look forward too. just hope my appetite comes back soon.

22. my mom - april 27, 1953 - april 18, 1992

2010-04-18T14:57:00.008-04:00

my mom - april 27, 1953 - april 18, 1992
diagnosed with breast cancer at the young age of 35. she left behind 2 daughters and a son at the young age of 38.

my mother rocked a bikini!

she made most of her own clothes.

she was a fashionista!

she threw really cool birthday parties!

every birthday and christmas she made me a new dress. she even made me matching dresses for my cabbage patch dolls.

she had great breasts...then she only had one...

she had funny looking feet...this was because of all the stylish pointy high heeled shoes she use to wear.

she could draw cool pictures.

she was attentive.

she loved to dance.

she always had great skin and a golden tan.

she had long legs and turned heads where ever she went.

she was careful.

sometimes she didn't believe me.

she loved to camp.

she was self-conscious.

she was a great singer and sang in the church choir and cantatas.

she loved jesus.

she use to clean houses.

she liked to go for walks.

she loved summer.

she was loved by everyone.

she had a great laugh.

she had great hair.

she was a real estate agent.

sometimes when she held my hand she would walk to fast and i would have to run to keep up.

she read her bible.

she liked pork chops with applesauce.

she was my home.

she could be short tempered.

she adored her nieces and nephews.

she didn't like her teeth so she got braces.

she loved her teeth.

she went all out for christmas's and birthdays.

she could braid my hair so beautifully.

she felt alone.

she loved to plant marigolds and tomato plants.

she liked to eat cake batter and let us lick the bowl.

she made great dutch soup.

she was a beach babe.

she had a vibrant smile.

she was a cat person.

she loved her children.

she cried during sad movies.

she suffered greatly.

she fought bravely.

she died tragically.

she died too young.

i wish i had more memories...

21. let the photo diary begin

2010-04-18T00:36:00.016-04:00

i've got the starting of photos. i will just start posting with captions.

it's been a crazy afternoon here...not related to me...it has become apparent that my neighbors are trafficking drugs. i put a call into the police and they were quick to get an enforcement team out with under cover surveillance. they made 2 arrests on site at around 9pm. my little building of 8 apartments is in a bit of a flurry. it's nice that most of us tenants have banded together and are taking action and reporting everything.

let the photo diary begin:

PRE-SURGERY

POST SURGERY - ABOUT 5 HOURS

DRAINS

DRAINS CLOSE-UP

CLOSE UP OF CHEST (LEFT) marking are where ps drew to define expander in case i needed a chest tube. he wanted to make sure the expander didn't get punctured. pink stuff is NOT a reaction. it is the colour of whatever they used to sterilize my chest.

CLOSE UP OF CHEST (RIGHT)

3 DAYS POST-OP NIPPLE SPARING PBM WITH EXPANDERS 01

3 DAYS POST-OP NIPPLE SPARING PBM WITH EXPANDERS 02

3 DAYS POST-OP NIPPLE SPARING PBM WITH EXPANDERS (RIGHT SIDE)

3 DAYS POST-OP NIPPLE SPARING PBM WITH EXPANDERS (LEFT SIDE)

3 DAYS POST-OP NIPPLE SPARING PBM WITH EXPANDERS (RIGHT NIPPLE)

3 DAYS POST-OP NIPPLE SPARING PBM WITH EXPANDERS (CLOSE UP OF RIGHT NIPPLE)

3 DAYS POST-OP NIPPLE SPARING PBM WITH EXPANDERS (LEFT NIPPLE)

3 DAYS POST-OP NIPPLE SPARING PBM WITH EXPANDERS (CLOSE UP OF LEFT NIPPLE)

so i was initially really freaked out when i first saw my chests. i was told and requested that my incisions be made in the inter-mammary fold. when i woke up, obviously i could tell that they did not make the incisions there. i made the nurse peel back my dressings because i was worried my nipples had been removed as well.

the ps made the call to change the incisions based on better nipple viability (less risk of rejection) and that i would have scars showing regardless of where they are. so something i still want to discuss during my follow up visit. i should have been told of the change pre-surgery or at least had the ps follow up with me shortly after surgery to let me know instead of having to find out myself.

either way, i am currently satisfied with the results thus far.

20. a good day

2010-04-17T13:57:00.001-04:00

having a really good day. i realized that the secret to reducing the thorax pain was to continually take deep breathes.

i was able to reduce my pain medication to half and still feel good.

went to the hair salon and got my hair washed today.

can not believe it, but i already got one drain removed today! i just had surgery on wednesday. i haven't even had a chance to develop a hate relationship with them yet and the other one will probably be out tomorrow as they were both draining the same. i have been drinking tonnes of water as was suggested and i think this has really made a difference...otherwise i am considering myself lucky.

just hoping for a bowel movement since i haven't had one since wednesday pre-surgery. i am on prescription stool softeners but also picked up some senokot. crossing my fingers that by tonight i will have gone.

19. copy and paste

2010-04-16T22:10:00.003-04:00

here is a copy and paste status update from my facebook to quickly update you. i had major complications and am mostly resting and feeling too tired to update everyone. i am home though as of today and that is great.

Rachel says: so my "minor complication" during surgery was not so minor and actually quite major. i had a pneumonthorax which caused the collapse of my left lung. i am sure due to all the prayers of protection that went out i somehow avoided needing a chest tube.

recovery, however has been really difficult with many ups and downs. ... for the most part i feel spectacular but near the end of each 4 hour round of pain medication i am in excruciating pain until i can safely take the next ones. breathing becomes extremely painful and labored.

i know that in time this will get better. i am focusing on resting and getting my strength up by eating. i am sorry that many of you could not visit me while i was in hospital and i am sorry i needed to turn you away. it was just too difficult.

i am back home now and looking forward to connecting with friends and family here. please call ahead though as i do not wish to be overwhelmed with too many visitors at one time.

http://www.medicinenet.com/pneumothorax/article.htm

What is a pneumothorax?

A pneumothorax is a collection of free air in the chest outside the lung that causes the lung to collapse.

What are the types of pneumothorax?

A spontaneous pneumothorax, also referred to as a primary pneumothorax, occurs in the absence of a traumatic injury to the chest or a known lung disease. A secondary (also termed complicated) pneumothorax occurs as a result of an underlying condition.

What causes a pneumothorax?

Spontaneous pneumothorax is caused by a rupture of a cyst or a small sac (bleb) on the surface of the lung. Pneumothorax may also occur following an injury to the chest wall such as a fractured rib, any penetrating injury (gun shot or stabbing), surgical invasion of the chest, or may be deliberately induced in order to collapse the lung. A pneumothorax can also develop as a result of underlying lung diseases, including cystic fibrosis, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD), lung cancer, asthma, and infections of the lungs.

click link to read more about pneumothorax: http://www.medicinenet.com/pneumothorax/article.htm

18. twas the night before surgery

2010-04-14T00:14:00.002-04:00

well...less than 12 hours till surgery.

i have had a fantastic couple of days since i arrived in the city. very minimal stress and anxiety. i have mostly been having a fun time.

a few epic moments though...like taking my bra off tonight before changing into my pajamas and wondering if i will ever need it again.

i am all organized and good to go. actually feeling sleepy so i think i will have a good nights rest.

i will post back as soon as i am able.

thanks for all the love, support, and comments that have been made over the past 2 months.

17. for sure

2010-04-08T20:52:00.002-04:00

april 14th is a go!

my pre-op is the day before on the 13th. i thought this was weird. anyways, going down to the city on monday and gonna stay with friends. my dad is also making the drive from up north - elliot lake to be with me.

my aunt is trying to switch her monday shift off so she can drive me to guelph to my grand-parents and then they will take me the rest of the way to hamilton.

as expected, i am having my low moments and high moments. i am overcome by all the love and support. i did not expect so much of it...but i stepped outside of my box and started asking for help.

everything seems to be falling in to place naturally. i am not overwhelmed with lists of things to do. i was last month when i thought my surgery was going to be in march. i am just taking it day by day. i have a bit of cleaning to do and will need to pack my bag at some point.

i am mostly taking it easy. i am having a bit of a freak out today. but that is to be expected. oh, and i am having trouble eating due to nerves so i picked up some meal replacement drinks cuz they help me keep the weight on.

6 days to go.

16. rays of sunshine and dark thunder clouds

2010-04-03T22:29:00.009-04:00

what an awesome day. the weather was yet again beautiful and today was the day my family got together to celebrate easter.

my grandparents revealed that they are moving back to "not disclosed for privacy" where i live so it will be great to spend more time with them--especially during recovery. oma brought a slew of photos and the whole family was in hysterics while we walked through memory lane. i especially enjoyed the photos that were of my mom. my heart broke for my sister though who was only 3 years old when mom died. she really appreciated seeing the pics.

my heart broke later today when my oma brought out a couple of newspaper articles that my mom was in when she was in remission for the first time. i was so absolutely devastated reading the article head line. i couldn't read the articles at the time because i was too upset so i tucked them away in my purse.

reading the articles at home i was even more devastated. the articles portrayed her positive outlook and wanting to give back to the community. i, on the other hand know full well the outcome. she would only live another year which involved an even more grueling and bitter battle ahead of her which entailed at the time an experimental stem cell/bone marrow transplant. that would lead to a second but short lived remission and then her death.

it was an emotional and bustling day and i barely had a chance to share with my oma and aunts about my surgery date. i was frustrated that i was only able to tell my oma as she was on her way out the door.

i told my 2 aunts about 15 minutes before my sis and i were to head home that surgery is in 11 days and they were sort of speechless. i could see the pain in their eyes and they just gave me big hugs. my tante (aunt in dutch) ali said she will come visit me. it's not like i dropped a bomb on them because they have known of my decision for some time but i think it seems surreal until you are actually at the stage where things are booked and you are doing the countdown.

i am so happy to have love and support. i didn't really know how much support i had until recently. it is great to have these revelations leading up to surgery. it makes things easier...but in a way it also makes things harder because i know this has become other peoples burden...something that affects them in a unique and sometimes painful way.

my hope is that i can stay positive like my mom and give back...but sorry mom...i don't want to follow in your footsteps.

15. dare i say it

2010-04-02T20:13:00.003-04:00

in light of last months surgery bump i am hesitant to write that my new surgery date is april 14th. not even 2 weeks notice. i suppose this is a good thing. i will have less time to stress about it.

on another note...i was completely stressed yesterday because the children i babysit came down with the chicken pox and i was definitely exposed with in the incubation period.

i have never had the chicken pox so naturally i freaked out because i am worried it will push my surgery or i will present with an outbreak shortly thereafter when i am recovering. my brother also had the chicken pox a few years ago (in his 30's thus verifying the fact that i knew i never got them) and it turned out to be an awful time for him and our family resulting in a pretty major depression for him. i think this scare brings up some emotions from that time.

anyways, i did a bit of research online and found out there is a immunity shot i can get to either prevent an outbreak all together or at least minimize it. it is called the varicella zoster immune globulin. i was in contact with my emergency department last night and they were able to get the shot for me (despite it being a long weekend) and i had the shot administered today. so one less stress.

i am coping quite well...i am not actively preparing like i did last month. not yet anyways. fortunately mostly everything is already in place. i will do a thorough clean sometime next week...prepare some meals in advance...do a linen cleaning and make sure my room is as sterile as possible. other than that, i will just need to pack my bags and maintain my sanity.

the weather has been amazing so i spent the better portion of the day outside. it is also easter weekend and there is a family dinner tomorrow that i am looking forward too. i will tell my family about the surgery date too. hope everyone else is enjoying the long weekend.

14. no formal dance training required

2010-03-23T00:37:00.006-04:00

i have much to say...
...but can't find the words to say it.

so i decided to get creative with my feelings and thoughts.

i am not a trained dancer. this was not choreographed. please don't kill me in the comments section.

13. courage is my strength

2010-03-16T21:30:00.003-04:00

12. preserving history

2010-03-16T01:19:00.009-04:00

i am moved beyond words but i will blog more about the eventful side of things and try to capture the emotion of the past few days in another post...but here is a little bit:

a support system has come out of no where and heaps of love has been surrounding me to the brim. i feel at peace and am enjoying life. today i remarked that i was happy!

this weekend i went to the city with a new friend (i'll call LP) who has quickly developed into a close and cherished person in my life. we went to the city...my home town to visit her sister and girlfriend with another friend (who i will call MOC). we actually call each other by these acronyms...lol...yes they have meaning and yes we have a ton of fun!

so i went with the hopes of possibly doing a photo shoot and brought my camera. my bff from hamilton met up with us and LP's sister made the most amazing meal ever. it was probably one of the most visually stunning and impressive meals i have ever had. (wish i took a picture.)

dinner and dessert was completed and a newly purchased bottle of wine was opened. LP's sister agreed to do a photo shoot so i built my courage up a little bit.

i was quite nervous at first but also brave in taking off my shirt. i am sure the vino helped! i felt at first that i had to make apologies about my tiny breasts but self talked that nonsense right out of my head. my breasts are beautiful and we definitely captured them.

at the end of the photo shoot something miraculous happened. and this is where i have trouble articulating the sense of emotion i felt...the awe and splendor of women banding together. it is something i have never experienced before...

this group of women decided to get brave and don their shirts and pose topless with me to show their love and support. and it was such a unique and special moment. i am so truly touched that i do not know if i will ever be able to find the words to express what i felt and still feel at this moment.

any who...here are a few i would like to share...the last one is priceless!

11. a bit of a break

2010-03-07T23:42:00.002-05:00

so the past few days have been spent having a life and it has been great. i have been able to enjoy life and new friends and not be overwhelmed with the disappointment of surgery delays. the anxiety level has gone down too. i am sure this is why my posts have become a little bit infrequent. which is ok.

i have made other plans during this week and coming weekend and realize it is important to have fun things to look forward to so that the surgery does not become all encompassing.

i know this blog will pick back up once i am in the thick of things again but for now i am going to keep on with enjoying life and the welcoming the distractions it brings. i am not taking a hiatus but for sanity's i am distancing myself a bit from the hboc/brca/boob world.

10. relating

2010-03-02T18:24:00.002-05:00

9. trying to stay positive

2010-02-26T15:46:00.003-05:00

i am trying to look at this delay in surgery as positive (easier said than done)...and decided to make a list to help me get through.

- i can work a bit longer and save more money for when i am off
- the weather will be better in april which makes for safer driving to appointments for fills and follow-up appointments (2 hours one way...)
- more time to clean and prepare
- i got my referral for physio today for my shoulder (injury from the assault) and should be able to get in in the next few weeks to have it treated
- since i will be getting physio i can get some tips for exercises that i can do post-mastectomy
- it will help the people at work who would like time off for march break
- might find out about our families brca results before surgery
- might be able to connect with someone who i trust to take care of my pets while i am away for surgery (i have 3 cats, 1 of them who has special needs and needs insulin shots twice a day)

um...that's all i can think of...i am trying to focus on these positives instead of the disappointment...i'm honestly having a down day and feel really weepy. i think i will have a good cry later when i am completely done work for the day...i am babysitting soon and want to keep it together till i am done.

8. and this is why it is so hard to cope

2010-02-25T15:09:00.003-05:00

my surgery just got bumped to april. i have been making all these preparations the past few days...cleaning over haul...laundry...bought new bedding, jammies, easy to put on shirts...had my 4 week count down/check list on the go...and now i will have to start it all over again.

i am soooo frustrated and heart broken right now. i was actually calm, cool, and collected going in for march 15th, but now with this delay i am completely thrown for a loop. my stomach is in knots. i think i may cry:(

7. beginnings - epic

2010-02-19T21:39:00.016-05:00

i am sure some of you have stumbled upon my blog by mistake and are wondering how i could come to a decision such as this: the removal of my breasts.

well first off, i want to make it clear that my breasts ARE NOT healthy.

it all started in the beginning of november 2007. i was just chilling at the computer and for some reason...maybe just a comfort thing - i cupped my left breast and there it was...a lump. and not even a small one. it was the size of a pea.

my heart started to race and i got sweaty. i started searching the internet right away for what it could be. immediately i was struck with the fear that it might be cancer. i think my research that night ultimately brought me to the YSC - Young Survivors Coalition. i joined their forum and started posting my concerns.

i was stuck with the dilemma that i did not have a family doctor at the time. it took me 3 weeks to find a doctor that would except me for "an interview." fortunately during this interview i told the doctor why i was really there and he examined me...and could palpate the mass as well. he wrote me a script for a mammogram and a breast ultrasound (u/s from here on out).

if memory serves me correctly, i went immediately for the mammo and u/s but when i got to the imaging center the girl behind the counter sort of laughed at me and said i was too young for a mammogram. she called up to the doctor and asked if it was necessary for me to have it? i don't know why she persuaded him to say no, but i did not have a mammo that day. i did however have the u/s.

i anxiously waited about 2 weeks to get the radiology report for the u/s. in that time i have found other lumps in both of my breasts. needless to say i was freaking out. the doctor took my concerns seriously...and having learned to advocate for myself from the YSC boards i requested a biopsy. he then made a referral to a breast surgeon (who i will refer to as dr. l).

i waited 2 months to get in to see dr. l. in the mean time i was doing tons of research and i pretty much convinced myself i had breast cancer. this was not completely unwarranted as my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer when she was 35 and died of it when she was 38. upon further investigation, i also found that there were 2 more female breast cancer diagnoses under the age of 60. a great aunt had breast cancer at 60 and fortunately survived after a mastectomy but died of melanoma 15 years later...and a great, great aunt who also had breast cancer and died of it at the age of 44. (but more on family history in another post.)

so...jan. 2008...i meet with dr. l. i was expecting to be going for a biopsy...but was totally let down when he said he wanted to wait till may 2008 to do anything. he wrote me a new script saying that i can, and will have a mammogram in may and that he will also do a follow up u/s for comparative purposes. he also wrote me a script for primrose oil!?!?!

i left feeling completely devastated and worried that i had cancer and that we were NOT going to do anything about it. i felt like i was a failure by not being able to advocate for myself but then spend the next 4 months being pro-active. i got a doctors referral to a genetics counselor and start gathering my family history and retrieving my mothers medical records.

i tried my best to put the "cancer" stuff out of my head and go about regular life. then may 2008 finally came...and it being my first mammogram-i was pretty nervous. i guess i was so nervous that i some how got my appt. date wrong and showed up a week too early. doi! fortunately they took me that day anyways.

and yes...the mammogram experience is brutal...and i think that technician was rougher than most (i have learned since from having other technicians that don't seem to cause me as much pain during mammography). also, i am very small breasted...like so small, i have never come across anyone else who has the same or smaller breasts than me...so i am sure this contributed to the pain factor...

after the mammogram the technician said to me "don't be alarmed if we call you back for more slides in the next few days." and there was the first red flag. then she walked me down to have the u/s. and then the next red flag was the technician spending about 25 minutes u/s-ing my breasts (as opposed to 10 minutes for my first one in nov. 07).

i don't know why...but i sort of felt better for a bit after i left the imaging center. like i had been taken care of and taken seriously. i was actually totally surprised when I DID GET THAT PHONE CALL to come back in for more mammogram images. they also told me on the phone that i should be prepared for the possibility that i could be having a biopsy the same day and to bring a friend.

i was a mess. and it is safe to say from that point on: may 2008-present i have been a mess with this whole breast cancer scariness.

so as i predicted on that day of the extra mammogram slides...there was concern. and they battled with my right breast (not even the breast i had found the initial lump in) to get the proper images. and those images led to another u/s...and that u/s led to a u/s guided core needle biopsy.

and let me just tell you about biopsies just in case you are wondering...they are actually not a big deal. it was a walk in the park compared to being pancaked in the mammogram machine...but either way i was terrified and i did end up with a golf ball sized hematoma...oh and it was 2 days after my birthday on the day i was to have birthday celebrations...The Cure concert...i was still able to go...and guiltily i will admit the hemotoma was probably my own fault cuz i drank that night and thinned my blood causing excess bleeding...but hey...it was my birthday and my first real concert.

so back to the biopsy. afterwards, i had visions of having to go for chemo. losing my hair. losing my breasts. of dying. of my family being devastated. it was awful. and i was a mess at work...and i missed a lot of days...and i lost my job cuz of all of it cuz i was to messed up to even communicate what was going on and how my job could help me. and i had to wait 11 damn days for that pathology report!

but...no cancer! however, numerous things were found that were cause for alarm and elevated my risk factors. first off, i was and am very dense. my breast density is in the highest range of between 75-100% which is translated to a birads 4. secondly, i am fibro-cystic (so bad that i have to sometimes hold my breasts when going down stairs because they are so painful) and so lump infested that i had to take a picture of my breasts and map out the lumps so i could tell what might be new. my breasts are littered with cysts through out...some really tiny, 5 that are about pea sized, and one that is almost the size of a golf ball...and in addition to this golf ball, i can feel additional cysts on top of this ginormous cyst. i am worried what could be hiding behind it too.

and then there are the more serious findings: calcifications and cystic structures that were biopsied were/contained proliferative breast disease: apocrine metaplasia (scroll to comment section) and sclerosing adenoma...and i also have what appears to be a fibroadenoma or blood filled cyst. so to say my breasts are over active is an understatement.

now here is the best part. after learning all this at my follow up appointment with dr. l...he goes through some of the paperwork...and he is like "OH! did you get a call back yet for another biopsy? and i am all "Noooooooo....whhhhhhy?" (fear, fear, fear.) he reads what the sheet says: patient needs to come back for a stereotactic breast biopsy because the site in question was not sampled satisfactorily. (seriously...by this time i think i have completely lost it...well internally/mentally i have...but somehow i manage to keep it together.)

mind you i got a prescription of lorazepam/ativan to get me through and i called my dad to come from 6 hours away so he could take me. and he did...which was really nice...(my dad is being more supportive than i imagined he would be because i know this is very scary for him...and i think his inclination is to try and distance himself from it because it is painful to see his daughter suffer.)

fortunately the second biopsy in june 2008 only found the same findings as the first...but i had to wait another 11 excruciating days...and i had to track the results down myself because dr. l had gone on holidays. i got them straight from radiology.

i would say at that point i started considering prophylactic breast mastectomy. coupled with my risk factors (i will leave the genetics counseling for another post)and family history i feel like i am just a ticking time bomb. and as you can see it has been a year and a half journey since consideration in june 2008 to get me to the point i am today.

and along that journey i have still had scares. u/s in december 2008 for new lumps i found in right breast that turned out to be new cystic structures. mammogram, u/s, and also breast mri in may 2009. in june 2009 i got all of my imaging put on disk for my own records and am able to look at my breasts internally on my home computer...and i can see all the stuff that is going on in them right before my very eyes on my computer screen.

even the other day-monday night...just lying in bed...i felt my left breast and was shocked to feel how prominent some of the cysts are...they feel as if they will poke right through my skin...and this then translated into a nightmare of having breast cancer.

and so, these are the experiences leading up to my decision. there is no way i can express the depth of fear and anxiety i experience through words but i hope this gives you a little bit of understanding. and i also want to share a couple of videos of e.d. hill who has shared a similar journey as mine that has appeared on the view and is documenting her journey as she goes through nipple sparing pbm with expansion, and then to implants:

(if videos don't work you can go directly to the site: http://theview.abc.go.com/category/tags/ed-hills-story)

6. details

2010-02-16T17:12:00.024-05:00

so how exactly do you reconstruct breasts after they have been removed? well...fortunately in this day in age this is "not your mother's or grandmother's mastectomy". things have changed and improved over the years.

i am going with a procedure called "nipple sparing pbm with tissue expanders to implants." this type of reconstruction involves 2 surgeries.

first off, i will have the mastectomy, where my actual breast tissue is removed by my oncologist breast surgeon. in addition to the breast surgeon i have a plastic surgeon who will begin reconstruction at the time of my mastectomy. when the tissue has been removed from each breast, the plastic surgeon (ps from here on out) will then insert tissue expanders beneath each of my pectoral muscles.

tissue expanders (adjustable implants) are sort of like an empty balloon. they are placed behind the chest muscle (pectoralis muscle) to stretch the muscle and skin until the new breast mounds each reach a size that is slightly larger than the desired final size. the partially inflated expanders are inflated in stages weeks following surgery after my surgical incision sites have healed, however i may have an initial fill at the time of surgery. small amounts of saline solution (salt water) are used to inflate the expanders via an incorporated valve built in to each expander.

a second surgery is required (hopefully and most likely out patient surgery) to remove the expanders and replace them with permanent breast implants. i have chosen mentor high profile round cohesive silicone implants.

what's that you say? silicone? silicone has come a long way too. and the type of silicone implants i am going for does not leak. in fact, you can sort of compare them to gummy bears!

if for some reason the implant ruptures or breaks down the silicone will not leak because it sort of resembles the texture of a gummy bear!

5. this just in

2010-02-16T14:36:00.000-05:00

just got my surgery date. march 15th, 2010!!!

4. doing everything i can

2010-02-14T14:29:00.007-05:00

pbm seems like a bold decision to some. several times i have had people tell me to just change my lifestyle and adapt a healthier eating pattern to prevent getting cancer.

um...yeah...i did that already. i think often the choice of choosing a pbm is coupled with an awareness of other triggers that could cause breast cancer and this awareness not only causes many to choose pbm, but to also change our lifestyles.

so in addition to pbm...in the last year and a half i have become a vegetarian...trying to stay closer to the side of veganism and high raw diet in addition to choosing organic and fair trade products as much as possible. i try to avoid foods that may be a potential trigger as well like soy. i also try to keep an eye on, and avoid environmental triggers. this includes not using plastics as much as possible, avoiding bpa's. avoiding beauthy care and cosmetic products that contain harmful ingredients that can trigger reactions in the body to manufacture higher estrogens...which can lead to breast cancer.

i do admit that i need to get myself more physically active...and this is my pbm resolution. i think i would like to get more active by cycling, running, swimming, and walking. hiking will definitely be on the list as this is something i like to do anyways when the weather is warmer. i might even join a gym.

i thought of the contents of this post while making a smoothie i just concocted last night that i am totally nuts about! i have a few others i enjoy as well. i will share two of my recipes below. these are my own creations, so please use them, but don't steal them with out giving credit. you can share by linking back to my post.

Chocolate Berry-Delicious Smoothie (1 serving)

1 - C Chocolate Almond Milk (I love Blue Diamond Growers Almond Breeze in Chocolate)

1 - C Mixed Frozen Berries (I use a combination of blackberries, blueberries and raspberries)

3 Tbsp - Protein Powder (I swear by Nutiva Hemp Shake Protein Drink Mix in Chocolate)

1/4 C Oasis Health Break Antioxia Pomegranate Juice

Blend in a blender till smooth, serve, and enjoy!
(Since this one is so new I will be experimenting with it. I will try adding a banana...maybe some peanut butter. I will try to see if I can camouflage some spinach or kale into it as well.)

Zingy Fruit Action Packed Smoothie (1-2 servings)

3/4 C Orange Juice

1/4 C Sweetener (I use Oasis Health Break Antioxia Pomegranate Juice but you can use honey or gasp...a tsp. of sugar or other sweetener.)

1/2 C of Yogurt (I won't use anything but Vanilla flavoured Danone Activia)

1 C Mixed Frozen Berries (Strawberries, Raspberries, Blackberries, and Blueberries)

1 Banana

1 Hand full of Spinach (You won't even notice it! I promise!)

1 Tbsp Ground Flaxseed (I use Omega Nutrition Cold Milled Flax Seed)

1 Tbsp Vegetable Powder (I use Progressive VegeGreens)

Layer wet ingredients first, then fruit and spinach, and powders on top. Blend in a blender till smooth, serve, and enjoy!

Do you have any great smootie recipes to share? Please feel to comment!

3. clarity

2010-02-12T22:20:00.003-05:00

yesterday was such a low, low day. and yes, they do come once in a while. i know they can be scary and intimidating and worrisome for other people but for me it is at these times that i get clarity while working through the emotions. today was a brighter day.

this is going to deviate a little bit from the PBM journey as some of you expressed concern over my troubling experience with the assault. well, today i met with a social worker who is helping me navigate the whole court system. she really helped me to understand more fully what happened and how i was taken advantage of. i've been having times where i was blaming myself but deep down inside i knew this did not sit right.

just having someone take the time to validate me and validate what i am experiencing was so helpful and renewing to my broken spirit. she is going to advocate for me and is going to get me connected either with a legal aid or a pro-bono lawyer so that i can move forward and charge the guy in addition to the police charges. i may even be able to get some financial restitution back due to the emotional, physical, and financial desolation i have found myself in.

additionally, she is able to make a referral from herself to a psychologist/psychiatrist to get me the emotional support the i need in the here and now. so i just wanted to communicate this to you so you know that i am not completely left hanging in the balance.

also, i do not think for me that it is an option to delay surgery because of this. my fear of breast cancer trumps all of this...it has already been an agonizing 2 year journey and i would be damned if i got breast cancer cuz i delayed this surgery due to what this man did to me. it seems to me that, that would give him way more power than he should have ever had in the first place.

k, nuff for now. i am working on an english paper and the words are flowing so back to it i go.

2. mask

2010-02-11T14:38:00.005-05:00

this post has been edited. some content has been removed. the original post served it's purpose to help me work through some very heavy emotions i was experiencing. i am at a stage now where i may share this blog with friends and family and would like to maintain some privacy in certain areas that i was addressing.

i've been really angry lately. well actually, for a long time. i am frustrated and tired of the fight. i have struggled...and i mean I HAVE STRUGGLED since well before the day my mother died. mom died of breast cancer when i was 15 and she was 38.

i am floored and often overcome with sadness that my family never was able to adequately stepped in and take over to provide emotional and financial support since that day. i can sort of understand my father not being there emotionally after my mom died. i moved in with him a few months after she passed but it was a strained relationship long before the death of my mother. my parents split up and divorced when i was 12 and visits with my dad were few and far between. i guess i can't really blame my family either because they were all reeling at the loss of my mother too.

so, by the age of 16 i was living on my own. i was supported by the government via social services and orphans benefit...but this did nothing to ease the agony i went through of trying to figure out how to cope with the loss of my mother.

omitted

omitted

omitted

my mother died. i got forced into the wilderness. i've been there ever since. there's no home to go back to.

omitted.

i am over come with despair. and then i wonder...what is the point in even trying to save my life when there is not much of a life to save anyways. i am still going to be alone. maybe it would be better to get cancer and die quickly.

i don't want to come off as all "me, me, me" either. i know i am a good person. i do the opposite of what people have done. perhaps because i know how painful it is. i go out of my way to help people. even simple things like opening a door and smiling at a stranger on the street. spending hours with a mother who lost her child just letting her talk things out...or not talk things out but just be there with her so she does not have to be alone in her house while her husband is at work. i plan on going into nursing where i will dedicate my life to helping others.

often this is taken advantage of. my last employer/landlord did this to me. took advantage of me in horrible ways. offered me a better life...a family. i sucked it up--missing the signs of how he would cut me down verbally and let me believe i was worthless. he would accuse me of being a whore and would argue as i defended myself adamantly and in my insane way of trying to prove my point that i was good and not a whore he would sit and watch as i cut myself. i let him take advantage of me because i was afraid to lose my home and job. i also needed him there...or so i thought, to help me navigate through my breast cancer scares and ultimately to be there during my recovery from my pbm. it is sick to say but i slept with him out of my fear. in the end it culminated with him bashing in my face while i was driving the company vehicle. he gave me a 3 day concussion and fucked up my shoulder. 5 months later i am still in pain...and that does not even touch the emotional pain and anguish i endure. i lost my home and my job all in one day.

omitted

god, i am in a bad place today. i have such an urge to cut...but i won't. i just wonder if there are really any people on the FORCE boards that struggle the same as i do. the emptiness. the pain. the hurt. the anger. the bitterness. everything...even the simplest things are an uphill battle. i just want to be happy. i have never been happy. and yet, there is this hope that keeps me going.

i titled this post "mask" cuz all this stuff is inside me. from the outside, you would not gather this. i try to come off as positive and cheerful in life. i am there for others. i try to smile often. if you saw my picture, you would probably say "what a beautiful girl with a beautiful smile." well, i just wanted to let you know there is a storm that rages on inside.

1. intro

2010-02-10T14:30:00.002-05:00

i'm 33 years old.

i will be having a nipple sparring prophylactic double mastectomy to manage my risk of breast cancer.

i do not have breast cancer.

i do not intend to get breast cancer.

as of yet, i do not know my brca status.

some people say this is bold and drastic.

i think sometimes i feel this way too. it is such a heavy topic. it's not something i can just talk about openly with other people. i almost feel ashamed. i feel like i have to put people at ease and down play it so i don't freak them out. i try to sell them on the high points of possibly getting a better pair of breasts than the ones i already have. i try to sell myself on this too.

i feel like i mostly walk around and struggle through my life with this big dark secret.

sometimes, i just want to shout at the top of my lungs what i am going through.

i am very anxious. and stressed out. i feel so alone. overwhelmed. i feel like i am running a marathon and i am getting near the end. my feet are dragging. i am out of breath. i just want to get this surgery over and done with so that the weight will be lifted and i can go back to enjoying life...did i ever enjoy life?